AppleCoaching.com - be confident from your core

Short break

2010-06-03T13:12:00.002+01:00

I'm taking a break from my blog but you can read archived (usually updated each week) newsletters - if you're not already a subscriber - at http://applecoaching.com/id2.html

You can also read some of the features and tips I'm contributing to a wide range of titles at www.evemenezescunningham.co.uk

Workplace stress and how to counter it

2010-05-18T11:42:00.003+01:00

I just read an interesting piece on workplace stress in the Guardian's G2 supplement - How to survive workplace stress in the recession http://gu.com/p/2h427/tw

I'm my own boss but still have to remind myself that I need balance.

Yesterday was a very long day and I happily worked until midnight. But I made sure I could sleep in a little this morning and yesterday's work was the kind of thing that makes a differece long term.

I've had jobs in the past where no matter how hard I worked, I didn't seem to make a dent in my workload. That did not involve my being happy about overtime.

It's easy to get caught up in the fear of a situation (what if I don't do what's being asked for me? What if I get made redundant next? What if I burn out and am unable to work at all?) but this kind of thinking is simply going to add to your stress.

Unless you use it positively.

Give yourself some time to actually think things through. What IF you simply can't manage? Let your mind wander? What's the worst case scenario you can think of?

Often, this can actually bring some relief. Once you've realised that you can cope even if your worst case situation occurs, you'll be better able to manage.

If you're doing the work of former colleagues who haven't been replaced, ask your boss if there's a timeframe in place for the hiring freeze to thaw.

You don't have to let your stress build up until it explodes. Instead, even if you feel no one else understands, empathise with yourself.

Trying to deny that you're under pressure when you're working long hours and trying to do too much is just going to add to your stress.

Acknowledging that you're under tremendous pressure and think about practical ways you can relieve it.

This might include making time for exercise, fitting in some meditation or other relaxation, eating nourishing food and getting enough sleep etc.

Even if, at the moment, it feels like complete fantasy, make a list. What would help you feel better right now? Some things may be impossible to put into action at the moment but you'll find at least a few ideas you can start integrating into your life today.

Is violence ever a good way to teach children respect?

2010-04-30T20:58:00.006+01:00

I don't understand why so many people confuse discipline with violence.

I believe that children should be raised to respect others as well as themselves but don't understand how being hit, smacked, caned or otherwise harmed teaches them anything other than:

a) fear and

b) that it's OK for more powerful people to harm smaller, more helpless people in order to get what they want.

Even the callers who said "It didn't do me any harm" remembered being hit far more vividly than the reason for this punishment.

Surely it's far more effective to guide them by doing things like:

. taking your rubbish to a bin rather than dropping litter

. showing them that you respect them and other people you deal with

. listening to them

. explaining the difference between being disappointed in their behaviour and giving up on them (that you'll never give up on them or stop loving them).

To hear more of my (unpopular! For suggesting NOT beating children!) views on today's Sadie Nine show, please click here to listen - http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/radio/bbc_radio_essex

We also talked about the election and different parties' proposed policies on education.

Are you jealous? Is someone jealous of you?

2010-04-25T12:50:00.002+01:00

Read more of my tips in Cathy Winston's AOL article on dealing with jealousy -
http://w18ceww.lemondrop.co.uk/2010/04/16/the-a-z-of-love-j-is-for-jealousy/

Keeping kids safe and the impact of punk (BBC Essex)

2010-04-09T21:20:00.002+01:00

If you'd like to listen to our discussions of topics including letting your kids play outside and punk, you can click here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0076334/Sadie_Nine_09_04_2010/

How do you feel about your Ex?

2010-04-01T22:48:00.003+01:00

Read more tips and advice for dealing with them (whether you want to create a new friendship or make a clean break) here - http://www.lemondrop.co.uk/2010/03/20/the-a-z-of-love-e-is-for-exes/

Grow more of what you love

2010-03-22T18:30:00.004Z

Yesterday was (this hemisphere's) Spring Equinox.

As you sit in the sun (or at least begin to imagine it as a more distinct possibility than even a few days ago), instead of just thinking that your lawn, if you have one, needs mowing, think about the other things you're growing.

How can you grow more of what you love?

Who are the friends and family who make you feel like the best version of yourself?

What books / magazines / films / TV shows and so on bring out the best in you?

Which hobbies do you lose yourself in most easily, emerging feeling creative, energised and refreshed?

Weeds can be as beautiful as cultivated flowers (more so, often) but if you feel that your life is over-run, think of ways to cut back.

Focus your energy on the new projects you want to get off the ground this spring. Think about the sunshine and water equivalents (support wise) you can provide to help yourself grow...

How's your communication with the people you love?

2010-03-19T12:25:00.001Z

You can read Cathy's AOL blog (including some of my tips) at http://www.lemondrop.co.uk/2010/03/17/the-a-z-of-love-c-is-for-communication

Why (if you do) do you wear make-up?

2010-03-15T12:34:00.004Z

Is it a bit of fun or an effort to hide behind it?

You can read Cathy Winston's aol blog (with some tips from me) here - http://uk.stylelist.com/2010/03/15/are-you-caught-in-the-cosmetics-trap/

"Today, if you become frightened, instead become inspired"

2010-03-10T12:22:00.004Z

I always love Grey's Anatomy. I can't think of any other programme I've ever seen where such drive and ambition, even from women, is shown as a good thing.

Last week's episode (Give Peace a Chance) was, I think, my all time favourite. We got away from all the bickering of the past few weeks and everyone was focused on an impossible (banned by the Chief) surgery on an inoperable tumour.

Don't want to give anything away for people who plan to see it but I loved the sentiment of turning fear into inspiration.

The patient coaxed the doctor (McDreamy / Derek Shepherd - aka "the world's foremost neurosurgeon") into doing the surgery in a very calm but certain way (hard to pull off when you've been told you're going to die or end up paralysed): "Today, if you become frightened, instead become inspired".

When you think of your own life, is there a situation that leaps out at you as one which has or could inspire you but instead often frightens you into avoiding the risk?

What support do you need as you take this leap?

McDreamy needed support to get through the extremely long surgery and although he'd "gone rogue", had dozens of interns keen to help. The difference between the talks with the surgeons who were inspired and amazed and the risk-averse few was obvious.

Thinking back to your own life, have you spoken about the situation to people close to you?

How can you keep it from those who pour cold water on your dreams and instead get the support from people who truly want to see you succeed (and maybe even be a part of it themselves)?

What can you do differently, from today, to turn your fears into inspiration?

What have you been putting off?

2010-03-01T12:27:00.004Z

Martha Beck has an amusing saying: "Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can cancel altogether."

If you're feeling overwhelmed, take another look at your schedule / To Do list.

What can be cancelled?

What can someone else do?

What will you feel better for doing yourself?

If you don't already have a scheduling or To Do list system that works for you, free your brain now and write everything you can think of down.

I'd find it hard to function without my page to a day diary (I'm one of those people who loves ticking things off when completed). Some people like electronic planners, others, wall planners and some keep long lists which they add to and manage even though it may look chaotic from the outside. Some people write things down on their hands.

PostIt notes can help you get organised. If you know certain things have to be done but you're not yet sure when they need to be done or who by, PostIts can help you be more flexible with them without worrying about losing track.

You know yourself best. Experiment and hone your system so it supports you.

Using NLP in your language (in a way that doesn't make you sound like a loon)

2010-02-26T15:57:00.000Z

Before I trained in NLP, I was a bit wary. I'd heard of it being used in sales to get people to buy things and so on and just didn't like that idea.

Fortunately, it's not about mind control or anything sinister like that.

The idea of trance put me off until I realised that I'd been using trance language on myself - with negative effects - for much of my life unconsciously.

Have you ever told yourself "I can't, I'm fat / stupid / useless" or anything else that does the opposite of motivating you to take action that could change your situation?

That's a form of trance language - you say it so often and in such a resigned, believing way, before you know it, you're acting that way.

Wouldn't it be better to tell yourself, "Of course I can do it!" (and, naturally, follow up this thought with an action plan - thinking alone won't get it done)?

Get into the habit of noticing your instant reactions to things. Are you using trance language on yourself? When you are, is it helping you or making things worse?

Another tip is known as the double bind. A sales person might use it like this: "Would you like to buy the green or the red?" or "Would you like to book for Monday or Wednesday?"

Someone who has no intention of buying either isn't going to suddenly decide to go with the red or Wednesday but if someone is already ready to buy, this phrasing can help.

A parent might ask their child, "Would you like to go to bed now or in half an hour?"

And the child who has agreed to go to bed in half an hour rather than now will be far less resistant when the time has come.

Other common uses are to avoid the use of negatives like "Don't _____" The idea behind this is that our brains cannot process the instruction without first imagining doing the very thing they're being told not to. No smoking makes you think of smoking.

You may want to experiment with saying what you want the person to do instead. For example, "Could you speak more quietly please?" rather than "Don't shout." "I'd really appreciate your being on time" as opposed to "Don't be late" and so on.

"Try" is another word to avoid whenever possible (unless you're playing rugby). If you say, "I'll try", if you think about it, there's probably already a little part of you making an excuse.

If you commit to doing it, you put more energy behind your intention and make getting up at stupid o'clock for an early morning swim / run (or whatever you're psyching yourself up for) far more likely.

It'll take practice and vigilance (I just deleted a couple of instances where I'd suggested try right here and I've been practicing for years!) but it's worth it.

Do you ask for what you're worth at work?

2010-02-22T13:40:00.000Z

How often have you asked for a pay raise at work?

If you work for yourself, do you charge what you're worth or too little?

When you have psyched yourself up to quote what you're worth or present reasons for being worth more to your company than you've been getting, how comfortable do you feel about it?

Do you think:

a) Sure, I wish they'd offered more without my having to ask but they know I'm worth every penny and I'm sure I'll get it. If not here, then somewhere else...

b) I feel so greedy. So many people have lost their jobs / I'm lucky to be working in a field I enjoy...

c) I hope this doesn't prompt them to fire me / never hire me again. And that they don't tell all their aquaintances how outrageous I was to ask...

Which person's attitude do you think would be most likely to get the new rates she or he hopes for?

How can you boost your own confidence more so you believe in your value to your employer / clients and customers?

Before going into that meeting / making that call / writing that email, can you boost your morale by reading testimonials, positive reviews, clients' comments and other things that remind you that you're great at your job?

If you worry "But I'm not great at my job", what specific areas could you use a revision course or extra training in? What would help you be better at your work?

What do your colleagues / bosses / clients / others you work with value most about you? If nothing springs to mind, can you ask a few trusted souls?

It may be that, on this occassion, you don't get more money. But by having raised it, your manager / client will know that you'd like more and when they next have budget meetings, they'll be more likely to allocate more for you in the future.

Even if you don't get more money, you'll be getting valuable feedback. Ask for specifics. What do you need to do to prove your worth? What kind of timeframe are they thinking of?

You may choose to look elsewhere but whatever you do, doing something is more empowering that just sitting at your desk wishing they'd recognise your worth without you having to point it out.

The confidence to be yourself

2010-02-19T16:33:00.000Z

On Sadie's show today (to listen, please visit http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/radio/bbc_radio_essex/ and choose Friday, 19th February, noon to 2pm), things got quite controversial.

We had the most calls about Elton John's statement about Jesus being kind, intelligent and gay. Was this offensive to Christians?

My views seemed to be in the minority. When I was initially given the story to read, the only offence I felt was that David Furnish was referred to as Elton's "husband" (the quotation marks make it sound like it's not quite as real a relationship as the reporter's is or would be).

But as I thought about it, I became increasingly pleased on behalf of all the kids growing up (and adults who still fear this) being told that they would literally Go To Hell because of who they love.

On Ellen, Ellen Degeneres said something like "No one ever gives you a card or cake saying 'Good for you, you're gay!'" when her charater was struggling to come out. Apparently, after that episode wrapped, the crew and cast wheeled out an enormous cake saying "Good for you, you're gay!"

How can any kind of love be wrong?

We all need people to look up to. I'm no longer Catholic partly because there were so few women in the story (and those that were mentioned were either too saintly for me to even dream about emulating or, like my namesake, responsible for the downfall of humanity).

I'm Indian / Irish and remember being confused as a child by Jesus and Mary's blue eyes and blond hair. For the part of the world they were said to come from, surely they'd have been much darker?

Yet I understand the need for people in this part of the world to have rewritten history, as it were, and create images that reflected them so they could feel closer somehow.

My parents did their best to counter this kind of unconscious stereotyping (pale good, dark bad etc.) but seeing more mixed race role models around as I've got older (though I still sometimes feel like an oddity with the Indian Irish combo) has had a healthy impact on my own self esteem.

The idea that kids growing up confused about their sexuality (or sure about it but feeling that it isn't OK) and then being told that they're wrong hurts my heart.

I wish we could treat everyone with respect and try to see where people we don't understand are coming from. Having said that, I'm a little anxious in case this post and what I said on air offends any Christians. Not to mention potential offence caused to people of all the religions we didn't mention.

Whether you're a woman trying to break through a barrier at work, a stay at home father struggling to find acceptance at the school gate when or anyone not fully in the mainstream, I hope you'll find the confidence to keep on being you.

"To be natural is such a very difficult pose to keep up" - Oscar Wilde

2010-02-17T11:05:00.000Z

I've heard of celebrated actors saying that they were painfully shy children and losing themselves in a role was a liberating experience.

But for many people, getting through life as themselves can feel like quite a performance.

How do you express who you are in the way you:

. dress?

. live?

. work?

. love?

. dance?

. sing?

. decorate your surroundings?

. cook?

. create?

What more could you do to be more naturally you?

"You don't have to teach a seed how to become a flower" Diana Whitmore

2010-02-15T11:36:00.000Z

I love this quote. Whitmore explains that "Just as the seed of a flower contains the blueprint for the flower which the seed will become, and inherently knows how to become that flower, there is a similar knowing to be found in the depth of our humanity."

It reminds me a bit of a Kabbalah saying I heard ages ago. That every blade of grass has it's own angel whispering encouragement "grow, grow".

Are you allowing yourself to become the person you're meant to be or are you trying to fit into a life / job / relationship that goes against the grain?

Whitmore talks about the futility of an acorn trying to become a rose bush. Oak trees rock. Why would any acorn want to become anything else? And yet how often do we humans try to force ourselves into a different way of being?

When you think about your life, do any areas stick out as times you're trying to be anything other than yourself?

When do you feel most like yourself?

Who supports you in being you?

Who makes you feel like you're not good enough just the way you are?

Pay attention to the times when you try to change others, too.

Make simple changes with your shedule, friends and other areas so you spend more time just being you and being appreciated and accepted for that.

What do you do when you feel defeated?

2010-02-11T12:39:00.001Z

"Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent." - Marilyn Vos Savant

I've been reading about Sophia Loren's early attempts to get a big break and she apparently failed several screen tests.

Whether you're feeling defeated in a quest for fame and fortune or if the simplest things in life feel overwhelming, take things one step at a time.

When you feel like giving up, take some deep breaths to centre yourself and ask yourself, if you could have anything, right now, to help you feel better, what would it be?

Will reaching out to someone help? Who can you phone / see / contact who can then help you pick yourself up again?

Maybe you need some time to wallow and regroup? Decide to give yourself some set time to really feel the defeat - an hour? 20 minutes? What memories of other defeats are coming up for you? Use a diary or just sit with it but let it all out.

Will distracting yourself help? Doing some exercise or taking yourself out of your head and into the cinema?

You always know what's best for you if you just allow yourself to get in touch with that part of yourself.

Don't dismiss things that feel like defeats but make sure you know that you don't have to let the situation become permanent.

CV being ignored? The CSI:NY response...

2010-02-08T12:37:00.000Z

As a freelance journalist, I'm used to repitching feature ideas that have been rejected or ignored.

Sometimes, one I'd practically given up on finds a new lease of life with a title I've wanted to get into for ages. And sometimes, they continue to be rejected and ignored.

Either way, I've learned that sending out more ideas is the best way of handling it. Waiting for a response without taking other actions would be pretty depressing.

Still, I was amazed by the audacity of Sarah Carter's (Shark) character, Haylen, on CSI: NY. Having sent three CVs to the lab and hearing nothing back, she didn't think:

. they don't want me
. they have enough staff
. they've given the job to someone more qualified
. there's something I don't know about but I must not be right for the role

Fictional Haylen thought Obviously, they really want me but they just can't afford me. I know, I'll apply for government funding. That way, they can hire me and I'll get paid from someone else's budget...

I thought Mac might still decide against signing off on Haylen joining the team. (It's early days and while I've so far resisted reading future episode guides, it wouldn't surprise me if she turns out to be a stalker or some other kind of problem).

But she's joined.

In an unscientific poll, I've asked a few people how they'd handle their CV being ignored after sending it, three times, to their dream employer.

No one has suggested going over potential boss's head to apply for funding but maybe Haylen can inspire you to be a little more proactive (though maybe not quite so extreme)...

Do you shop to cheer yourself up?

2010-02-05T11:16:00.000Z

According to a study from the University of Hertfordshire, 79% of women see shopping as a way to cheer themselves up. 40% said depression makes them spend.

But, as anyone who's ever had any debt knows, this cheer up strategy can cost more than just money - from sleepless nights worrying about paying off credit cards to relationship angst if you're keeping your spending from your partner.

Women aren't the only ones who spend money when they know they'd be better off saving.

Are you an emotional overspender?

Before heading for the checkout (in a shop or online), ask yourself what you're really trying to buy. Is it the item you're buying or the lifestyle you'd like to have?

If you're trying to buy into more than the actual thing you're buying, think of other things you can do instead.

Think about the way you feel when you decide to go shopping.

If you're physically going, what prompted you to walk into the shop? Were you walking past and saw something calling to you from inside? Did you set out deliberately to shop?

If shopping online, what were you doing before you ended up on your favourite online shopping site?

By getting to know your own triggers, you'll be better able to identify the times when you're trying to use shopping as a fix and when you're simply buying something that you need, want and can afford.

To help see your spending habits more clearly, start a log.

To begin with, note every single expense within minutes of making it (if you wait until the evening, you'll probably have forgotten a lot).

Then, once a week, take some time to review it.

No one's suggesting you stop spending altogether, but by shopping a bit more mindfully, you'll wind up much happier with the things you purchase.

How were you feeling when you bought ___?

Is there anything you now regret buying?

What could you have done instead to have a longer term (and cheaper) effect on your mood?

Penelope Cruz's Oscar

2010-02-02T13:52:00.000Z

I read a lovely interview with Penelope Cruz in Stylist magazine.

Unlike all the stars who say they keep their Oscars hidden away / they never look at them / they've even forgotten where it is, Penelope says she moves it from room to room, trying to make a decision.

"I even took it to the beach one day! It's like being five when you finally get a toy you've been asking for!"

I love the idea of her enjoying her accomplishment. Allowing the success of the award to settle in every cell.

What do you do when you get something you've been working towards?

Do you immediately move on to the next thing or allow yourself some time to celebrate?

Rewards are very important as they offer you the chance to sit with the accomplishment of whatever you've just achieved.

Whether your reward is a cup of tea after decluttering a junk drawer, a night out after finishing a big assignment or even a holiday after a big project, remember that it's important to keep your word to yourself.

Can you imagine if you had a child and you promised that when they ____ you'd give them ____ and then you didn't keep your word?

When you've been very busy and working hard, taking a break can feel quite challenging but you owe it to yourself to let yourself breathe a bit before taking on your next challenge.

Whose hands is your life in?

2010-01-29T19:06:00.000Z

"Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one is to blame" - Erica Jong

Is there an area of your life which would be perfect if only _________ would do _____?

Forget it. You know by now that the only person you can change is yourself.

How can you take more responsibility for this area of your life?

How can you remind yourself of all the resources you have instead of allowing yourself to feel helpless and out of control?

Acknowledging the power you have, day to day, to affect your own destiny will make you far happier than fixating on the things that you can't control.

Stephen Covey talks about the Circle of Concern (all the things you may worry about) and Circle of Influence (the things you can actually change or affect in some way).

Ideally, you can expand your Circle of Influence by taking more action around the things that concern you.

This may involved talking to people who can help with a situation too big to handle yourself. It might even writing to a politician or getting involved with a campaigning group to allow your voice to be heard.

Decide to take charge. Anytime you want to blame someone, get into the habit of thinking about the kind of action you'd like to take if you were in their situation as well as actions you can take in your own situation.

Have you heard of magical thinking?

2010-01-27T16:13:00.000Z

When I first heard this expression, I thought it was a good thing, like the Law of Attraction squared.

But really, it's when we know what we want or need from a situation but instead of communicating openly with those in our lives, we wish they'd just understand.

Without us having to ask.

Remember the famous scene from The Break Up when Jennifer Aniston tells Vince Vaughn she wants him to want to do the washing up?

No one wants to wash up. (Although, as Monica, her old roomate in Friends, Courteney Cox Arquette seemed to.) Aniston's character probably didn't enjoy it (if she had, it wouldn't have been an issue).

How might she have communicated things in a way that would have been more likely to get him to respond in the way she hoped?

What are you refusing to ask for right now?

Are you sulking or holding back in some way because you feel let down that you're not getting it?

Whether you want your boss to offer you a pay rise (without actually putting your case forward or even letting her know you'd appreciate one) or your partner to do something, start thinking of ways you can be more direct.

Why I love telephone / Skype coaching

2010-01-25T14:32:00.001Z

I've always preferred telephone coaching to face to face coaching.

Maybe it's just me but I feel I can somehow listen more deeply on the phone as well as being able to connect with clients who live further afield.

And it seems to allow my clients to dig that bit deeper. With face to face coaching, we're very aware of the surroundings and telephone coaching helps cut out some of those distractions.

They are also in control of their environment (and can make sure they make the call away from any noise or distractions).

Telephone coaching also allows much more flexibility and I'm able to offer more evening appointments than I ever could with face to face coaching.

With the wonders of the web (www.Skype.com), clients can call free using Skype and if they also have a webcam, can benefit from virtual face to face coaching without the hassle of travelling.

To find out more about my telephone / Skype coaching services, please visit www.applecoaching.com

Please tell me what you think of my new design website

2010-01-24T11:07:00.001Z

You can visit it at www.applecoaching.com and tell me what you think by emailing or commenting on this blog (have now enabled comments).

Thanks in advance for all your comments and suggestions.

What makes you happy?

2010-01-20T15:01:00.000Z

"Whenever you are sincerely pleased, you are nourished." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I saw a documentary about Prime Suspect a while ago and Lynda La Plant said she had to tell Helen Mirren to stop smiling.

Her point was that women smile much more than men as a way of putting others at their ease.

Strangers on the street rarely tell men, "Cheer up luv, it might never happen."

When you stop smiling as a cover up, you'll start noticing what naturally lifts your spirits.

What makes you grin from the inside out?

Let yourself start noticing the things that genuinely please you.

Walking past a sleeping baby being pushed gently by his or her caregiver? Watching funny clips on YouTube?

Do more that will bring you into contact with the people and things that make you smile.

And if someone tries to get you to smile when you Just Don't Feel Like It, consider growling at them. Even the thought of their reaction might make you genuinely feel better.

Do you censor yourself too much?

2010-01-18T13:44:00.000Z

I was amused to read about Adam Slavick-Lennard (aka Sleep Talkin Man - www.sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com) last week.

His wife, Karen, sick of being woken up by his endless sleep chatter decided to start blogging. It's become so popular that they're thinking about book deals and talking to several papers.

At first, I felt mortified for Adam, having his sleep talk publicised. But then it made me laugh.

From "Vampire penguins? Zombie guinea pigs? We're done for.... done for" to "Don't... Don't put the noodles and the dumplings together in the boat. They'll fight! The noodles are bullies. Poor dumplings."

Think about the times when you hold back, bite your tongue and otherwise stop yourself from communicating.

It may be that far from judging what you have to say, people respond to your honesty and openess.

No one's suggesting you switch your own inner censor off completely but ask yourself if there are times when you - and others - would benefit from you speaking out more...

What are you waiting for? Give what you want to receive

2010-01-14T13:15:00.001Z

A piece I wrote about thank you notes ages ago came out today (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1243065/Does-send-thank-letters-more.html) and I wondered, how many of the people who say they prefer handwritten thank you cards and notes send them to their friends, families and colleagues etc.?

Often, we want things that we don't then give.

Is there something you'd like more of in your life?

Rather than waiting for it, how can you find more ways to give it?

For example, if you wish your partner would listen to you more, ask yourself when you last gave him or her your full attention.

If you wish people would be more open and honest with you, ask yourself if you're keeping anything important from them (or even from yourself).

This will help you shift things and may even inspire the person / people you're frustrated with to reciprocate...

(Alternatively, you could take the radical approach and learn to ask directly for what you need).

Are you expecting too much from yourself?

2010-01-13T11:07:00.000Z

"Our limitations, our imperfections, our mistakes... these do not reflect our inferiority but are part of being human" - Joan Sheingold Ditzion

Reading this made me exhale with a sense of "Of course!"

But in daily life, I often forget that no one expects perfection from me or anyone else.

Think about your Christmas. Did you plan things so carefully imagining a Nigella-esque version even though that's impossible for most of us?

This year (and beyond), how can you take some pressure of yourself and just smile when things don't go to plan?

How can you support yourself so you don't contort yourself trying to make things perfect at work, at home, in your relationships and so on?

Being human (with all the mistakes this means) is just right.

How do you handle conflict?

2010-01-11T16:01:00.000Z

While I love coaching my clients and helping them assert themselves in their relationships, lives and at work, my default position is to do whatever I can to avoid any kind of conflict.

In spite of all my coaching and NLP training and experience (not to mention other trainings I've done like non-violent communication and my ongoing psychosynthesis course) I have to coach myself A Lot to psych myself up to having difficult conversations in my own life.

I worry endlessly about what people will think of my saying certain things. I often judge myself for even having certain feelings.

Although I've stopped letting this anxiety stop me expressing myself, I doubt I'll ever feel completely at ease with it.

So I was horrified to learn that one of the training exercises we'd be doing at college this weekend involved expressing things that someone else had done (over the year we've been working together) to upset us in some way.

The paranoid part of me worried that I'd have a big, long line of people queuing up to tell me all the things about me that annoyed them.

I was also terrified of talking to the only person I'd had an issue but knew that a healthy, well-adjusted soul would discuss and release it.

I ended up having two challening conversations but afterwards, felt amazing. I'd managed to express myself and hear the other person's words.

I feel much freer now. And also horrified by the amount of energy I've spent, over the years, doing everything possible to avoid conflict.

When listening to the instructions for the exercise, I felt physically sick. And this was around potential conflict with a fellow student.

Think of all the people you come across in your family, neighbourhood, friendship circle, work and so on where you know them so much better (and they seem to know exactly how to push your buttons).

If anyone's springing to mind for you, I hope you'll find these tips helpful:

. Get used to checking in with yourself. Are you upset about something? Acknowledge it to yourself

. Take some time to think about what buttons it's pushed for you. Why are you feeling so upset about it?

. What would you like to happen? If you could wave a magic wand and not have to actually express your negative emotions, what outcome would you want?

. Now start thinking about ways you can take physical steps (sadly, magic wands don't work but they're a great tool for freeing you up to acknowledge your impossible feeling dreams and hopes) to make this happen

. Do you need to talk to someone about something they've done?

. How can you focus on how whatever it is makes YOU feel? (The less blamey you are, the better they'll hear you)

. Can you imagine asking them for whatever you need them to do to help you?

. Can you respect their wishes if, for whatever reason, they can't give you what you need?

I can feel my anxiety levels rising as I type this imagining all the opportunities to practice I usually ignore.

But from now on, I'm going to aim to take as many opportunities as possible to improve all my relationships.

It may feel clumsy at first but think of toddlers learing to walk. They don't give up because they fall over the first (several) time.

Does snow make us more spontaneous?

2010-01-08T12:05:00.000Z

When the whole country seems to come to a halt at the mere mention of snow (and then we actually get quite a lot), it forces me to be more spontaneous.

Normally, I'm a complete planner. I psych myself up to do things and then do them.

But snow means that the things we normally take for granted (even just walking to the station / nearest bus stop) can feel harder to predict.

No matter how much I may want to go swimming, I can't cycle the six mile roundtrip on icy roads (and it would take decades to walk).

If I make it up the hill without falling over (again) will trains and buses even be running?

Being self employed and working from home most of the time means I can be pretty flexible and rearrange snow-affected things while still getting a lot done.

If you're affected, what can you do to help you enjoy the snow days more?

How can you go with the flow?

For me, thinking about trekking all the way into college tomorrow (two hours each way on a good day) when there's the possibility it will be cancelled makes me feel completely unspontaneous again.

But taking time to make some snow angels after shovelling helps me to smile about it and experience the present rather than worrying about what might happen.

What kind of person are you becoming?

2010-01-07T16:37:00.000Z

Do you remember Scarlett in Gone With the Wind (the novel more so than the film)? She endlessly wanted to be a Great Lady like her mother. But not yet.

Being a "great lady" meant being patient, kind and all sorts of things that are hard work. Scarlett wanted to live before becoming more like Melly and her mother.

In books, TV and film, characters are often portrayed as good or bad.

In shows like Buffy, Angel would suddenly switch from good to evil and it could have been life threatening for Buffy. Georgina (Buffy's Michelle Trachtenburg) in Gossip Girl seems to have a similarly On/Off switch for her entire personality.

I remember watching Dr Quinn and loving the way that different characters were likeable and unlikeable eopisode to episode. The "good" ones made mistakes and even the violent, awful ones had some redeeming qualities.

In real life, though, we make our choices moment by moment.

Whether to be honest and face the consequences or tell that little lie for convenience.

To be honest with our accounts or expenses rather than including something that doesn't belong there.

How can you make daily decisions that help you become the person you want to be?

Take action against fear

2010-01-04T14:14:00.000Z

"I am no longer afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my own ship" - Louisa May Alcott

The author best known for her novel, Little Women, was quite a pioneer. Even though she lived in a time when women weren't supposed to work in most fields, let alone have their own dreams, she supported her family through her writing.

I love the idea of not being afraid of storms but worry that even if I knew how to sail, there'd still be all sorts of things I'd be scared of (I'm not great with the whole "letting go" and "trusting" yet).

Still, I love Louisa's advice. While I'll probably never sail the seven seas, there are all sorts of things I've learned about to help me feel less fearful in my day to day life.

A few years ago, I knew nothing about running my own business but I started my own coaching practice while launching myself as a freelance journalist and writer.

Five years on, while I think I was a bit crazy to do things in this way, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I learned what I could about making it work (taking lots of opportunities to build my tool kit with more training and so on) as I went along.

Now that I'm training as a psychosynthesis psychotherapist, I regularly feel way out of my depth. But I also know that, quite apart from counselling skills and practical applications, I'm learning stuff about myself and healing things I never thought could be healed and this will help me in ALL areas of life.

What "storms" do you fear in your life?

What kind of training could help alleviate some of your fears?

Who can you talk to about them? (Someone who has done what you're scared / excited about trying? Someone who'll support you as you make progress?)

Acknowledge the things you're afraid of and then take steps to storm proof your life as much as you can.

Once you feel confident that you've done whatever YOU can do, it will be that much easier to relax and trust that you can sail through the seas ahead...

Taking stock

2009-12-31T11:54:00.001Z

Before getting ready to go out tonight, you may want to spend some quiet time taking stock of 2009.

Think about the different areas of your life that are important to you right now (home, finances, family, love, fun, spirituality, work, health, fitness and so on). Make a list of your achievements in each area.

Think also about your (dare I say it?) failures. This is not to make you feel badly about yourself but simply to acknowledge what hasn't worked for you in the past.

What lessons have you learned from them?

Now that you've acknowledged them (just to yourself. You don't need to go over the top), what ideas do you have for doing things differently in 2010?

Learn from the past by acknowledging it - good and bad.

Then party the year away knowing that you can recreate your achievements in 2010 without repeating mistakes.

Happy New Year!

Confidence tips inspired by top TV chefs - Happy 2010

2009-12-30T17:54:00.000Z

I've been watching a lot of cookery shows over the holidays.

Rachael Ray, Barefoot Contessa, Nigella Lawson, Nigel Slater, Rachel Allen...

They all glow with pride and accomplishment over their delicious looking creations.

They have complete faith that it's all going to turn out perfectly and regularly say things like:

. "Phenomenal"
. "Perfect"
. "How good is THAT?!" and so on.

It's contagious.

In your own life, how often do you talk about your own creations (whether it's food you've prepared or a project at work or even an outfit you've put together for a party) in a positive, compliment-expecting way?

How can you bring some of this "of course whatever I turn my hand to will work out perfectly" attitude to 2010?

Thinking of making the same impossible seeming resolutions again?

2009-12-23T11:49:00.000Z

Don't lose faith in yourself. If it's a big goal, it may well take a long time to create a new habit around it. (Personally speaking, I'd been repeatedly trying to give up one self-destructive habit for 23 years before finally kicking it this year).

To help motivate you, think of the Indian lorry driver, Ramchandra Das who made the news recently. The 53 year old spent 14 years chipping away at the mountain in Bihar that blocked his house with a hammer.

While I'm no architecht, this sounds like it could have been a pretty risky strategy (if the mountain had collapsed) but all worked out well and Mr Das no longer needs to park several miles from his home.

What will be your mountain in 2010? Is it a big habit you're trying to kick? An enormous goal you still haven't reached?

Don't give up.

The time will pass whether you achieve what you want or not so you might as well start taking those steps that will get you closer to a life you're happier living.

Happy Christmas!

Cool Yule!

2009-12-21T11:53:00.000Z

So (in this hemisphere) today's the shortest day of the year. Long before Christmas, it was celebrated as a way to encourage light to come back.

As well as tucking into your delicious Yule log (I actually managed to save mine until today this year), you may want to spend some time thinking about the kind of light you want to bring into your life as the days begin to get longer.

Allow yourself to feel the darkness and uncertainty around certain projects / relationships / adventures / money.

Seeds need the darkness of the earth to let them grow and (impatient as we humans can be) we also need downtime to let ourselves just be before we become all active again.

Once you've allowed yourself to feel (or at least acknowledge) your uncertainties, let yourself dream.

What do you want to create in your life this year? What steps will help you get there?

Taking it slow and enjoying the snow

2009-12-18T15:43:00.000Z

After the usual snow induced Travel Chaos kicked in on my way home last night, I worried I'd be stranded in London all night (Southend trains had been cancelled). Fortunately, I made it home in one piece, though much later than I'd expected.

By the time I was on the penultimate leg of my journey, a rail replacement bus, it was snowing so hard that the driver was crawling along and I realised that when he'd said this would be the last bus, he hadn't been exaggerating.

Once I was within walking distance (albeit very slow - I tore a ligament after falling in snow a few years ago and still feel a bit wary), I began to enjoy it.

It felt like I was the only human around - no other footprints, only a couple of small foxes. I stopped off a couple of times to make snow angels and just took it slow, enjoying the snow.

There's something magical about snow. Even the grimiest streets or a row of dustbins look pretty under its dust.

But when it turns to ice and slush, the streets end up looking worse than ever.

Have you ever had an experience (a holiday / relationship / night out / becoming a parent / anything) that left you feeling like your whole life had changed?

That things you'd never considered suddenly seemed really obvious?

How long did you hold onto the sense of wonder?

When it faded, did you feel worse than you had before as the added iciness and slush combined with reality?

What can you start doing differently today to bring back some of that wonder you had? How can you give the areas of your life you're less happy with a snowy makeover?

It might be as simple as thinking about what you did on that holiday etc. and figuring out how to make time for some of it in your daily life.

What are you afraid of?

2009-12-11T22:20:00.000Z

We spent a lot of time (on Loud Women, BBC Essex - click here http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/mainframe.shtml?http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/essex.shtml and choose Friday 11/12/09 between noon and 2pm to listen) talking about dentist phobias today.

Lots of people called in with their horror stories.

I realised that even after extensive orthodontic treatment (4 teeth removed and a couple of years with a fixed brace on my top and bottom teeth), countless fillings (I have a very sweet tooth but, thankfully, haven't needed any new fillings for several years - since I started getting regular checks done) and gum surgery (the final step in a root canal treatment turned bad and several visits to the dental hospital while they tried to figure out how to fix things), I don't HATE going to the dentist.

I have a lovely dentist and while I don't enjoy going, I'm not phobic. And considering all the things our teeth and gum health can warn us about, regular visits are important.

I also have regular eye tests and other health checks. Part of me would quite like a full annual MOT like test but this year, having had several blood tests and an ECG along with other check-ups, I'm feeling quite virtuous about heading into the New Year.

That's not to say that I didn't put off the scariest ones for several months.

Before things get completely hectic with Christmas and the holidays, make any outstanding appointments to get whatever you need checked looked at.

It's NOT pleasant but you'll feel so much better when the results come back and you know that, whether it's a condition you need to deal with or a clean bill of health, you are taking responsibility for keeping your body as healthy as possible.

Do you watch your language when you talk to yourself?

2009-12-02T13:48:00.000Z

One of the Breakthrough confidence coaching sessions I offer is about watching your language when you're alone.

Think about it. When you're ready to head out the door and you catch your reflection in the mirror, are your words and facial expressions friendly or incredibly harsh?

If anyone else were to talk to you like that, you'd quickly stop spending time with them. And yet you probably allow this voice free reign in your head for much of every day.

Watching 30 Rock last night, I was struck by Jack's (Alec Baldwin) self talk compared to Liz (Tina Fey).

Jack (to his reflection): "You're a lion! Take what's yours!"

Liz (to her reflection): "You stupid b****!"

Unfortunately, by the end of the episode, he'd adopted her self loathing approach rather than her ending up feeling better.

Take some time to notice your responses to yourself when you see yourself in the mirror, hear yourself on tape etc. or have any sort of judgement about yourself at all.

How can you encourage yourself to be your best without lacerating every shred of self esteem?

What would you wish for if you could have anything in the world?

2009-11-25T14:54:00.000Z

OK, so I watched the pilot of Eastwick (an update from the Updike novel and film starring Cher, Susan Sarandon and Michelle Pfieffer) last night.

Their wishes were granted after throwing coins into a fountain and while it all seems very contrived (though enjoyably glossy and escapist fun), it got me thinking.

Wishes seems frivolous. Lazy. Superstitious.

And yet, allowing ourselves to acknowledge what we want as if we could use magic to get it frees up our minds enough to admit things we wouldn't normally allow ourselves to dwell on.

Think about it. If you knew you could have anything in the world, what would you wish for?

World peace?

A cure for AIDS?

An amazing relationship?

Your children's futures to be secure and happy?

Kids?

An amazing book deal?

Business success?

List as many outlandish things as you can think of. Then ask yourself which "wishes" you're prepared to work towards.

What first step can you take today?

Singing in public

2009-11-20T15:45:00.001Z

I enjoyed being part of Sadie's radio show again today (you can listen by clicking here and choosing Friday, 20th November, noon to 1pm - http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/mainframe.shtml?http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/essex.shtml).

But as well as the topics (whether cheats ever prosper and Jordan in the jungle), I learned that, for a confidence coach, I'm still pretty shy.

Sadie and Lynette (the other guest) burst into song at a moment's notice. I thought about joining in but only eventually coaxed myself to sing in a lower key, harmonies rather than the actual song.

I love singing. When I was a kid, I sang a lot but somehow, lost my voice. In the past year or so (especially since starting to work so much with psychosynthesis), I've been singing much more - on my bike, walking along the street (as long as it's either deserted or so hectic that the roar of traffic etc. will drown me out), in the bath etc. Even at home, I prefer to let rip when I'm pretty sure my neighbours are out (though I am getting a bit braver.)

Is there something you love to do but hold back on? When I want to sing and stop myself, I feel like I'm being physically restrained. Do you ever get that feeling?

Maybe it's when you want to voice a different opinion in a conversation / meeting or you stop yourself dancing even when you love the music... Think about how you hold yourself back and don't express yourself fully.

I'm going to:

1) sing around my home AT LEAST once a day - as loud as I want, no holds barred (I can feel my anxiety levels rise as I type this!)
2) not chicken out next time I want to sing in public
3) stop expecting perfection. I'm no Ella Fitzgerald, Patsy Cline, Linda Perry, Courtney Love or Cerys Matthews (and many more musical heroes) but singing along to them makes me happy and I plan on doing more of it.

What steps are you going to take?

Feel free to email me - I'd love to hear :)

Raise your expectations

2009-11-16T18:45:00.000Z

"You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them." - Michael Jordan

What do you expect from yourself?

If you're a parent, how do you encourage your kids to be their best?

How can you encourage and coach yourself? Not in a bullying kind of way but how can you use your self knowledge to support and motivate yourself?

What kind of things have you been wary about expecting from yourself?

Why are you talking yourself out of things before even trying?

How can you learn from things that haven't worked out perfectly to make this attempt more likely to succeed?

If it doesn't work out, be gentle with yourself before trying again but don't let yourself - or anyone else - talk you into giving up on yourself by not even trying...

Happy World Kindness Day!

2009-11-13T12:33:00.000Z

To celebrate, think about the day ahead. Be open to chances to be kind.

Whether it's listening to someone tell a story they've told you a gazillion times before, agreeing to take a couple of tourists' photo, smiling at people in the street, giving up your seat on the train or bus or anything else, think about what you can do today to make the world a little kinder.

Don't forget to be kind to yourself, too.

If someone's trying to help you, don't automatically refuse them. If there are things you haven't done, rather than beat yourself up about it, ask yourself (kindly) what would help you take that next step.

By slowing down just a little, you'll notice all sorts of ways to be a little kinder, accept others' kindess to you and enjoy life more.

A world in which women easily accept compliments

2009-11-09T11:43:00.000Z

I love Bones (Sky1) for many reasons. One is that it's the only programme I can think of filled with confident women.

On Thursday's episode alone:

. Cam compliment Angela on her work. Angela said, "I know, right?" (reminding me a little of Rachel Weisz's response to a guy on the dancefloor asking her, "Aren't you Cleopatra? Queen of the Nile?" "How observant you are!) in Land Girls).

. Sweets tells Daisy she's brilliant and she replies, "Certainly well above average. OK, brilliant."

And then Bones herself took it to a whole new level when Boothe's boss hopes she's happy with Boothe and told he's the best. Boothe said, "Oh, I don't know about that". Bones said, "I agree. That statement is impossible to quantify since there are no other agents partnered with forensic anthropologists, let alone one with my capabilities."

I'm a confidence coach and still have to force myself to accept compliments on a regular basis.

If you struggle (and it's not just women) to say (and mean) something like, "Why, thank you!" ask yourself why.

Do you disbelieve what the person is telling you?

Do you secretly believe them but worry that you'd look conceited if you acknowledge the fact that you know what they've noticed about yourself?

Men and women, take inspiration from the characters in Bones. Know your strengths and acknowledge them.

Even if, for a while, you simply imagine yourself responding in a different way, practice and you'll get there...

Are you telling yourself the truth about your situation

2009-11-03T10:32:00.001Z

I (finally) watched Changeling last night. Based on a true story, it's one of the most horrific films I've ever seen (so many nightmare scenarios in it, almost implausible yet true).

But Christine Collins (Angelina Jolie) is also a huge inspiration. She reports her son missing and is told by police she has to wait 24 hours before they can look into it.

Then they find him, 5 months later, only it's not him. She keeps telling them he's not her son (he's shorter and has other big differences) but they say things like "His identity has been confirmed by the best minds in the field of child identification."

She's his mother!!!

I won't give any more away but it's an excellent, if harrowing, film.

While it's unlikely that any of us will face similarly surreal situations, we've all had times when we've known something while others have tried to convince us that we're wrong, purple is green.

It may have been a:

. partner swearing s/he is being honest when you KNOW something is off?

. client promising that overdue payment is on it's way?

. boss insisting all is well with the company you work for and you'll soon be back to staff levels that don't stretch you beyond your limits?

How do you react when you know you're being lied to?

Do you ever lie to yourself? (Trying to pretend things are OK when something has to change?)

Christine Collins stayed true to herself and what she knew to be true in spite of police, doctors and others trying to bully and threaten her into acquiescence.

What can you start doing differently today to face your situation honestly and courageously?

Is it too much for you to handle alone? Who might be able to support you through this?

Let your actions speak louder than your words

2009-11-02T11:14:00.000Z

Research from New York University shows that talking about goals before you've reached them can actually set you back.

Apparently, chatting about them can make us lazy, as if we've already done the hard work needed to get there.

So next time you want to announce a big goal (from quitting smoking or another bad habit to writing a book / getting a new job / starting a business / moving house), consider keeping it to yourself for just a little while longer.

It's not about staying completely quiet, just let your actions speak louder than your words. Spend that time you might have chattered about it writing chapter after chapter / applying for new jobs / researching the housing market / learning any additional skills for your new business.

Save the bubbly for your launch! You can tell everyone how you did it then.

Happy Hallowe'en

2009-10-30T18:35:00.000Z

Amongst today's topics were ghoulish ghost stories (I just recently found out that approximately 100,000 women were burned as witches during the Burning Times - horrific), crime and punishment and trick or treaters... (choose noon to 2pm to listen -
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/mainframe.shtml?http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/essex.shtml)

Hoping for a different past?

2009-10-28T11:04:00.001Z

According to (one of my all time favourite writers and human beings) Martha Beck, "forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a different past".

I'm a big fan of forgiveness, in theory. But in spite of all the logical sayings - like "not forgiving is like drinking poison and hoping someone else will feel the effects" - in practice, it can feel much harder.

Thinking of the things you struggle to forgive, is a part of you hoping for something to actually rewind so you can have had a different past?

How can you make peace with your past (even if you're not ready to even contemplate forgiving someone involved)?

Banishing Bad Moods

2009-10-26T12:13:00.000Z

Sometimes, it's appropriate to wallow a little, but for those days when you want to snap yourself out of it - http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/fabulous/fab_columnists/562124/bad-moods.html

Superhero Mum - inspiration to us all

2009-10-19T13:19:00.001+01:00

I was amazed to read (in The Week, 16/10/09) about an Indian woman, Rinku Rai, who suddenly went into labour in a train toilet. Before she knew what was happening, her newborn baby was sucked through the chute and onto the train tracks.

Like a superhero, Ms Rai leaped from the moving train (having just given birth! Moving train!), ran back down the track and found her baby unharmed.

It sounds like all of this happened so quickly, Ms Rai didn't overthink it. Instinct took over and her happy ending is making people smile around the world.

Think about your own life. While you might not be able to think of as dramatic an example (I certainly can't), can you remember a time when you did something that seemed impossible?

Maybe people were telling you it wasn't worth trying but instead of giving up, you took the steps you needed to take to get there and made it possible?

How can you harness that same self belief today?

What feels too challenging for you right now?

Think of Ms Rai and give yourself permission to use all your resources and make a difference in your own life.

When are you most comfortable with yourself?

2009-10-16T19:10:00.000+01:00

“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself." - Mark Twain

If you don't know, start asking yourself on a regular basis. When you find yourself thinking "Now. This feels like me" make a note of what you were doing.

It might have been singing at the top of your lungs in the car or shower, doing something for your kids, getting into a flow state at work, laughing with friends or all of these or something very different.

Make yourself into a research project.

Pay attention to the things that help you feel more comfortable with yourself and schedule them in so this is how you spend as much of your life as possible.

Think about the things that you resist, too. What makes you feel uncomfortable?

How can you shift things so you can minimise the time you spend doing things that go against your core?

Feeling like a fraud

2009-10-14T15:30:00.000+01:00

I attended my first Guild of Health Writers event last night. I'd only joined a few months ago and wondered what the Health Writer's Awards would entail.

Rather than being stuffy and formal (though the venue was amazing), it was fun and inspirational.

But I was surprised by how many people I met who all confessed to feeling a bit like a fraud. Even people who write regularly for well respected titles.

Is there an area of your life where you feel a bit out of your depth? Would confessing to others in similar situations help you feel better about it? (Don't do it if they're likely to look at you blankly leaving you feeling worse than ever).

Would learning more about the subject / area you struggle with help you boost your confidence?

Remembering that it's perfectly normal to feel out of your depth - especially when you're doing some kind of growing - can help ease some of that anxiety enabling you to really go for it.

Practicing tolerance

2009-10-05T14:32:00.000+01:00

"Everybody is right from their own stand point ... hence the need for tolerance." - www.thoughtfortoday.org.uk

I've been having an imaginary conversation in my head all day, trying to avoid an argument but getting quite riled up as I anticipate this person's actions.

My predictions are based on previous examples so my anxiety about an argument isn't coming from nowhere.

But this little message has made me rethink things. I've gone over (in my imaginary argument with them) my perception of why they do the thing that is causing me problems but even in my head, it sounds judgmental.

So I'm going to attempt to take this advice to heart and:

1) Not jump in anticipating an argument
2) If they do the thing I think they'll do, I'll take a deep breath
3) Then, rather than getting defensive and walking away (I rarely actually argue - just in my head :)), I'll ask them questions to see if I can understand what on earth they're going on about, I mean, to find out how we can reach a compromise where everyone feels heard and valued.

Am quite tired just thinking about it but the anxiety I've been holding in my chest all day has suddenly lifted.

They may even surprise me by considering my perspective without the need for all this!!

How might exercising your tolerance muscles help you in your life?

The confidence to speak out

2009-10-02T15:34:00.001+01:00

The founder of V-Day (a movement to end violence against women and girls) has been speaking out for people who don't have a voice for years.

I was fortunate enough to meet her a few years ago and she's one of my all time heros. To have survived so much and then to help so many people...

Here's her piece on the betrayal she felt by directors' etc. support of Roman Polanski's behaviour:

www.huffingtonpost.com/eve-ensler/does-the-brotherhood-of-f_b_305581.html

Personally, I adore David Lynch and Pedro Almadovar but can't believe that anyone would OK the rape of a 13 year old girl because it happened ages ago and he's had a tough life.

Equally, I can't believe how many interviews I read at the height of ER star Noah Wyle's fame which acted as if the fact that he'd lost his virginity to an 18 year old when HE was 13 was something cool.

Boy or girl, 13 is childhood.

I'd love to live in a world where children have the confidence to feel that their voices matter, too. That they can safely say NO to anything that makes them feel remotely uncomfortable and that no one has to give into abuse.

I know it's NOT that world, but part of me feels confident that, by getting predators the help they need (not putting them in places where we know old abuse will be compounded by new) and by keeping children safe or at least letting them know that it wasn't their fault, we can slowly get there.

Being Erica - Would you want to revisit past regrets?

2009-09-29T11:46:00.000+01:00

Since hearing about E4's new Canadian drama, Being Erica, I wanted to see it. As a coach and psychotherapy student, I think the idea of listing regrets and being transported back in time so you can have a second chance is a great premise for a TV show.

But as a human, the idea terrifies me. I barely got through my regretful situations the first time. What if things were even worse when reliving them?

Erica's regrets aren't traumas but they're entertainingly cringeworthy to watch from behind a cushion. And so far, although she's spent years haunted by the wish she'd done certain things differently, she seems to be learning that the choices she made were actually right for her.

But it's the "therapist" (magician?) who seems to have the most fun.

He demands complete committment to change, has the ability to move his office around like one of the lands at the top of The Magic Faraway Tree (it pops up all over the place) and doesn't seem to need to earn a living.

Thinking about your own life, are you hung up on certain regrets?

Imagine you could go back and relive certain episodes from your own life? What would you want to do differently?

With that knowledge, how can you approach your life today differently without having to revisit the actual scene?

Shedding leaves, letting go and moving on

2009-09-25T15:10:00.001+01:00

When you're feeling impatient and stuck, one of the quickest ways to get yourself out of it is to let go of everything that's holding you back.

Have you got clothes that no longer fit well or suit you? Donate them and enjoy having extra space in your closet (it'll make it much easier to get dressed each morning).

Apparently, in Japan, people leave spaces everywhere - on bookshelves, in closets... after all, if there's no space, things can't flow well and we can get stagnant.

Personally, I'd love to fast forward through the shedding off old skin / leaves phase and be in the sparkly new one.

But I know that, uncomfortable as it may feel at the time, having a good clear out (not just of clothes but habits and patterns of behaviour that no longer work) is a great way to celebrate the end of summer and make room for a great Autumn.

What are you ready to release?

How can you be gentle with yourself as you let go of things that you've perhaps been holding onto for too long?

What will you do to treat yourself when you've made some space in your life?

5 years! Celebrating all mile stones

2009-09-10T13:56:00.000+01:00

It was my fifth Business Birthday yesterday but because I've been on Jury Service this week, I started celebrating last week (I make my actual birthday celebrations last at least two weeks).

My business has changed a lot in the past five years but I've learned from every step (and each mistake).

Too often, we hurtle through life without stopping to take stock.

Whether you have a personal mile stone coming up or just a few moments to think about your achievements, take some time to give yourself a pat on the back.

By taking an overview, you'll notice patterns which can help you make better decisions as you move into the future. These are often harder to spot when we're in the thick of things.

Whatever you've accomplished, take some time to celebrate and think Yay You!!!

Cheating hearts - humiliate or simply pack up and leave

2009-09-02T12:59:00.001+01:00

One of the things we talked about on Saturday's show (www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/mainframe.shtml?http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/essex.shtml - choose Sadie's show, noon to 2pm) was a man who begged for forgiveness after his infedility was discovered.

His partner agreed to forgive him only if he... well - www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1209451/Cheating-husband-wear-I-cheated-sign-wife.html

I'm all for honesty (and don't understand why so many men and women find it easier to lie than simply tell their partners whatever the truth may be) but not for humiliation.

I find it hard to believe that this man, shamed and humiliated, will be thinking loving thoughts towards his wife.

Why not just leave? Don't they need to address the issues that led to the affair in the first place?

What do you think?

What we can learn from children

2009-08-28T19:35:00.000+01:00

"Children smile 400 times a day on average ... adults 15 times. Children laugh 150 times a day ... adults 6 times per day. Children play between 4-6 hours a day ... adults only 20 minutes a day. What's happened "

- Robert Holden from 'Living Wonderfully'

4-6 hours a day playing? Unscheduled time to do whatever they feel like doing?

Can you remember the last time you gave yourself even half an hour to do whatever you felt in the mood to do? No lists, no chores no pressure?

If you can't even imagine it, let your mind wander a little. What would you want to do if you have that amount of time to play, doing whatever you felt like doing (and you'd caught up on all the sleep you've been deprived of and have done everything that needs to be done)...?

How can you schedule more time to play into your life? Remember your school days with morning and afternoon breaks plus lunch? Squeeze some mini breaks into your life and you'll find yourself laughing and smiling much more...

Being true to yourself within all your relationships

2009-08-26T15:45:00.001+01:00

A psychotherapist recently described "differentiation" as two people, within a relationship, being able to express their individual truths, even when they knew it wouldn't be popular, without fear.

I guess on a larger scale, it's like a free society, where individuals can protest / express themselves without fear of recrimination.

In relationships and friendships, we can be so keen to be loved for who we are, we try to be who we think the other person wants us to be.

I've been watching Boston Legal and think the friendship between ultra conservative Denny Crane (William Shatner) and his liberal best friend and "fellow flamingo" Alan Shore (James Spader) is one of the best examples I've seen of this. They accept each others (many, many) flaws (e.g. Denny to young, attractive female lawyer: "Do you want a hug?" She flinches and backs away. He shrugs and tries "Can I have a hug?").

They often push each other too far but the friendship means so much to them that you know (also, I've seen the last few episodes ever so know how it ends) they'll always be there for each other.

The shifting power imbalances between men and women, parents and children, bosses and employees, clients and suppliers etc. can make this more challenging but people do manage to express their truths, knowing that whatever the outcome, they'll be OK.

Is there someone you're struggling to express yourself to? What are you afraid might happen if you say, "When you do x, it makes me feel y and I'd rather you stopped"?

How would ___ feel if they knew how much you were holding back?

What's likely to happen if you carry on keeping these feelings to yourself? (Potential emotional explosion? Increased resentment?)

How can you ease into expressing your own truth? (If you're too anxious at first to express it out loud to the person who needs to hear it, at least honour it, and yourself by telling yourself what you're unhappy with.)

Those who love you want what's best for you - even if that means disagreeing or being at odds with them.

Good luck!

Are you making decisions based on love or fear?

2009-08-25T13:33:00.001+01:00

I keep hearing Marianne Williamson's voice in my head as I ask myself this about my own decisions.

It sounds so simple - making decisions based on love (or, in NLP terms, "towards") will help you feel better than basing everything on fear (or "away from").

Yet fear can easily take over and compress us so we tense and hold on so tightly, we can't even imagine what it is we want. We just know what we don't want.

What kind of decisions do you find easy to base on love?

For example, do you take on clients or jobs because of what Kristen Chenoweth (author of the delightful memoir, A Little Bit Wicked) would call The Fun Factor or is it ALL based around money, benefits and what you worry might happen if you don't?

If you're a parent, do you let your hopes for your children influence your decision making when they want to do something alone or does fear get in the way?

I'm not at all suggesting that fear doesn't have it's place. Often, fear can be a lifesaver when we tune into that instinct that then keeps us safe.

But if more of your decisions are based on what you're afraid of rather than what you love (and what will help you expand as a person), it may be time to rethink things.

Next time you need to make a decision, take a few moments to sit quietly with the options. Just checking in and figuring out which direction is driven by love and which by fear will help you notice patterns and potentially make changes.

Ridiculous rescues - What kind of situation makes you forget your resourcefulness?

2009-08-10T13:39:00.000+01:00

I just had to be rescued.

I'd popped out to feed some neighbours' fish (they're away for a couple of days) and when I went to let myself out, found that the door was locked and wouldn't budge (my hand is still bleeding a little from where I tried to make it open).

The letter box wouldn't open from the inside and all the windows were locked, too, so while I could see some neighbours outside, I couldn't communicate with them.

After about 20 minutes of feeling completely unresourceful - no internet, phone or anything other than what I was wearing - I thought about trying to leap over some fences to eventually reach my own backyard.

I'd have to walk a few blocks round to the front and was worried that I'd then need to scale the fence each time to feed the fish. Fortunately, another neighbour's window was open so I yelled up for help.

I threw the keys over the empty yards (phew - they made it) and she was able to get me out of there.

But it made me think. I was in no danger (apart from my fear of missing deadlines if I didn't get out in time to finish my features) and yet I was in full on panic mode.

All my usual resourcefulness (between the journalism and coaching, I generally feel able to do pretty much anything I set my mind to) had completely vanished.

What kind of situations make you forget your resources?

Trying to be your best

2009-08-07T09:10:00.000+01:00

I have become addicted to Dollhouse and Bionic Woman.

In Dollhouse, even though the whole premise is completely unethical, there's a small part of me that would love to have new skills downloaded so I could wake up with the ability to do pretty much anything - I'd just want to be in control of the programming.

And I'd also probably be too scared to actually mess with my brain in case something went wrong.

All the "dolls" are good looking and when one is slashed, he says he can't be his best now. The (also slashed) doctor agrees sadly.

I know it's TV but why do so many of us let whatever it is we don't like about our appearances hold us back so much?

Then there's Bionic Woman.

While I can't imagine (though, sure, it's possible I might change my mind) ever risking the knife for the sake of a few wrinkles, there's a small part of me that wonders how close to the front of the line I'd be if I could be made to run faster (I don't run at all, other than for the occassional bus or train), jump higher, hear and see more etc.

These abilities feel far more worthy (though currently impossible - who knew I'd enjoy the SciFi Channel?) of taking a risk (though I imagine I'd still be too scared to risk it).

Still, realising that I envy a fictional character's strength and fitness is part of what motivated me to have a 6am swim this morning (7am yesterday). I know I'll never be bionic fast but swimming makes me feel at my strongest.

And recognising that there is soooo much more I want to learn (though I love the idea of it all being downloaded with minimum effort on my part) has me actively looking for more opportunities to do this.

I also admire Veronica Mars' ability to put the past behind her and deal with whatever life throws at her in an incredibly resourceful way - at just 17.

Which fictional characters can give you clues about the characteristics and skills you'd like to develop in yourself?

When you look at your schedule, does your heart sink or are you happy?

2009-07-31T09:02:00.001+01:00

This is a great time of year to reassess the way you spend your days.

As the old saying goes, "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got".

Think about your life right now.

What are you pleased with?

Where would you like things to improve?

As you look at your schedule for the day / week / month ahead, noticed the feelings that crop up for you.

What tasks and events are you excited about? What energises you just thinking about it?

What drains you as you contemplate the idea of it?

How can you shift things so you do more of the things that help you feel at your best?

How can you delegate the things that fill you resentment?

Take control of your schedule and create a day to day life that will support you in everything you do.

"What you think about me is none of my business" - Elle Macpherson

2009-07-27T19:34:00.000+01:00

I came across "What other people think of me is none of my business" years ago and instantly loved it.

But to hear a real (i.e. not fictional) person say it with conviction - especially someone who's lived so long in the public eye - is brilliant.

Is there an area of your life where you pay too much attention to what other people might be thinking about you?

Your choice of partner? What you eat? Where you live? What you choose to wear? Taking a new job or starting your own business?

It's completely natural to care about other people's opinions - after all, our ancestors would have been exiled from the tribe if they stepped out of line. And this would have meant certain death.

But now, we can assert our own choices more freely.

Stop letting thoughts of how other people may or may not be judging you control the way you live your life. No one can shine under that kind of scrutiny.

Easy vegetable soup - Eating well to support yourself

2009-07-24T16:18:00.000+01:00

I attended a really interesting event at the College for Naturopathic Medicine last night.

I have a healthy heart (my ECG last week confirmed that) but know that when I'm stressed / in self sabotage mode, I can be prone to turning to sugary and fatty (yummox) foods to make myself feel better.

This can lead to self loathing filled thoughts telling me I'm no good at anything (what we eat really does affect our moods so while this isn't strictly a confidence coaching blog, eating well can definitely help boost yours).

By cooking more in batches, so I can heat up a quick lunch or dinner that will be comforting and nutritious, I'm better able to eat in a way that supports myself. And I get to feel virtuous too.

I'm feeling especially good after being complemented on a soup I made for lunch today. I'm sharing the recipe to show how easy it is (anyone can cook, no matter how much they lack confidence in that area).

When you think of your own nutritional weak spots, rather than just beating yourself up ("I always leave making lunch too late and end up grabbing something unhealthy, expensive and unappealing..."), think of ways you can support yourself more in the future.

Soups and dall really works for me as I've never eaten a salad in my life. If you're more of a salad type soul, prep your favourite leaves and veggies in advance and make it easy for yourself.

Anyway, here's my easy veg soup:

. Chop some leeks (I do this finely as I love the flavour but hate the texture - I have to cook for myself as if I were a hard to please 4 year old sometimes) and soften them in some olive oil.
. Scrub (but don't bother peeling - lots of nutrients in the peel plus it saves time and energy) some potatoes and carrots. I usually go for a ratio of one leek, 2 big potatoes and one carrot but mix it up according to your own tastes).
. Start boiling them in a separate pan.
. Throw in a little wholegrain pasta to add bulk.
. Rinse a can's worth of cannelini beans and add these, too.
. Add some stock. I use Marigold's Swiss Boullion vegetable stock (along with a little nutmeg for wellbeing - I add a little nutmeg to everything from hot chocolate and beans on toast to soups and bakes. Got to have wellbeing...) and mix it all in.
. When the leeks are done, combine the contents of both pans and simmer until it's all so deliciously soft it's easy to mash.
. A few minutes before you're done, throw in some chopped coriander and let this wilt into it.
. Use a potato masher to mash it a bit.
. Serve with wholemeal rolls (or whatever kind of bread you enjoy).

Enjoy as much as you feel like now and keep the rest, in batches, in your fridge (you can also freeze some) for healthy lunches for days to come.

Tuning into your inner wisdom

2009-07-21T15:42:00.000+01:00

Even if traditional meditation isn't your thing, you can get similar benefits by doing anything that helps you access a natural flow state.

For some people, it might mean walking in nature or even a favourite art gallery. For others, things like gardening, cooking and other everyday things can help you access your inner wisdom.

Before you start, ask your unconscious mind a question you'd like the answer to.

It might be anything from "What is this situation with ___ trying to teach me?" to "Am I on the right track with ___?"

Then focus on your walk / gardening etc. but notice any signs that crop up.

What do you associate with each one?

Are any of them common (e.g. well known as representing a certain thing or they crop up a lot as a personal sign)?

Trust yourself and enjoy life as it begins to flow that bit more smoothly...

Bloggers unite for human rights

2009-07-17T17:04:00.000+01:00

I just came across this and thought it was definitely worth highlighting (http://www.bloggersunite.org/event/bloggers-unite-for-human-rights-2009 for more information).

Most of my work, now, is about wellbeing. Whether it's my journalism / writng or coaching, I'm very lucky to be able to focus on all sorts of things that can help readers and clients (and myself) live better lives, eat better, relate to others more easily and so on.

I know how lucky I am to live in a safe place (I'd started typing "in a safe part of the world" but women, men and children all over the world are unsafe if they suffer abuse in their own homes from the people who are supposed to love and protect them) and to be able to focus now on wellbeing rather than survival, like so many people on the planet.

Over the years, I've had "activist" spurts but it would literally hurt my heart and I burned out a couple of times by trying to do too much when I was younger.

I attended a peace and disarmament conference at the United Nations in Geneva to mark International Women's Day in March 2002. I heard horror stories about "peace keeping" troops raping the women they were supposed to be keeping safe as well as inspirational stories about troops and civilians trying to make the world a safer place for everyone.

My first ever press conference as a freelance journalist was with Eve Ensler (VDay.org founder and playright), Elizabeth Lesser (founder of the Omega Institute), Sally Field, Jane Fonda and several activists risking death on a daily basis to make a difference in their homelands (Africa, Iraq and Afghanistan). At the same conference, I got to meet longtime activist and life saver (or so it felt when I first read everything I could get my hands on by her in my early 20s), Gloria Steinem.

Eve Ensler started VDay because her heart was breaking hearing audience members's tales of survival after performances of The Vagina Monologues. They now fund grassroots organisations around the globe, helping put an end to violence against women and girls.

I've been fortunate to interview people who are making the world a safer, more peaceful place (including Ibrahim Issa from Hope Flowers School in Palestine, Marianne Williamson, Martha Beck and Getrude Matshe) and feel so lucky to get to be inspired as part of my job and, hopefully, raise awareness about these and other amazing people.

But, apart from using my Amnesty and Greenpeace credit cards (a lot), I don't actually do much at all apart from trying to help individuals feel better about themselves.

Is there a way you could become part of the solution? It might be raising funds, volunteering time and skills, writing letters to political prisoners and MPs or something else - give it some thought and trust that you can make a difference.

Check out websites like www.amnesty.org (or others that speak more to you.

And if you have a blog, why not add yours to this day of campaigning?

Could taking a step back from your obstacles could help you overcome them?

2009-07-15T21:25:00.000+01:00

I had my first ever Wii experience while babysitting this evening. Computer games have come along way from the ones I remember (Pac Man? Donkey Kong?).

One involved shooting targets, balloons, tin cans, space ships and I was trying to avoid the ducks (I don't eat meat - feel guilty shooting at it on a computer game!).

M said the tin can level was the hardest but I said, "No, the space ships" (they kept kidnapping clones of my avatar and "I" was making scared noises on the screen).

She said, "That's just because you're scared of them!"

And it was true - there was a part of me that felt in danger of annihalation. I was cringing and yeeshing at the screen whereas when M tacked that level, she shot at the spaceships without any emotional attachment / fear.

Is there an area of your life that you're too closely identified with to make the progress you'd like to be seeing?

By taking a step back and reminding yourself that you're not actually in danger, your head will be much clearer and you'll be better able to avoid the problems that crop up day to day.

Connecting with people (Linkedin)

2009-07-14T10:08:00.000+01:00

I've just joined Linkedin and, though very new to it, am enjoying connecting with people from my various walks of life.

If you're on Linkedin, you can find me at http://www.linkedin.com/pub/eve-menezes-cunningham/14/702/979

DIY doctoring - Take some time to do an audit

2009-07-08T17:10:00.001+01:00

Have been so low on energy lately (including a few instances where I was sleeping for 14 hours and I couldn't do things like go to a party next door, sit upright without feeling faint, stand up and so on) that I went to the doctor.

Assumed it would be anaemia or something (not being a medical professional, I decided to keep my diagnosis to my self) but have been referred for more tests.

Am sure it will all be fine but it made me think about some people I know (my parents) who never go to the doctor.

With my health and with life in general, if I feel something's not right, I'd always rather look into it and find out what I can do to improve things rather than bury my head in the sand (it's very claustrophobic, the sand gets in your eyes and it's impossible to breathe).

Is there something you've been concerned about? Might be your own health? Your performance at work? Your business's security? Your relationship? Your finances?

Pay attention to your concerns. Whether it's nothing to be worried about or a good time to take stock and start doing things in this area differently, once you know what you're dealing with you can take action.

The world is your lab

2009-07-06T11:33:00.000+01:00

I love all the CSIs. Especially CSI:NY.

I love it when they go lo-tec and use basic science. It's still beyond me but "proves" that they can find what they're looking for even without all the fancy computers.

I had a bit of a catch up this weekend and in one episode, Stella and Mac were in Greece and declared that the whole world was a lab. They used a fountain for a special kind of water they knew existed because they're magical scientists. Then they located a coffee burner as a heat source and Stella sacrificed a platinum earring to ____ (OK, I tranced out a little then and don't know what chemicals they were using but it was impressive).

In real life, it's easy to get sucked into familiar ways of doing things and not even try to improvise when things get a little off track.

But finding ways to turn the world into your lab - somewhere you can experiment with different approaches to problems until you find a strategy that works better - can help you shift things.

You don't have to start with something high risk and scary but if, for example, you're trying to become more assertive, rather than jumping in with your boss / partner / whoever you have the most issues with, start small. Experiment with writing a complaint letter or email in a way that enables a company that's let you down to respond in a way that allows everyone to win.

If you're trying to pluck up the courage to ask someone out after being single / in a relationship for ages, practice saying a simple Hello to people you normally wouldn't engage with (a chat at the checkout counter when shopping? Starting a conversation with a stranger at the bus stop)...

There are all sorts of ways you can experiment more.

Getting lost - and being OK with it

2009-07-01T15:54:00.000+01:00

As Andre Gide said, “Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

Personally, I like to know my next step.

Just the idea of getting lost in a maze makes me feel quite nauseous. Even though I know it's supposed to be good for you (taking yourself off autopilot and trying new routes even to familiar places energises all the senses as we pay more attention to our surroundings).

Think about it, though. We rarely make progress (as individuals or on a larger scale) without allowing ourselves to spend time in uncertainty.

It may be being physically lost or considering applying for a new type of job / leaving a relationship in the belief that you will find someone who's better for you in the future.

Think about your life.

Are their areas you're happy to get lost in?

In which areas does the very idea of being lost make you feel anxious?

How can you shake things up a little? (Not so much to make you feel so uncomfortable that you end up retreating back into your comfort zone but enough to help you glimpse the other options that are out there for you).

Attempting to compete with fictional characters (again)

2009-06-29T19:28:00.000+01:00

I'm still in shock after catching up on some CSIs... Laurence Fishburn's character, Ray, is not only a trainee CSI, but a former Professor of Criminology and Medical Doctor (Barbara Sher, author of What do I do when I want to do everything? would love him!).

And even though the so-called Las Vegas nightshift seem to be on duty in daylight as well as neon, Ray spends the moments he has off work doing pro bono medical work for a free clinic.

And I'd been impressed by Mac (in CSI:NY) with his crazy work hours but apparent daily morning swim in the most beautiful natural pool I've ever seen - wanted to go to New York just to swim there...

If they (fictional as they are) can fit so much into their days, I can certainly make time, every single day, for some meditation.

It always helps me feel better, calmer, more focused, serene and more. Yet I often think "I don't have time!"

What do you wish you could make more time for?

You're the scriptwriter for your own life - how can you make it happen?

Looking for the best in people

2009-06-26T13:59:00.000+01:00

"The most effective way to achieve right relations with any living thing is to look for the best in it, and then help that best into the fullest expression" - J. Allen Boone

Sounds great in theory but it can be pretty challenging, when angry, irritated or hurt by someone, to focus on their good points.

Still, when you succeed, it really does help shift things.

Whether it's someone at home, at work or even an acquaintance, before hurtling down that "Aghhh, and another thing...!" spiral, think about the things they're good at, kind things they've done, times they've made you laugh or helped you out...

How are you training people to treat you?

2009-06-24T18:28:00.000+01:00

Setting boundaries can be hard.

We all want to be liked so can easily ignore people intruding in different ways (expecting free childcare / you to pick up their slack at work / noisy neighbours / people who just won't get off the phone and so on) until it makes you want to scream.

Think about your life right now.

Look at different areas and list all the people who are annoying you. They may be at home, at work or even at the gym but list every annoyance.

What do these people and their treatment of you have in common?

Are you great at setting boundaries for your children but a pushover in the office (or the other way round)?

Are you assertive with strangers but unable to say what you need to the people you love the most? (This is pretty common - the more we care about someone, the more we fear losing them so we hold stuff back).

Think of small steps you can start taking right now to make little changes and build up until you've trained everyone in your life that you're worth treating with respect and kindness.

Will power

2009-06-23T16:31:00.000+01:00

Do you ever plow right ahead, bulldozing anything in your way (including objections you have yourself) in an effort to get things done?

Whether you're ignoring the cold water on your toes and jumping into the icy waters regardless or pushing full steam ahead even though people around you are trying to suggest there may be a better way, taking a moment to check in can save you lots of time and energy.

Getting feedback from other people might bring up possibilities you'd not considered. Even meditating or spending a little time away from your office / laptop / relationships (whichever situation is in danger of being plowed through) can be enough to bring some inspiration.

Think about all your options.

You might reach your goal much faster as well as having a far more enjoyable journey before you get there.

It'll get easier

2009-06-19T10:39:00.000+01:00

"That which we persist in doing becomes easier - not that the nature of the task has changed but an ability to do it has increased" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

When you're learning something or going through any sort of emotional growth spurt, it can feel like it's never going to get easier.

Then, suddenly, you stop having to put so much effort and energy into the smallest steps.

If you're finding something hard right now, take a moment to remember things you've become better at handling in the past.

It might have been starting a new job, learning a new skill or creating a new habit.

If you go back far enough, you'll remember the concentration and persistance it took just to learn how to stand upright and walk (toddlers never give up).

One day you'll find doing what you're doing suddenly feels really easy.

And before you know it, you'll be looking out for your next challenge.

Letting people help

2009-06-15T10:04:00.000+01:00

I (finally) got my bike breaks fixed last week (it had taken longer and longer to slow down and when I tried someone else's, their breaks worked so efficiently, I nearly went over the handlebars).

As it was a matter of getting the bike there by train, I booked it in for a day when I had other meetings fairly nearby.

Unfortunately, when I arrived, they had no record of my week old call making the booking. And they said they couldn't fit it in.

Feeling a little panicked (how could I keep my bike safe in various areas when I'd booked it in over night to avoid this problem) the person asked what was wrong and fixed the breaks for me.

This saved me about £50 on the service fee I'd been braced to pay but I was worried about the bike staying safe.

I popped into a nearby restaurant to grab some food before my next meeting and inexplicably answered a waiter's question with my bike concerns (completely unrelated to what I was eating etc.).

Rather than backing away slowly at my strange ramblings, he offered to keep the bike for me overnight in their locked storage area.

What a star!

I picked it up the next day and still feel hugely grateful (and a bit bewildered) that I expressed my concern so quickly to a complete stranger and they were able and willing to help.

Is there something that's worrying you?

Is it something you could be more open about in case someone completely unexpected can help?

Do people know how to help you?

2009-06-09T16:12:00.001+01:00

I find it hard to ask for help. But I also know that people love helping.

I get a buzz when I'm able to help other people so surely it's selfish to want to deprive others of that buzz by being so self sufficient (I wish) that I never needed any help?

What areas of your life do you find it easy to ask for help? (Delegating at work? Asking friends, family and neighbours for a favour?)

What areas do you find it hard to admit you even contemplate needing help in? (With your kids? A new job? Being back at work after sick leave?)

If you find it really challenging to ask for help, at least be more conscious about the areas you could use more support in.

Contemplate going slow. You don't have to openly ask for help, just let people know what you're thinking about.

For example, if you've been made redundant, rather than telling people you're looking for work, think about the kind of work you'd really enjoy.

Get used to telling people you're looking for a job and would love something involving theatre / with animals / with something to do with travelling.

It's only an extra few words, you're not actually asking anyone for help but you're putting it out there a little more. Who knows, someone you talk to may know of something you'd be perfect for.

However hard you find asking other people, by being as clear as possible about what you'd like (in any given situation, even just with yourself), it will be easier to let some of that support in.

Do you want to be happy?

2009-06-01T12:54:00.000+01:00

"The key to happiness is the decision to be happy" – Marianne Williamson

It can sound simplistic (why would anyone choose not to be happy?) but think about it:

Do you ever hold onto grudges when letting go would make you happier?

Do you ever feel angry when people don't do things the way you think they should do them?

Do you ever feel resentful when someone you've tried to help doesn't even say Thank you?

When someone hurts you, do you ever find it hard to let go and, instead, think about it over and over and over?

There are all sorts of choices that breed misery rather than happiness.

When I remember to choose the reactions that will make me happier, it really does shift things.

Like yesterday. The sun was shining, the birds were singing but rather than enjoying it, I was wishing the neighbours would enjoy summer more quietly!! When I was able to laugh at my control-freakery and accept that we all have different needs, my Sunday became much more relaxing.

Developing patience

2009-05-29T09:19:00.001+01:00

This is for myself as much as anyone else. I'm waiting (impatiently) for a delivery (new laptop - much needed) that should have arrived yesterday.

My reactions to waiting, while getting on with things that needed to be done, were increased stress and anxiety, distrust that it would turn up at all (true in the case of yesterday) and annoyance that several people suggested I could become more patient.

Like everything, it's easy to assume that the way we feel about things is the way everyone else would feel. But apparently, I'm more impatient about things like deliveries (rearranging work schedules to accommodate times given, waiting on hold etc.) than other people in my life claim to be.

What makes you feel most impatient?

Do you have any cures for impatience? (I find a little yoga helps along with doing something quite engrossing so I'm not waiting quite so actively but sometimes, even though I know there are things I can do to help, I just don't feel like it. It's as if I want to feel cross!)

I feel much better about it today than I did yesterday (and know how lucky I am to have such a high class problem. I have everything else I need and am grateful) but would love to hear tips and suggestions that can ease future waiting...

Stop struggling - find more energy

2009-05-26T11:19:00.000+01:00

"Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can cancel completely" - Martha Beck

After the lovely weather of the long weekend, it's rainy and grey outside. Personally, I love the rain but if it makes your heart sink, look for other ways (let's face it, we can never count on the weather) to cheer yourself up.

Look through your diary for the coming few days / weeks and notice your responses as certain things crop up. Is there anything you're especially looking forward to? Notice how just thinking about this makes you feel enthusiastic and energised.

What about the things you're dreading? Does thinking about something you have scheduled but don't want to do drain your energy?

As far as possible, cancel all the things that drain your energy and create more space for the things that help you feel invincible.

I know, I know, we all have certain obligations that can't be cancelled completely. But is there someone who might love doing what you keep procrastinating?

Maybe you can do a swap with someone else in your family or office? (Washing up everyday for vacuuming twice a week? Making some tricky phone calls for a couple of hours' admin?) Perhaps, if you work for yourself, you can barter with someone else or higher someone like a VA (Virtual Assistant).

It will take ongoing time and effort but the more you take control of your schedule so you increase what makes you feel good and decrease the energy drainers, the happier your life will be.

(c) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009

Would you ever withhold your work from the world out of rage?

2009-05-20T15:59:00.000+01:00

This made me laugh so much when I saw Vicky Christina Barcelona. One of the characters wrote poetry but refused to publish them because he hated the world.

I'm laughing now at the very idea.

Still, are there areas where you hold yourself back? Don't share your gifts because you're angry? Or maybe afraid of how they'll be received?

(I realise I still stop singing whenever I think anyone else might be able to hear me. Not because I'm a misanthrope but embarrassment kicks in.)

Think about the way you express yourself, dance, sing, write, paint and so on. Would you like to become a bit bolder?

Build up, step by step...

(c) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009

Loving "Lie to me"

2009-05-18T18:23:00.001+01:00

I learned about "eye accessing cues" while doing my NLP training. Our eyes move differently depending on whether we're creating (lying) or remembering an actual event (telling the truth).

While I found this part of the course interesting, I filed the info away under I'm Unlikely To Actually Need to Put This Into Practice - I couldn't imagine becoming fast enough at it all (especially as most people show it in certain ways but others do it differently) to put it into proper practice.

So I was reassured by Lie to Me (I already adore this show based on the research of real life psychologist and micro-expressions expert Dr Paul Ekman). The father-daughter relationship is especially cringe inducing - can you imagine having a "human lie detector" as a father when you just want to survive your teens?

Although the team spend everyday consulting on various cases / situations where people want to know the truth, they spend a lot of time studying these micro-expressions on a huge screen, pressing pause at incremental steps.

None of the characters are based on real people but I've not been able to stop worrying about the (fictional) one who practices Radical Honesty. How he doesn't get beaten up every day is beyond me - so much of what he says is inappropriate.

Still, it's made me much more conscious of how our actions really do speak much louder than our words.

Enjoy!

(C) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009

Be proud of your past

2009-05-15T11:29:00.001+01:00

I watched The Return of the Killer Tomatoes last night. I'd recorded it assuming I'd give up after a couple of minutes (all I knew was it was one of George Clooney's early roles) but it was unexpectedly hilarious.

I laughed aloud several times (at lines like "That was the bravest thing I've ever seen a vegetable do") and really enjoyed it.

The reason it leaped out from the TV guide was that George Clooney was (gently) mocked for this role in practically every interview I read after he became a star. But rather than dismissing it as something he had to do to pay the rent / feeling victimised by the interviewer, he always seemed proud of his acting roots.

Thinking about your own life, is there a part you'd rather not remember? (For me, it's pretty much everything up until my mid-twenties!)

How can you embrace it as part of what made you who you are today?

(c) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Quick test: Are you an introvert or an extravert?

2009-05-13T13:28:00.000+01:00

If you don't know, imagine you're feeling low on energy.

Would you rather spend time with other people or lock yourself away alone until you can recharge?

Extraverts get energised by spending time with other people. Introverts need that time alone beforehand.

I always thought I was an extravert but, naturally, am introverted. I've been quite surprised by how many of my loved ones are extraverts but knowing this really helps me when I'm feeling frazzled.

By working with your natural tendencies, you can find ways to enjoy the time you spend with other people and alone much more.

(c) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Are your eyes open?

2009-05-11T10:56:00.000+01:00

Watching last week's Brothers and Sisters, when Sally Field's character, Nora, said her eyes are staying open, made me think of the (scary) Group sessions that make up part of my psychosynthesis training.

I need to keep my eyes wide open as I look at myself and my patterns - even when I want to fast forward through something uncomfortable, cover my eyes or just shut them tight.

Is there an area of your life that you've been "turning a blind eye" to? What are you now willing to see? Are there things that you're afraid to look at closely?

Will shielding yourself make these unpleasant aspects go away or are you setting yourself up to have to handle something even messier in the future?

How can you begin to open your eyes to your life - in a way that's appropriate - more?

Is there a friend or someone else who can help you?

No matter what you find, I think it's always better to know what you're dealing with. Even with eyes shut tightly, our imaginations can make things seem even worse.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Keeping your word

2009-05-06T17:03:00.001+01:00

I just interviewed a parenting author who talked a lot about breaking trust with children.

Obviously, ideally, we'd all keep trust not only with children but with everyone we deal with.

Kids call us on things (if we've said we'll do something with them - ice cream, trampolining etc. - they'll hold us to it).

Adults may hide their disappointment better but it will change things. As for ourselves, how many times have you cancelled on yourself ("me time", a lie in / early night or day off)?

How would keeping your word - with yourself as well as the people you deal with - impact on your life?

Notice the things you find hardest to stick to. Maybe it's time to let them go (cross them off your list for good) or adapt them?

(C) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Do something different

2009-05-01T15:48:00.000+01:00

Someone close (not a client) was moaning about not having time to wash the car. I suggested they try a handwash car wash they regularly drive past and they said, "Don't be so ridiculous, I can do it myself."

Seconds later, they asked, "How much?"

It's about £6 and they've now tried it and are delighted with the results.

I hadn't realised but they'd been meaning to wash it for ages. Everytime they walked past / got in, the guilt was there... Exhausting.

Is there anything you've been putting off for ages that could be done by someone else for a small fee you'd be happy to pay?

If you think paying for it is unfathomable, can you just get on with it and do it so you can finally start enjoying your dirty car equivalent?

Do something different. It may make your day (like the person who now plans to upgrade and get a wax and vacuum next time they get the car cleaned professionally).

Or you may realise that just doing whatever it is frees up enough energy to make your day anyway.

(c) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Fast-forwarding through life?

2009-04-29T15:10:00.000+01:00

I love TV. There are so many great shows. I don't watch (what I consider - though others may disagree) trash but I love stuff that's well written, well produced and inspirational.

The downside is that I often find myself feeling inferior to genius fictional characters (Brennan on Bones, Reid on Criminal Minds, Rory on Gilmore Girls, Kitty on Brothers & Sisters (she just happened to accidentally write a bestselling book while on the campaign trail)...)

Another danger is that I sometimes want to fast-forward through boring / scary bits in real life.

Remembering to breathe deeply (whether I'm waiting for someone to stop an exceedingly long sentence or things suddenly feel very unpredicatable and I want to do away with suspense) helps ground me.

It connects me to real life and I'm able to figure out what's unsettling and how to handle that.

Next time you find yourself wanting to fast-forward through real life / delete something, take a moment to connect to the natural world (starting with your breath).

(c) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

The Delightful David Lynch

2009-04-28T12:07:00.000+01:00

Watching him talk about the making of Eraserhead was better than the actual film (which gave me nightmares). (That poor, poor baby.)

David Lynch and Catherine Coulson (aka, The Log Lady from Twin Peaks) remembered how they'd done things over six years to create this weird world.

I loved the way they remembered the money struggles so cheerfully. It must have been bad (Lynch was actually living in the "Henry's room" set for a couple of years - scary!!!).

Yet they remembered people and institutions with fondness (not a bad word was said about anyone). They focused on fun they had creating things, the friendships with cast and crew and long ago eaten donuts and pie.

Is there something you wish you had a bigger budget for right now? (Marketing your business? New clothes? Raising a family?)

How can you have more fun with the enforced creativity smaller budgets demand?

(C) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Running in Heels - the importance of a positive attitude

2009-04-24T12:37:00.000+01:00

I don't normally watch reality TV but am addicted (www.runninginheels.tv) to this. It follows three fashion interns at US Marie Claire.

I encourage my coaching clients to do whatever helps them feel better about themselves so they make bigger impacts when it comes to tackling larger goals. The good, positive, resourceful feelings have a ripple effect.

Research shows that people who feel happy are better at reading people, better at negotiating pay rises and better at spotting opportunities.

And, they get to feel happy, too.

One of the RiH interns is the opposite. Since the first day, almost every shot she's in shows her complaining about the other interns, whinging about her assignments, trying to make things harder for the other interns (by not sharing the odd opportunity) and generally being miserable.

It's possible that they've edited out all her little ray of sunshine moments but I'm finding her the hardest intern to sympathise with.

I wonder if the producers randomly picked one intern to give a worse first assignment to see what would happen.

But it's hard to watch her obsessing about her bad fortune. If she just focused on what she was meant to be doing instead of, e.g. postponing starting her assignment because she's eaten up with jealousy about another intern's (dodgy) approach, she'd prove herself more. It's not life or death stuff. But you can see, to her, it feels like it and it's eating her up.

If you're in a similar situation, thinking about the unfairness of your particular situation rather than marshalling your resources and getting out of it (or asking for help so the kind people around you can offer their support) think about what you can do, right now, to change your mind set.

What helps you feel better instantly? (Listening to a great song? Dancing around for a few minutes? A short run? A little yoga? A cartwheel? Watching or reading a little comedy?)

Even if you don't have room for any of this (at your desk at work, for example), you can take a moment to focus on your breath. This will instantly change your state and help you feel beter.

As your mood improves, you'll be better able to think of ways to ace that next assignment / make amends for that row or whatever has you feeling down.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Enjoying the sunshine

2009-04-22T19:34:00.000+01:00

It's been such a beautiful day here.

I had a meeting this afternoon but we were able to sit outside (boosting our Vitamin D) as we worked and chatted.

I find it much easier to let go of irritations on days like today (which is good as my computer crashed and I could list several other annoyances but even contemplating them puts me in a bad mood).

This reminds me how important it is to focus on the positives.

I love the rain, too, but somehow, all the blue skies and white clouds I saw cycling from meeting to meeting makes everything seem much brighter.

What did you enjoy most about today? Ask yourself this simple question everyday and notice the shift...

(c) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Perfectly imperfect relationships

2009-04-20T15:12:00.000+01:00

I spent the weekend with a roomfull of psychotherapists learning more about couples' counselling for a feature I'm working on. Juliet Grayson was the trainer.

It was brilliant to learn more techniques I can use when I do coaching and NLP with couples.

I've also learned how I can improve my own relationships.

And I've (possibly just temporarily - I don't want to get carried away) taken some of the pressure off myself about trying to be a perfect coach, journalist / writer and psychosynthesis trainee.

In my head (yes, I realise how ridiculous this sounds), I'd been kind of hoping that by the time I got to the end of my training, I'd find all the things I'm happy helping clients with but hate doing myself (e.g. setting boundaries, asserting myself and so on) a breeze.

It's good to be reminded that no relationship is perfect. Perfection doesn't exist.

We just muddle through as best as we can and aim to be more loving and peaceful in all our interactions.

But when things come up that need addressing, it can get messy and that's absolutely fine. It's absolutely normal.

So whatever issues you're worried about in your own relationships - including the way you see yourself - give yourself a break and relax.

Be kind to yourself when you feel vulnerable. This will have a ripple effect on all your interactions and relationships.

(c) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

More tweeting

2009-04-17T15:20:00.000+01:00

I've been drafting and deleting tweets since signing up.

It feels bizarre to be inviting people to "follow" me.

Still, I've figured out how to add the little tools to my websites and hope it will all get easier as I become less self conscious about it.

Makes me think about other areas of my life. How much time and energy do I spend trying to censor myself?

Do you do the same?

What would happen if you said what you felt like saying when you wanted to?

What are you worried about happening?

Guilt free self care

2009-04-14T15:36:00.000+01:00

I was feeling a bit run down last week so booked a hot stone massage for this evening. Now, having had a long weekend mainly off work, I'm arguing with myself about it.

I won't cancel but need to get rid of the guilt I feel about taking an hour (including the bike ride there and back) out when I have so much work to do.

Still, I know that I'll get much more done as a result...

Logically, I know (studies prove it again and again) that the best thing I can do for all areas of my life is to take some time out now and again to recharge.

So why such high resistance when it comes to actually doing it?

What kind of things (massage / exercise / meditation / daydreaming?) make you feel better?

Do you feel guilty about scheduling them in?

Cheryl Richardson, one of my favourite authors, calls it Extreme Self Care.

What can you start todya doing to put your own wellbeing higher on your list of priorities?

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Tweet tweet

2009-04-10T13:21:00.001+01:00

I've just joined Twitter.

Am in the early stages of figuring out how to use it but do feel free to find me (AppleEve) if you'd like to know when blog, website, newsletter and other updates are available.

And if you're tweeting or have some recommendations for me, I'd love to find out more.

And you've won, too!!

2009-04-08T19:24:00.000+01:00

I tape Ellen (along with Oprah and Rachael Ray) everyday.

While I often don't watch them, I like to see who's on.

Ellen makes me laugh so much I usually watch the first little bit with her comedy and her dance. And even though I never normally game show type programmes, I've stopped fastforwarding through her games.

They're the most ridiculous games ever (blindfold musical chairs / awww snap etc.) and to see a 50 year old woman finding them hilarious is, well, hilarious.

What makes me laugh most of all is the fact that the contestants (all grown women) play so hard. They get really competitive.

Yet for as long as I've been watching (the last few weeks), Ellen gives the same prize for second place and sometimes to her audience, too.

I can't imagine people at an office all putting in the same level of effort if they knew no matter what, everyone would earn the same.

But for the sake of bringing more fun into your life, can you think of ways to laugh more each day?

To put your heart and soul into the effort of something (even if the prize isn't really worth it or you'd get the same prize without the effort)?

Personally, I think Ellen likes to reward the contestants' joyful attitudes. I think if someone went through the motions, first place would win a prize but second prize would feel like losing.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2009.

Resilience and a positive attitude

2009-04-06T11:50:00.000+01:00

I'm still feeling quite tearful after seeing Michael J Fox on Rachael Ray.

There's a lot of debate at the moment around luck and talent, mainly about people (understandably) feeling helpless and fearful about redundancies and opportunities.

But Michael has turned what most might see as a very negative situation into inspiration.

Not only for people dealing with Parkinson's but other chronic illnesses, job loss and any kind of adversity.

His bravery is astonishing.

He has kept his sense of humour but is also clearly serious about finding a cure.

No matter how demanding some of my clients might be, I can't imagine how his CEOs at http://www.michaeljfox.org/ feel - he says everytime he sees them, he asks "How's that cure coming?" Pressure!

But also, motivation...

Whatever your situation, research shows that people with a positive attitude are more likely to notice opportunities.

Neuroscience shows that we're better at negotiating when we feel positive, too.

But we're human.

And it wouldn't be natural to bounce back instantaneously - whether from rejection at an audition to losing a job you've held for decades or having a terrifying health diagnosis.

Michael says he kept his own diagnosis quiet for 7 years but when he came out about it, he realised that he was part of a community. He'd been missing out on support but probably wasn't ready to do it any sooner than he did.

Now, though, he says he doesn't have to lecture his kids about things like resilience as he demonstrates these essential qualities by example, on a daily basis.

Don't try to suppress natural reactions like sadness, shock and fear. Be gentle with yourself - whatever you're going through.

And don't be afraid to reach out for support from friends, family, online forums, your GP or whoever might be able to help you.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2009.