"Children smile 400 times a day on average ... adults 15 times. Children laugh 150 times a day ... adults 6 times per day. Children play between 4-6 hours a day ... adults only 20 minutes a day. What's happened "
- Robert Holden from 'Living Wonderfully'
4-6 hours a day playing? Unscheduled time to do whatever they feel like doing?
Can you remember the last time you gave yourself even half an hour to do whatever you felt in the mood to do? No lists, no chores no pressure?
If you can't even imagine it, let your mind wander a little. What would you want to do if you have that amount of time to play, doing whatever you felt like doing (and you'd caught up on all the sleep you've been deprived of and have done everything that needs to be done)...?
How can you schedule more time to play into your life? Remember your school days with morning and afternoon breaks plus lunch? Squeeze some mini breaks into your life and you'll find yourself laughing and smiling much more...
Friday 28 August 2009
Wednesday 26 August 2009
Being true to yourself within all your relationships
A psychotherapist recently described "differentiation" as two people, within a relationship, being able to express their individual truths, even when they knew it wouldn't be popular, without fear.
I guess on a larger scale, it's like a free society, where individuals can protest / express themselves without fear of recrimination.
In relationships and friendships, we can be so keen to be loved for who we are, we try to be who we think the other person wants us to be.
I've been watching Boston Legal and think the friendship between ultra conservative Denny Crane (William Shatner) and his liberal best friend and "fellow flamingo" Alan Shore (James Spader) is one of the best examples I've seen of this. They accept each others (many, many) flaws (e.g. Denny to young, attractive female lawyer: "Do you want a hug?" She flinches and backs away. He shrugs and tries "Can I have a hug?").
They often push each other too far but the friendship means so much to them that you know (also, I've seen the last few episodes ever so know how it ends) they'll always be there for each other.
The shifting power imbalances between men and women, parents and children, bosses and employees, clients and suppliers etc. can make this more challenging but people do manage to express their truths, knowing that whatever the outcome, they'll be OK.
Is there someone you're struggling to express yourself to? What are you afraid might happen if you say, "When you do x, it makes me feel y and I'd rather you stopped"?
How would ___ feel if they knew how much you were holding back?
What's likely to happen if you carry on keeping these feelings to yourself? (Potential emotional explosion? Increased resentment?)
How can you ease into expressing your own truth? (If you're too anxious at first to express it out loud to the person who needs to hear it, at least honour it, and yourself by telling yourself what you're unhappy with.)
Those who love you want what's best for you - even if that means disagreeing or being at odds with them.
Good luck!
I guess on a larger scale, it's like a free society, where individuals can protest / express themselves without fear of recrimination.
In relationships and friendships, we can be so keen to be loved for who we are, we try to be who we think the other person wants us to be.
I've been watching Boston Legal and think the friendship between ultra conservative Denny Crane (William Shatner) and his liberal best friend and "fellow flamingo" Alan Shore (James Spader) is one of the best examples I've seen of this. They accept each others (many, many) flaws (e.g. Denny to young, attractive female lawyer: "Do you want a hug?" She flinches and backs away. He shrugs and tries "Can I have a hug?").
They often push each other too far but the friendship means so much to them that you know (also, I've seen the last few episodes ever so know how it ends) they'll always be there for each other.
The shifting power imbalances between men and women, parents and children, bosses and employees, clients and suppliers etc. can make this more challenging but people do manage to express their truths, knowing that whatever the outcome, they'll be OK.
Is there someone you're struggling to express yourself to? What are you afraid might happen if you say, "When you do x, it makes me feel y and I'd rather you stopped"?
How would ___ feel if they knew how much you were holding back?
What's likely to happen if you carry on keeping these feelings to yourself? (Potential emotional explosion? Increased resentment?)
How can you ease into expressing your own truth? (If you're too anxious at first to express it out loud to the person who needs to hear it, at least honour it, and yourself by telling yourself what you're unhappy with.)
Those who love you want what's best for you - even if that means disagreeing or being at odds with them.
Good luck!
Tuesday 25 August 2009
Are you making decisions based on love or fear?
I keep hearing Marianne Williamson's voice in my head as I ask myself this about my own decisions.
It sounds so simple - making decisions based on love (or, in NLP terms, "towards") will help you feel better than basing everything on fear (or "away from").
Yet fear can easily take over and compress us so we tense and hold on so tightly, we can't even imagine what it is we want. We just know what we don't want.
What kind of decisions do you find easy to base on love?
For example, do you take on clients or jobs because of what Kristen Chenoweth (author of the delightful memoir, A Little Bit Wicked) would call The Fun Factor or is it ALL based around money, benefits and what you worry might happen if you don't?
If you're a parent, do you let your hopes for your children influence your decision making when they want to do something alone or does fear get in the way?
I'm not at all suggesting that fear doesn't have it's place. Often, fear can be a lifesaver when we tune into that instinct that then keeps us safe.
But if more of your decisions are based on what you're afraid of rather than what you love (and what will help you expand as a person), it may be time to rethink things.
Next time you need to make a decision, take a few moments to sit quietly with the options. Just checking in and figuring out which direction is driven by love and which by fear will help you notice patterns and potentially make changes.
It sounds so simple - making decisions based on love (or, in NLP terms, "towards") will help you feel better than basing everything on fear (or "away from").
Yet fear can easily take over and compress us so we tense and hold on so tightly, we can't even imagine what it is we want. We just know what we don't want.
What kind of decisions do you find easy to base on love?
For example, do you take on clients or jobs because of what Kristen Chenoweth (author of the delightful memoir, A Little Bit Wicked) would call The Fun Factor or is it ALL based around money, benefits and what you worry might happen if you don't?
If you're a parent, do you let your hopes for your children influence your decision making when they want to do something alone or does fear get in the way?
I'm not at all suggesting that fear doesn't have it's place. Often, fear can be a lifesaver when we tune into that instinct that then keeps us safe.
But if more of your decisions are based on what you're afraid of rather than what you love (and what will help you expand as a person), it may be time to rethink things.
Next time you need to make a decision, take a few moments to sit quietly with the options. Just checking in and figuring out which direction is driven by love and which by fear will help you notice patterns and potentially make changes.
Monday 10 August 2009
Ridiculous rescues - What kind of situation makes you forget your resourcefulness?
I just had to be rescued.
I'd popped out to feed some neighbours' fish (they're away for a couple of days) and when I went to let myself out, found that the door was locked and wouldn't budge (my hand is still bleeding a little from where I tried to make it open).
The letter box wouldn't open from the inside and all the windows were locked, too, so while I could see some neighbours outside, I couldn't communicate with them.
After about 20 minutes of feeling completely unresourceful - no internet, phone or anything other than what I was wearing - I thought about trying to leap over some fences to eventually reach my own backyard.
I'd have to walk a few blocks round to the front and was worried that I'd then need to scale the fence each time to feed the fish. Fortunately, another neighbour's window was open so I yelled up for help.
I threw the keys over the empty yards (phew - they made it) and she was able to get me out of there.
But it made me think. I was in no danger (apart from my fear of missing deadlines if I didn't get out in time to finish my features) and yet I was in full on panic mode.
All my usual resourcefulness (between the journalism and coaching, I generally feel able to do pretty much anything I set my mind to) had completely vanished.
What kind of situations make you forget your resources?
I'd popped out to feed some neighbours' fish (they're away for a couple of days) and when I went to let myself out, found that the door was locked and wouldn't budge (my hand is still bleeding a little from where I tried to make it open).
The letter box wouldn't open from the inside and all the windows were locked, too, so while I could see some neighbours outside, I couldn't communicate with them.
After about 20 minutes of feeling completely unresourceful - no internet, phone or anything other than what I was wearing - I thought about trying to leap over some fences to eventually reach my own backyard.
I'd have to walk a few blocks round to the front and was worried that I'd then need to scale the fence each time to feed the fish. Fortunately, another neighbour's window was open so I yelled up for help.
I threw the keys over the empty yards (phew - they made it) and she was able to get me out of there.
But it made me think. I was in no danger (apart from my fear of missing deadlines if I didn't get out in time to finish my features) and yet I was in full on panic mode.
All my usual resourcefulness (between the journalism and coaching, I generally feel able to do pretty much anything I set my mind to) had completely vanished.
What kind of situations make you forget your resources?
Friday 7 August 2009
Trying to be your best
I have become addicted to Dollhouse and Bionic Woman.
In Dollhouse, even though the whole premise is completely unethical, there's a small part of me that would love to have new skills downloaded so I could wake up with the ability to do pretty much anything - I'd just want to be in control of the programming.
And I'd also probably be too scared to actually mess with my brain in case something went wrong.
All the "dolls" are good looking and when one is slashed, he says he can't be his best now. The (also slashed) doctor agrees sadly.
I know it's TV but why do so many of us let whatever it is we don't like about our appearances hold us back so much?
Then there's Bionic Woman.
While I can't imagine (though, sure, it's possible I might change my mind) ever risking the knife for the sake of a few wrinkles, there's a small part of me that wonders how close to the front of the line I'd be if I could be made to run faster (I don't run at all, other than for the occassional bus or train), jump higher, hear and see more etc.
These abilities feel far more worthy (though currently impossible - who knew I'd enjoy the SciFi Channel?) of taking a risk (though I imagine I'd still be too scared to risk it).
Still, realising that I envy a fictional character's strength and fitness is part of what motivated me to have a 6am swim this morning (7am yesterday). I know I'll never be bionic fast but swimming makes me feel at my strongest.
And recognising that there is soooo much more I want to learn (though I love the idea of it all being downloaded with minimum effort on my part) has me actively looking for more opportunities to do this.
I also admire Veronica Mars' ability to put the past behind her and deal with whatever life throws at her in an incredibly resourceful way - at just 17.
Which fictional characters can give you clues about the characteristics and skills you'd like to develop in yourself?
In Dollhouse, even though the whole premise is completely unethical, there's a small part of me that would love to have new skills downloaded so I could wake up with the ability to do pretty much anything - I'd just want to be in control of the programming.
And I'd also probably be too scared to actually mess with my brain in case something went wrong.
All the "dolls" are good looking and when one is slashed, he says he can't be his best now. The (also slashed) doctor agrees sadly.
I know it's TV but why do so many of us let whatever it is we don't like about our appearances hold us back so much?
Then there's Bionic Woman.
While I can't imagine (though, sure, it's possible I might change my mind) ever risking the knife for the sake of a few wrinkles, there's a small part of me that wonders how close to the front of the line I'd be if I could be made to run faster (I don't run at all, other than for the occassional bus or train), jump higher, hear and see more etc.
These abilities feel far more worthy (though currently impossible - who knew I'd enjoy the SciFi Channel?) of taking a risk (though I imagine I'd still be too scared to risk it).
Still, realising that I envy a fictional character's strength and fitness is part of what motivated me to have a 6am swim this morning (7am yesterday). I know I'll never be bionic fast but swimming makes me feel at my strongest.
And recognising that there is soooo much more I want to learn (though I love the idea of it all being downloaded with minimum effort on my part) has me actively looking for more opportunities to do this.
I also admire Veronica Mars' ability to put the past behind her and deal with whatever life throws at her in an incredibly resourceful way - at just 17.
Which fictional characters can give you clues about the characteristics and skills you'd like to develop in yourself?
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