Taking stock

Before getting ready to go out tonight, you may want to spend some quiet time taking stock of 2009.

Think about the different areas of your life that are important to you right now (home, finances, family, love, fun, spirituality, work, health, fitness and so on). Make a list of your achievements in each area.

Think also about your (dare I say it?) failures. This is not to make you feel badly about yourself but simply to acknowledge what hasn't worked for you in the past.

What lessons have you learned from them?

Now that you've acknowledged them (just to yourself. You don't need to go over the top), what ideas do you have for doing things differently in 2010?

Learn from the past by acknowledging it - good and bad.

Then party the year away knowing that you can recreate your achievements in 2010 without repeating mistakes.

Happy New Year!

Confidence tips inspired by top TV chefs - Happy 2010

I've been watching a lot of cookery shows over the holidays.

Rachael Ray, Barefoot Contessa, Nigella Lawson, Nigel Slater, Rachel Allen...

They all glow with pride and accomplishment over their delicious looking creations.

They have complete faith that it's all going to turn out perfectly and regularly say things like:

. "Phenomenal"
. "Perfect"
. "How good is THAT?!" and so on.

It's contagious.

In your own life, how often do you talk about your own creations (whether it's food you've prepared or a project at work or even an outfit you've put together for a party) in a positive, compliment-expecting way?

How can you bring some of this "of course whatever I turn my hand to will work out perfectly" attitude to 2010?

Thinking of making the same impossible seeming resolutions again?

Don't lose faith in yourself. If it's a big goal, it may well take a long time to create a new habit around it. (Personally speaking, I'd been repeatedly trying to give up one self-destructive habit for 23 years before finally kicking it this year).

To help motivate you, think of the Indian lorry driver, Ramchandra Das who made the news recently. The 53 year old spent 14 years chipping away at the mountain in Bihar that blocked his house with a hammer.

While I'm no architecht, this sounds like it could have been a pretty risky strategy (if the mountain had collapsed) but all worked out well and Mr Das no longer needs to park several miles from his home.

What will be your mountain in 2010? Is it a big habit you're trying to kick? An enormous goal you still haven't reached?

Don't give up.

The time will pass whether you achieve what you want or not so you might as well start taking those steps that will get you closer to a life you're happier living.

Happy Christmas!

Cool Yule!

So (in this hemisphere) today's the shortest day of the year. Long before Christmas, it was celebrated as a way to encourage light to come back.

As well as tucking into your delicious Yule log (I actually managed to save mine until today this year), you may want to spend some time thinking about the kind of light you want to bring into your life as the days begin to get longer.

Allow yourself to feel the darkness and uncertainty around certain projects / relationships / adventures / money.

Seeds need the darkness of the earth to let them grow and (impatient as we humans can be) we also need downtime to let ourselves just be before we become all active again.

Once you've allowed yourself to feel (or at least acknowledge) your uncertainties, let yourself dream.

What do you want to create in your life this year? What steps will help you get there?

Taking it slow and enjoying the snow

After the usual snow induced Travel Chaos kicked in on my way home last night, I worried I'd be stranded in London all night (Southend trains had been cancelled). Fortunately, I made it home in one piece, though much later than I'd expected.

By the time I was on the penultimate leg of my journey, a rail replacement bus, it was snowing so hard that the driver was crawling along and I realised that when he'd said this would be the last bus, he hadn't been exaggerating.

Once I was within walking distance (albeit very slow - I tore a ligament after falling in snow a few years ago and still feel a bit wary), I began to enjoy it.

It felt like I was the only human around - no other footprints, only a couple of small foxes. I stopped off a couple of times to make snow angels and just took it slow, enjoying the snow.

There's something magical about snow. Even the grimiest streets or a row of dustbins look pretty under its dust.

But when it turns to ice and slush, the streets end up looking worse than ever.

Have you ever had an experience (a holiday / relationship / night out / becoming a parent / anything) that left you feeling like your whole life had changed?

That things you'd never considered suddenly seemed really obvious?

How long did you hold onto the sense of wonder?

When it faded, did you feel worse than you had before as the added iciness and slush combined with reality?

What can you start doing differently today to bring back some of that wonder you had? How can you give the areas of your life you're less happy with a snowy makeover?

It might be as simple as thinking about what you did on that holiday etc. and figuring out how to make time for some of it in your daily life.

What are you afraid of?

We spent a lot of time (on Loud Women, BBC Essex - click here http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/mainframe.shtml?http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/essex.shtml and choose Friday 11/12/09 between noon and 2pm to listen) talking about dentist phobias today.

Lots of people called in with their horror stories.

I realised that even after extensive orthodontic treatment (4 teeth removed and a couple of years with a fixed brace on my top and bottom teeth), countless fillings (I have a very sweet tooth but, thankfully, haven't needed any new fillings for several years - since I started getting regular checks done) and gum surgery (the final step in a root canal treatment turned bad and several visits to the dental hospital while they tried to figure out how to fix things), I don't HATE going to the dentist.

I have a lovely dentist and while I don't enjoy going, I'm not phobic. And considering all the things our teeth and gum health can warn us about, regular visits are important.

I also have regular eye tests and other health checks. Part of me would quite like a full annual MOT like test but this year, having had several blood tests and an ECG along with other check-ups, I'm feeling quite virtuous about heading into the New Year.

That's not to say that I didn't put off the scariest ones for several months.

Before things get completely hectic with Christmas and the holidays, make any outstanding appointments to get whatever you need checked looked at.

It's NOT pleasant but you'll feel so much better when the results come back and you know that, whether it's a condition you need to deal with or a clean bill of health, you are taking responsibility for keeping your body as healthy as possible.

Do you watch your language when you talk to yourself?

One of the Breakthrough confidence coaching sessions I offer is about watching your language when you're alone.

Think about it. When you're ready to head out the door and you catch your reflection in the mirror, are your words and facial expressions friendly or incredibly harsh?

If anyone else were to talk to you like that, you'd quickly stop spending time with them. And yet you probably allow this voice free reign in your head for much of every day.

Watching 30 Rock last night, I was struck by Jack's (Alec Baldwin) self talk compared to Liz (Tina Fey).

Jack (to his reflection): "You're a lion! Take what's yours!"

Liz (to her reflection): "You stupid b****!"

Unfortunately, by the end of the episode, he'd adopted her self loathing approach rather than her ending up feeling better.

Take some time to notice your responses to yourself when you see yourself in the mirror, hear yourself on tape etc. or have any sort of judgement about yourself at all.

How can you encourage yourself to be your best without lacerating every shred of self esteem?

What would you wish for if you could have anything in the world?

OK, so I watched the pilot of Eastwick (an update from the Updike novel and film starring Cher, Susan Sarandon and Michelle Pfieffer) last night.

Their wishes were granted after throwing coins into a fountain and while it all seems very contrived (though enjoyably glossy and escapist fun), it got me thinking.

Wishes seems frivolous. Lazy. Superstitious.

And yet, allowing ourselves to acknowledge what we want as if we could use magic to get it frees up our minds enough to admit things we wouldn't normally allow ourselves to dwell on.

Think about it. If you knew you could have anything in the world, what would you wish for?

World peace?

A cure for AIDS?

An amazing relationship?

Your children's futures to be secure and happy?

Kids?

An amazing book deal?

Business success?

List as many outlandish things as you can think of. Then ask yourself which "wishes" you're prepared to work towards.

What first step can you take today?

Singing in public

I enjoyed being part of Sadie's radio show again today (you can listen by clicking here and choosing Friday, 20th November, noon to 1pm - http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/mainframe.shtml?http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/essex.shtml).

But as well as the topics (whether cheats ever prosper and Jordan in the jungle), I learned that, for a confidence coach, I'm still pretty shy.

Sadie and Lynette (the other guest) burst into song at a moment's notice. I thought about joining in but only eventually coaxed myself to sing in a lower key, harmonies rather than the actual song.

I love singing. When I was a kid, I sang a lot but somehow, lost my voice. In the past year or so (especially since starting to work so much with psychosynthesis), I've been singing much more - on my bike, walking along the street (as long as it's either deserted or so hectic that the roar of traffic etc. will drown me out), in the bath etc. Even at home, I prefer to let rip when I'm pretty sure my neighbours are out (though I am getting a bit braver.)

Is there something you love to do but hold back on? When I want to sing and stop myself, I feel like I'm being physically restrained. Do you ever get that feeling?

Maybe it's when you want to voice a different opinion in a conversation / meeting or you stop yourself dancing even when you love the music... Think about how you hold yourself back and don't express yourself fully.

I'm going to:

1) sing around my home AT LEAST once a day - as loud as I want, no holds barred (I can feel my anxiety levels rise as I type this!)
2) not chicken out next time I want to sing in public
3) stop expecting perfection. I'm no Ella Fitzgerald, Patsy Cline, Linda Perry, Courtney Love or Cerys Matthews (and many more musical heroes) but singing along to them makes me happy and I plan on doing more of it.

What steps are you going to take?

Feel free to email me - I'd love to hear :)

Raise your expectations

"You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them." - Michael Jordan

What do you expect from yourself?

If you're a parent, how do you encourage your kids to be their best?

How can you encourage and coach yourself? Not in a bullying kind of way but how can you use your self knowledge to support and motivate yourself?

What kind of things have you been wary about expecting from yourself?

Why are you talking yourself out of things before even trying?

How can you learn from things that haven't worked out perfectly to make this attempt more likely to succeed?

If it doesn't work out, be gentle with yourself before trying again but don't let yourself - or anyone else - talk you into giving up on yourself by not even trying...

Happy World Kindness Day!

To celebrate, think about the day ahead. Be open to chances to be kind.

Whether it's listening to someone tell a story they've told you a gazillion times before, agreeing to take a couple of tourists' photo, smiling at people in the street, giving up your seat on the train or bus or anything else, think about what you can do today to make the world a little kinder.

Don't forget to be kind to yourself, too.

If someone's trying to help you, don't automatically refuse them. If there are things you haven't done, rather than beat yourself up about it, ask yourself (kindly) what would help you take that next step.

By slowing down just a little, you'll notice all sorts of ways to be a little kinder, accept others' kindess to you and enjoy life more.

A world in which women easily accept compliments

I love Bones (Sky1) for many reasons. One is that it's the only programme I can think of filled with confident women.

On Thursday's episode alone:

. Cam compliment Angela on her work. Angela said, "I know, right?" (reminding me a little of Rachel Weisz's response to a guy on the dancefloor asking her, "Aren't you Cleopatra? Queen of the Nile?" "How observant you are!) in Land Girls).

. Sweets tells Daisy she's brilliant and she replies, "Certainly well above average. OK, brilliant."

And then Bones herself took it to a whole new level when Boothe's boss hopes she's happy with Boothe and told he's the best. Boothe said, "Oh, I don't know about that". Bones said, "I agree. That statement is impossible to quantify since there are no other agents partnered with forensic anthropologists, let alone one with my capabilities."

I'm a confidence coach and still have to force myself to accept compliments on a regular basis.

If you struggle (and it's not just women) to say (and mean) something like, "Why, thank you!" ask yourself why.

Do you disbelieve what the person is telling you?

Do you secretly believe them but worry that you'd look conceited if you acknowledge the fact that you know what they've noticed about yourself?

Men and women, take inspiration from the characters in Bones. Know your strengths and acknowledge them.

Even if, for a while, you simply imagine yourself responding in a different way, practice and you'll get there...

Are you telling yourself the truth about your situation

I (finally) watched Changeling last night. Based on a true story, it's one of the most horrific films I've ever seen (so many nightmare scenarios in it, almost implausible yet true).

But Christine Collins (Angelina Jolie) is also a huge inspiration. She reports her son missing and is told by police she has to wait 24 hours before they can look into it.

Then they find him, 5 months later, only it's not him. She keeps telling them he's not her son (he's shorter and has other big differences) but they say things like "His identity has been confirmed by the best minds in the field of child identification."

She's his mother!!!

I won't give any more away but it's an excellent, if harrowing, film.

While it's unlikely that any of us will face similarly surreal situations, we've all had times when we've known something while others have tried to convince us that we're wrong, purple is green.

It may have been a:

. partner swearing s/he is being honest when you KNOW something is off?

. client promising that overdue payment is on it's way?

. boss insisting all is well with the company you work for and you'll soon be back to staff levels that don't stretch you beyond your limits?

How do you react when you know you're being lied to?

Do you ever lie to yourself? (Trying to pretend things are OK when something has to change?)

Christine Collins stayed true to herself and what she knew to be true in spite of police, doctors and others trying to bully and threaten her into acquiescence.

What can you start doing differently today to face your situation honestly and courageously?

Is it too much for you to handle alone? Who might be able to support you through this?

Let your actions speak louder than your words

Research from New York University shows that talking about goals before you've reached them can actually set you back.

Apparently, chatting about them can make us lazy, as if we've already done the hard work needed to get there.

So next time you want to announce a big goal (from quitting smoking or another bad habit to writing a book / getting a new job / starting a business / moving house), consider keeping it to yourself for just a little while longer.

It's not about staying completely quiet, just let your actions speak louder than your words. Spend that time you might have chattered about it writing chapter after chapter / applying for new jobs / researching the housing market / learning any additional skills for your new business.

Save the bubbly for your launch! You can tell everyone how you did it then.

Happy Hallowe'en

Amongst today's topics were ghoulish ghost stories (I just recently found out that approximately 100,000 women were burned as witches during the Burning Times - horrific), crime and punishment and trick or treaters... (choose noon to 2pm to listen -
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/mainframe.shtml?http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/essex.shtml)

Hoping for a different past?

According to (one of my all time favourite writers and human beings) Martha Beck, "forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a different past".

I'm a big fan of forgiveness, in theory. But in spite of all the logical sayings - like "not forgiving is like drinking poison and hoping someone else will feel the effects" - in practice, it can feel much harder.

Thinking of the things you struggle to forgive, is a part of you hoping for something to actually rewind so you can have had a different past?

How can you make peace with your past (even if you're not ready to even contemplate forgiving someone involved)?

Banishing Bad Moods

Sometimes, it's appropriate to wallow a little, but for those days when you want to snap yourself out of it - http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/fabulous/fab_columnists/562124/bad-moods.html

Superhero Mum - inspiration to us all

I was amazed to read (in The Week, 16/10/09) about an Indian woman, Rinku Rai, who suddenly went into labour in a train toilet. Before she knew what was happening, her newborn baby was sucked through the chute and onto the train tracks.

Like a superhero, Ms Rai leaped from the moving train (having just given birth! Moving train!), ran back down the track and found her baby unharmed.

It sounds like all of this happened so quickly, Ms Rai didn't overthink it. Instinct took over and her happy ending is making people smile around the world.

Think about your own life. While you might not be able to think of as dramatic an example (I certainly can't), can you remember a time when you did something that seemed impossible?

Maybe people were telling you it wasn't worth trying but instead of giving up, you took the steps you needed to take to get there and made it possible?

How can you harness that same self belief today?

What feels too challenging for you right now?

Think of Ms Rai and give yourself permission to use all your resources and make a difference in your own life.

When are you most comfortable with yourself?

“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself." - Mark Twain

If you don't know, start asking yourself on a regular basis. When you find yourself thinking "Now. This feels like me" make a note of what you were doing.

It might have been singing at the top of your lungs in the car or shower, doing something for your kids, getting into a flow state at work, laughing with friends or all of these or something very different.

Make yourself into a research project.

Pay attention to the things that help you feel more comfortable with yourself and schedule them in so this is how you spend as much of your life as possible.

Think about the things that you resist, too. What makes you feel uncomfortable?

How can you shift things so you can minimise the time you spend doing things that go against your core?

Feeling like a fraud

I attended my first Guild of Health Writers event last night. I'd only joined a few months ago and wondered what the Health Writer's Awards would entail.

Rather than being stuffy and formal (though the venue was amazing), it was fun and inspirational.

But I was surprised by how many people I met who all confessed to feeling a bit like a fraud. Even people who write regularly for well respected titles.

Is there an area of your life where you feel a bit out of your depth? Would confessing to others in similar situations help you feel better about it? (Don't do it if they're likely to look at you blankly leaving you feeling worse than ever).

Would learning more about the subject / area you struggle with help you boost your confidence?

Remembering that it's perfectly normal to feel out of your depth - especially when you're doing some kind of growing - can help ease some of that anxiety enabling you to really go for it.

Practicing tolerance

"Everybody is right from their own stand point ... hence the need for tolerance." - www.thoughtfortoday.org.uk

I've been having an imaginary conversation in my head all day, trying to avoid an argument but getting quite riled up as I anticipate this person's actions.

My predictions are based on previous examples so my anxiety about an argument isn't coming from nowhere.

But this little message has made me rethink things. I've gone over (in my imaginary argument with them) my perception of why they do the thing that is causing me problems but even in my head, it sounds judgmental.

So I'm going to attempt to take this advice to heart and:

1) Not jump in anticipating an argument
2) If they do the thing I think they'll do, I'll take a deep breath
3) Then, rather than getting defensive and walking away (I rarely actually argue - just in my head :)), I'll ask them questions to see if I can understand what on earth they're going on about, I mean, to find out how we can reach a compromise where everyone feels heard and valued.

Am quite tired just thinking about it but the anxiety I've been holding in my chest all day has suddenly lifted.

They may even surprise me by considering my perspective without the need for all this!!

How might exercising your tolerance muscles help you in your life?

The confidence to speak out

The founder of V-Day (a movement to end violence against women and girls) has been speaking out for people who don't have a voice for years.

I was fortunate enough to meet her a few years ago and she's one of my all time heros. To have survived so much and then to help so many people...

Here's her piece on the betrayal she felt by directors' etc. support of Roman Polanski's behaviour:

www.huffingtonpost.com/eve-ensler/does-the-brotherhood-of-f_b_305581.html

Personally, I adore David Lynch and Pedro Almadovar but can't believe that anyone would OK the rape of a 13 year old girl because it happened ages ago and he's had a tough life.

Equally, I can't believe how many interviews I read at the height of ER star Noah Wyle's fame which acted as if the fact that he'd lost his virginity to an 18 year old when HE was 13 was something cool.

Boy or girl, 13 is childhood.

I'd love to live in a world where children have the confidence to feel that their voices matter, too. That they can safely say NO to anything that makes them feel remotely uncomfortable and that no one has to give into abuse.

I know it's NOT that world, but part of me feels confident that, by getting predators the help they need (not putting them in places where we know old abuse will be compounded by new) and by keeping children safe or at least letting them know that it wasn't their fault, we can slowly get there.

Being Erica - Would you want to revisit past regrets?

Since hearing about E4's new Canadian drama, Being Erica, I wanted to see it. As a coach and psychotherapy student, I think the idea of listing regrets and being transported back in time so you can have a second chance is a great premise for a TV show.

But as a human, the idea terrifies me. I barely got through my regretful situations the first time. What if things were even worse when reliving them?

Erica's regrets aren't traumas but they're entertainingly cringeworthy to watch from behind a cushion. And so far, although she's spent years haunted by the wish she'd done certain things differently, she seems to be learning that the choices she made were actually right for her.

But it's the "therapist" (magician?) who seems to have the most fun.

He demands complete committment to change, has the ability to move his office around like one of the lands at the top of The Magic Faraway Tree (it pops up all over the place) and doesn't seem to need to earn a living.

Thinking about your own life, are you hung up on certain regrets?

Imagine you could go back and relive certain episodes from your own life? What would you want to do differently?

With that knowledge, how can you approach your life today differently without having to revisit the actual scene?

Shedding leaves, letting go and moving on

When you're feeling impatient and stuck, one of the quickest ways to get yourself out of it is to let go of everything that's holding you back.

Have you got clothes that no longer fit well or suit you? Donate them and enjoy having extra space in your closet (it'll make it much easier to get dressed each morning).

Apparently, in Japan, people leave spaces everywhere - on bookshelves, in closets... after all, if there's no space, things can't flow well and we can get stagnant.

Personally, I'd love to fast forward through the shedding off old skin / leaves phase and be in the sparkly new one.

But I know that, uncomfortable as it may feel at the time, having a good clear out (not just of clothes but habits and patterns of behaviour that no longer work) is a great way to celebrate the end of summer and make room for a great Autumn.

What are you ready to release?

How can you be gentle with yourself as you let go of things that you've perhaps been holding onto for too long?

What will you do to treat yourself when you've made some space in your life?

5 years! Celebrating all mile stones

It was my fifth Business Birthday yesterday but because I've been on Jury Service this week, I started celebrating last week (I make my actual birthday celebrations last at least two weeks).

My business has changed a lot in the past five years but I've learned from every step (and each mistake).

Too often, we hurtle through life without stopping to take stock.

Whether you have a personal mile stone coming up or just a few moments to think about your achievements, take some time to give yourself a pat on the back.

By taking an overview, you'll notice patterns which can help you make better decisions as you move into the future. These are often harder to spot when we're in the thick of things.

Whatever you've accomplished, take some time to celebrate and think Yay You!!!

Cheating hearts - humiliate or simply pack up and leave

One of the things we talked about on Saturday's show (www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/mainframe.shtml?http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/essex.shtml - choose Sadie's show, noon to 2pm) was a man who begged for forgiveness after his infedility was discovered.

His partner agreed to forgive him only if he... well - www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1209451/Cheating-husband-wear-I-cheated-sign-wife.html

I'm all for honesty (and don't understand why so many men and women find it easier to lie than simply tell their partners whatever the truth may be) but not for humiliation.

I find it hard to believe that this man, shamed and humiliated, will be thinking loving thoughts towards his wife.

Why not just leave? Don't they need to address the issues that led to the affair in the first place?

What do you think?

What we can learn from children

"Children smile 400 times a day on average ... adults 15 times. Children laugh 150 times a day ... adults 6 times per day. Children play between 4-6 hours a day ... adults only 20 minutes a day. What's happened "

- Robert Holden from 'Living Wonderfully'

4-6 hours a day playing? Unscheduled time to do whatever they feel like doing?

Can you remember the last time you gave yourself even half an hour to do whatever you felt in the mood to do? No lists, no chores no pressure?

If you can't even imagine it, let your mind wander a little. What would you want to do if you have that amount of time to play, doing whatever you felt like doing (and you'd caught up on all the sleep you've been deprived of and have done everything that needs to be done)...?

How can you schedule more time to play into your life? Remember your school days with morning and afternoon breaks plus lunch? Squeeze some mini breaks into your life and you'll find yourself laughing and smiling much more...

Being true to yourself within all your relationships

A psychotherapist recently described "differentiation" as two people, within a relationship, being able to express their individual truths, even when they knew it wouldn't be popular, without fear.

I guess on a larger scale, it's like a free society, where individuals can protest / express themselves without fear of recrimination.

In relationships and friendships, we can be so keen to be loved for who we are, we try to be who we think the other person wants us to be.

I've been watching Boston Legal and think the friendship between ultra conservative Denny Crane (William Shatner) and his liberal best friend and "fellow flamingo" Alan Shore (James Spader) is one of the best examples I've seen of this. They accept each others (many, many) flaws (e.g. Denny to young, attractive female lawyer: "Do you want a hug?" She flinches and backs away. He shrugs and tries "Can I have a hug?").

They often push each other too far but the friendship means so much to them that you know (also, I've seen the last few episodes ever so know how it ends) they'll always be there for each other.

The shifting power imbalances between men and women, parents and children, bosses and employees, clients and suppliers etc. can make this more challenging but people do manage to express their truths, knowing that whatever the outcome, they'll be OK.

Is there someone you're struggling to express yourself to? What are you afraid might happen if you say, "When you do x, it makes me feel y and I'd rather you stopped"?

How would ___ feel if they knew how much you were holding back?

What's likely to happen if you carry on keeping these feelings to yourself? (Potential emotional explosion? Increased resentment?)

How can you ease into expressing your own truth? (If you're too anxious at first to express it out loud to the person who needs to hear it, at least honour it, and yourself by telling yourself what you're unhappy with.)

Those who love you want what's best for you - even if that means disagreeing or being at odds with them.

Good luck!

Are you making decisions based on love or fear?

I keep hearing Marianne Williamson's voice in my head as I ask myself this about my own decisions.

It sounds so simple - making decisions based on love (or, in NLP terms, "towards") will help you feel better than basing everything on fear (or "away from").

Yet fear can easily take over and compress us so we tense and hold on so tightly, we can't even imagine what it is we want. We just know what we don't want.

What kind of decisions do you find easy to base on love?

For example, do you take on clients or jobs because of what Kristen Chenoweth (author of the delightful memoir, A Little Bit Wicked) would call The Fun Factor or is it ALL based around money, benefits and what you worry might happen if you don't?

If you're a parent, do you let your hopes for your children influence your decision making when they want to do something alone or does fear get in the way?

I'm not at all suggesting that fear doesn't have it's place. Often, fear can be a lifesaver when we tune into that instinct that then keeps us safe.

But if more of your decisions are based on what you're afraid of rather than what you love (and what will help you expand as a person), it may be time to rethink things.

Next time you need to make a decision, take a few moments to sit quietly with the options. Just checking in and figuring out which direction is driven by love and which by fear will help you notice patterns and potentially make changes.

Ridiculous rescues - What kind of situation makes you forget your resourcefulness?

I just had to be rescued.

I'd popped out to feed some neighbours' fish (they're away for a couple of days) and when I went to let myself out, found that the door was locked and wouldn't budge (my hand is still bleeding a little from where I tried to make it open).

The letter box wouldn't open from the inside and all the windows were locked, too, so while I could see some neighbours outside, I couldn't communicate with them.

After about 20 minutes of feeling completely unresourceful - no internet, phone or anything other than what I was wearing - I thought about trying to leap over some fences to eventually reach my own backyard.

I'd have to walk a few blocks round to the front and was worried that I'd then need to scale the fence each time to feed the fish. Fortunately, another neighbour's window was open so I yelled up for help.

I threw the keys over the empty yards (phew - they made it) and she was able to get me out of there.

But it made me think. I was in no danger (apart from my fear of missing deadlines if I didn't get out in time to finish my features) and yet I was in full on panic mode.

All my usual resourcefulness (between the journalism and coaching, I generally feel able to do pretty much anything I set my mind to) had completely vanished.

What kind of situations make you forget your resources?

Trying to be your best

I have become addicted to Dollhouse and Bionic Woman.

In Dollhouse, even though the whole premise is completely unethical, there's a small part of me that would love to have new skills downloaded so I could wake up with the ability to do pretty much anything - I'd just want to be in control of the programming.

And I'd also probably be too scared to actually mess with my brain in case something went wrong.

All the "dolls" are good looking and when one is slashed, he says he can't be his best now. The (also slashed) doctor agrees sadly.

I know it's TV but why do so many of us let whatever it is we don't like about our appearances hold us back so much?

Then there's Bionic Woman.

While I can't imagine (though, sure, it's possible I might change my mind) ever risking the knife for the sake of a few wrinkles, there's a small part of me that wonders how close to the front of the line I'd be if I could be made to run faster (I don't run at all, other than for the occassional bus or train), jump higher, hear and see more etc.

These abilities feel far more worthy (though currently impossible - who knew I'd enjoy the SciFi Channel?) of taking a risk (though I imagine I'd still be too scared to risk it).

Still, realising that I envy a fictional character's strength and fitness is part of what motivated me to have a 6am swim this morning (7am yesterday). I know I'll never be bionic fast but swimming makes me feel at my strongest.

And recognising that there is soooo much more I want to learn (though I love the idea of it all being downloaded with minimum effort on my part) has me actively looking for more opportunities to do this.

I also admire Veronica Mars' ability to put the past behind her and deal with whatever life throws at her in an incredibly resourceful way - at just 17.

Which fictional characters can give you clues about the characteristics and skills you'd like to develop in yourself?

When you look at your schedule, does your heart sink or are you happy?

This is a great time of year to reassess the way you spend your days.

As the old saying goes, "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got".

Think about your life right now.

What are you pleased with?

Where would you like things to improve?

As you look at your schedule for the day / week / month ahead, noticed the feelings that crop up for you.

What tasks and events are you excited about? What energises you just thinking about it?

What drains you as you contemplate the idea of it?

How can you shift things so you do more of the things that help you feel at your best?

How can you delegate the things that fill you resentment?

Take control of your schedule and create a day to day life that will support you in everything you do.

"What you think about me is none of my business" - Elle Macpherson

I came across "What other people think of me is none of my business" years ago and instantly loved it.

But to hear a real (i.e. not fictional) person say it with conviction - especially someone who's lived so long in the public eye - is brilliant.

Is there an area of your life where you pay too much attention to what other people might be thinking about you?

Your choice of partner? What you eat? Where you live? What you choose to wear? Taking a new job or starting your own business?

It's completely natural to care about other people's opinions - after all, our ancestors would have been exiled from the tribe if they stepped out of line. And this would have meant certain death.

But now, we can assert our own choices more freely.

Stop letting thoughts of how other people may or may not be judging you control the way you live your life. No one can shine under that kind of scrutiny.

Easy vegetable soup - Eating well to support yourself

I attended a really interesting event at the College for Naturopathic Medicine last night.

I have a healthy heart (my ECG last week confirmed that) but know that when I'm stressed / in self sabotage mode, I can be prone to turning to sugary and fatty (yummox) foods to make myself feel better.

This can lead to self loathing filled thoughts telling me I'm no good at anything (what we eat really does affect our moods so while this isn't strictly a confidence coaching blog, eating well can definitely help boost yours).

By cooking more in batches, so I can heat up a quick lunch or dinner that will be comforting and nutritious, I'm better able to eat in a way that supports myself. And I get to feel virtuous too.

I'm feeling especially good after being complemented on a soup I made for lunch today. I'm sharing the recipe to show how easy it is (anyone can cook, no matter how much they lack confidence in that area).

When you think of your own nutritional weak spots, rather than just beating yourself up ("I always leave making lunch too late and end up grabbing something unhealthy, expensive and unappealing..."), think of ways you can support yourself more in the future.

Soups and dall really works for me as I've never eaten a salad in my life. If you're more of a salad type soul, prep your favourite leaves and veggies in advance and make it easy for yourself.

Anyway, here's my easy veg soup:

. Chop some leeks (I do this finely as I love the flavour but hate the texture - I have to cook for myself as if I were a hard to please 4 year old sometimes) and soften them in some olive oil.
. Scrub (but don't bother peeling - lots of nutrients in the peel plus it saves time and energy) some potatoes and carrots. I usually go for a ratio of one leek, 2 big potatoes and one carrot but mix it up according to your own tastes).
. Start boiling them in a separate pan.
. Throw in a little wholegrain pasta to add bulk.
. Rinse a can's worth of cannelini beans and add these, too.
. Add some stock. I use Marigold's Swiss Boullion vegetable stock (along with a little nutmeg for wellbeing - I add a little nutmeg to everything from hot chocolate and beans on toast to soups and bakes. Got to have wellbeing...) and mix it all in.
. When the leeks are done, combine the contents of both pans and simmer until it's all so deliciously soft it's easy to mash.
. A few minutes before you're done, throw in some chopped coriander and let this wilt into it.
. Use a potato masher to mash it a bit.
. Serve with wholemeal rolls (or whatever kind of bread you enjoy).

Enjoy as much as you feel like now and keep the rest, in batches, in your fridge (you can also freeze some) for healthy lunches for days to come.

Tuning into your inner wisdom

Even if traditional meditation isn't your thing, you can get similar benefits by doing anything that helps you access a natural flow state.

For some people, it might mean walking in nature or even a favourite art gallery. For others, things like gardening, cooking and other everyday things can help you access your inner wisdom.

Before you start, ask your unconscious mind a question you'd like the answer to.

It might be anything from "What is this situation with ___ trying to teach me?" to "Am I on the right track with ___?"

Then focus on your walk / gardening etc. but notice any signs that crop up.

What do you associate with each one?

Are any of them common (e.g. well known as representing a certain thing or they crop up a lot as a personal sign)?

Trust yourself and enjoy life as it begins to flow that bit more smoothly...

Bloggers unite for human rights

I just came across this and thought it was definitely worth highlighting (http://www.bloggersunite.org/event/bloggers-unite-for-human-rights-2009 for more information).

Most of my work, now, is about wellbeing. Whether it's my journalism / writng or coaching, I'm very lucky to be able to focus on all sorts of things that can help readers and clients (and myself) live better lives, eat better, relate to others more easily and so on.

I know how lucky I am to live in a safe place (I'd started typing "in a safe part of the world" but women, men and children all over the world are unsafe if they suffer abuse in their own homes from the people who are supposed to love and protect them) and to be able to focus now on wellbeing rather than survival, like so many people on the planet.

Over the years, I've had "activist" spurts but it would literally hurt my heart and I burned out a couple of times by trying to do too much when I was younger.

I attended a peace and disarmament conference at the United Nations in Geneva to mark International Women's Day in March 2002. I heard horror stories about "peace keeping" troops raping the women they were supposed to be keeping safe as well as inspirational stories about troops and civilians trying to make the world a safer place for everyone.

My first ever press conference as a freelance journalist was with Eve Ensler (VDay.org founder and playright), Elizabeth Lesser (founder of the Omega Institute), Sally Field, Jane Fonda and several activists risking death on a daily basis to make a difference in their homelands (Africa, Iraq and Afghanistan). At the same conference, I got to meet longtime activist and life saver (or so it felt when I first read everything I could get my hands on by her in my early 20s), Gloria Steinem.

Eve Ensler started VDay because her heart was breaking hearing audience members's tales of survival after performances of The Vagina Monologues. They now fund grassroots organisations around the globe, helping put an end to violence against women and girls.

I've been fortunate to interview people who are making the world a safer, more peaceful place (including Ibrahim Issa from Hope Flowers School in Palestine, Marianne Williamson, Martha Beck and Getrude Matshe) and feel so lucky to get to be inspired as part of my job and, hopefully, raise awareness about these and other amazing people.

But, apart from using my Amnesty and Greenpeace credit cards (a lot), I don't actually do much at all apart from trying to help individuals feel better about themselves.

Is there a way you could become part of the solution? It might be raising funds, volunteering time and skills, writing letters to political prisoners and MPs or something else - give it some thought and trust that you can make a difference.

Check out websites like www.amnesty.org (or others that speak more to you.

And if you have a blog, why not add yours to this day of campaigning?

Could taking a step back from your obstacles could help you overcome them?

I had my first ever Wii experience while babysitting this evening. Computer games have come along way from the ones I remember (Pac Man? Donkey Kong?).

One involved shooting targets, balloons, tin cans, space ships and I was trying to avoid the ducks (I don't eat meat - feel guilty shooting at it on a computer game!).

M said the tin can level was the hardest but I said, "No, the space ships" (they kept kidnapping clones of my avatar and "I" was making scared noises on the screen).

She said, "That's just because you're scared of them!"

And it was true - there was a part of me that felt in danger of annihalation. I was cringing and yeeshing at the screen whereas when M tacked that level, she shot at the spaceships without any emotional attachment / fear.

Is there an area of your life that you're too closely identified with to make the progress you'd like to be seeing?

By taking a step back and reminding yourself that you're not actually in danger, your head will be much clearer and you'll be better able to avoid the problems that crop up day to day.

Connecting with people (Linkedin)

I've just joined Linkedin and, though very new to it, am enjoying connecting with people from my various walks of life.

If you're on Linkedin, you can find me at http://www.linkedin.com/pub/eve-menezes-cunningham/14/702/979

DIY doctoring - Take some time to do an audit

Have been so low on energy lately (including a few instances where I was sleeping for 14 hours and I couldn't do things like go to a party next door, sit upright without feeling faint, stand up and so on) that I went to the doctor.

Assumed it would be anaemia or something (not being a medical professional, I decided to keep my diagnosis to my self) but have been referred for more tests.

Am sure it will all be fine but it made me think about some people I know (my parents) who never go to the doctor.

With my health and with life in general, if I feel something's not right, I'd always rather look into it and find out what I can do to improve things rather than bury my head in the sand (it's very claustrophobic, the sand gets in your eyes and it's impossible to breathe).

Is there something you've been concerned about? Might be your own health? Your performance at work? Your business's security? Your relationship? Your finances?

Pay attention to your concerns. Whether it's nothing to be worried about or a good time to take stock and start doing things in this area differently, once you know what you're dealing with you can take action.

The world is your lab

I love all the CSIs. Especially CSI:NY.

I love it when they go lo-tec and use basic science. It's still beyond me but "proves" that they can find what they're looking for even without all the fancy computers.

I had a bit of a catch up this weekend and in one episode, Stella and Mac were in Greece and declared that the whole world was a lab. They used a fountain for a special kind of water they knew existed because they're magical scientists. Then they located a coffee burner as a heat source and Stella sacrificed a platinum earring to ____ (OK, I tranced out a little then and don't know what chemicals they were using but it was impressive).

In real life, it's easy to get sucked into familiar ways of doing things and not even try to improvise when things get a little off track.

But finding ways to turn the world into your lab - somewhere you can experiment with different approaches to problems until you find a strategy that works better - can help you shift things.

You don't have to start with something high risk and scary but if, for example, you're trying to become more assertive, rather than jumping in with your boss / partner / whoever you have the most issues with, start small. Experiment with writing a complaint letter or email in a way that enables a company that's let you down to respond in a way that allows everyone to win.

If you're trying to pluck up the courage to ask someone out after being single / in a relationship for ages, practice saying a simple Hello to people you normally wouldn't engage with (a chat at the checkout counter when shopping? Starting a conversation with a stranger at the bus stop)...

There are all sorts of ways you can experiment more.

Getting lost - and being OK with it

As Andre Gide said, “Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

Personally, I like to know my next step.

Just the idea of getting lost in a maze makes me feel quite nauseous. Even though I know it's supposed to be good for you (taking yourself off autopilot and trying new routes even to familiar places energises all the senses as we pay more attention to our surroundings).

Think about it, though. We rarely make progress (as individuals or on a larger scale) without allowing ourselves to spend time in uncertainty.

It may be being physically lost or considering applying for a new type of job / leaving a relationship in the belief that you will find someone who's better for you in the future.

Think about your life.

Are their areas you're happy to get lost in?

In which areas does the very idea of being lost make you feel anxious?

How can you shake things up a little? (Not so much to make you feel so uncomfortable that you end up retreating back into your comfort zone but enough to help you glimpse the other options that are out there for you).

Attempting to compete with fictional characters (again)

I'm still in shock after catching up on some CSIs... Laurence Fishburn's character, Ray, is not only a trainee CSI, but a former Professor of Criminology and Medical Doctor (Barbara Sher, author of What do I do when I want to do everything? would love him!).

And even though the so-called Las Vegas nightshift seem to be on duty in daylight as well as neon, Ray spends the moments he has off work doing pro bono medical work for a free clinic.

And I'd been impressed by Mac (in CSI:NY) with his crazy work hours but apparent daily morning swim in the most beautiful natural pool I've ever seen - wanted to go to New York just to swim there...

If they (fictional as they are) can fit so much into their days, I can certainly make time, every single day, for some meditation.

It always helps me feel better, calmer, more focused, serene and more. Yet I often think "I don't have time!"

What do you wish you could make more time for?

You're the scriptwriter for your own life - how can you make it happen?

Looking for the best in people

"The most effective way to achieve right relations with any living thing is to look for the best in it, and then help that best into the fullest expression" - J. Allen Boone

Sounds great in theory but it can be pretty challenging, when angry, irritated or hurt by someone, to focus on their good points.

Still, when you succeed, it really does help shift things.

Whether it's someone at home, at work or even an acquaintance, before hurtling down that "Aghhh, and another thing...!" spiral, think about the things they're good at, kind things they've done, times they've made you laugh or helped you out...

How are you training people to treat you?

Setting boundaries can be hard.

We all want to be liked so can easily ignore people intruding in different ways (expecting free childcare / you to pick up their slack at work / noisy neighbours / people who just won't get off the phone and so on) until it makes you want to scream.

Think about your life right now.

Look at different areas and list all the people who are annoying you. They may be at home, at work or even at the gym but list every annoyance.

What do these people and their treatment of you have in common?

Are you great at setting boundaries for your children but a pushover in the office (or the other way round)?

Are you assertive with strangers but unable to say what you need to the people you love the most? (This is pretty common - the more we care about someone, the more we fear losing them so we hold stuff back).

Think of small steps you can start taking right now to make little changes and build up until you've trained everyone in your life that you're worth treating with respect and kindness.

Will power

Do you ever plow right ahead, bulldozing anything in your way (including objections you have yourself) in an effort to get things done?

Whether you're ignoring the cold water on your toes and jumping into the icy waters regardless or pushing full steam ahead even though people around you are trying to suggest there may be a better way, taking a moment to check in can save you lots of time and energy.

Getting feedback from other people might bring up possibilities you'd not considered. Even meditating or spending a little time away from your office / laptop / relationships (whichever situation is in danger of being plowed through) can be enough to bring some inspiration.

Think about all your options.

You might reach your goal much faster as well as having a far more enjoyable journey before you get there.

It'll get easier

"That which we persist in doing becomes easier - not that the nature of the task has changed but an ability to do it has increased" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

When you're learning something or going through any sort of emotional growth spurt, it can feel like it's never going to get easier.

Then, suddenly, you stop having to put so much effort and energy into the smallest steps.

If you're finding something hard right now, take a moment to remember things you've become better at handling in the past.

It might have been starting a new job, learning a new skill or creating a new habit.

If you go back far enough, you'll remember the concentration and persistance it took just to learn how to stand upright and walk (toddlers never give up).

One day you'll find doing what you're doing suddenly feels really easy.

And before you know it, you'll be looking out for your next challenge.

Letting people help

I (finally) got my bike breaks fixed last week (it had taken longer and longer to slow down and when I tried someone else's, their breaks worked so efficiently, I nearly went over the handlebars).

As it was a matter of getting the bike there by train, I booked it in for a day when I had other meetings fairly nearby.

Unfortunately, when I arrived, they had no record of my week old call making the booking. And they said they couldn't fit it in.

Feeling a little panicked (how could I keep my bike safe in various areas when I'd booked it in over night to avoid this problem) the person asked what was wrong and fixed the breaks for me.

This saved me about £50 on the service fee I'd been braced to pay but I was worried about the bike staying safe.

I popped into a nearby restaurant to grab some food before my next meeting and inexplicably answered a waiter's question with my bike concerns (completely unrelated to what I was eating etc.).

Rather than backing away slowly at my strange ramblings, he offered to keep the bike for me overnight in their locked storage area.

What a star!

I picked it up the next day and still feel hugely grateful (and a bit bewildered) that I expressed my concern so quickly to a complete stranger and they were able and willing to help.

Is there something that's worrying you?

Is it something you could be more open about in case someone completely unexpected can help?

Do people know how to help you?

I find it hard to ask for help. But I also know that people love helping.

I get a buzz when I'm able to help other people so surely it's selfish to want to deprive others of that buzz by being so self sufficient (I wish) that I never needed any help?

What areas of your life do you find it easy to ask for help? (Delegating at work? Asking friends, family and neighbours for a favour?)

What areas do you find it hard to admit you even contemplate needing help in? (With your kids? A new job? Being back at work after sick leave?)

If you find it really challenging to ask for help, at least be more conscious about the areas you could use more support in.

Contemplate going slow. You don't have to openly ask for help, just let people know what you're thinking about.

For example, if you've been made redundant, rather than telling people you're looking for work, think about the kind of work you'd really enjoy.

Get used to telling people you're looking for a job and would love something involving theatre / with animals / with something to do with travelling.

It's only an extra few words, you're not actually asking anyone for help but you're putting it out there a little more. Who knows, someone you talk to may know of something you'd be perfect for.

However hard you find asking other people, by being as clear as possible about what you'd like (in any given situation, even just with yourself), it will be easier to let some of that support in.

Do you want to be happy?

"The key to happiness is the decision to be happy" – Marianne Williamson

It can sound simplistic (why would anyone choose not to be happy?) but think about it:

Do you ever hold onto grudges when letting go would make you happier?

Do you ever feel angry when people don't do things the way you think they should do them?

Do you ever feel resentful when someone you've tried to help doesn't even say Thank you?

When someone hurts you, do you ever find it hard to let go and, instead, think about it over and over and over?

There are all sorts of choices that breed misery rather than happiness.

When I remember to choose the reactions that will make me happier, it really does shift things.

Like yesterday. The sun was shining, the birds were singing but rather than enjoying it, I was wishing the neighbours would enjoy summer more quietly!! When I was able to laugh at my control-freakery and accept that we all have different needs, my Sunday became much more relaxing.

Developing patience

This is for myself as much as anyone else. I'm waiting (impatiently) for a delivery (new laptop - much needed) that should have arrived yesterday.

My reactions to waiting, while getting on with things that needed to be done, were increased stress and anxiety, distrust that it would turn up at all (true in the case of yesterday) and annoyance that several people suggested I could become more patient.

Like everything, it's easy to assume that the way we feel about things is the way everyone else would feel. But apparently, I'm more impatient about things like deliveries (rearranging work schedules to accommodate times given, waiting on hold etc.) than other people in my life claim to be.

What makes you feel most impatient?

Do you have any cures for impatience? (I find a little yoga helps along with doing something quite engrossing so I'm not waiting quite so actively but sometimes, even though I know there are things I can do to help, I just don't feel like it. It's as if I want to feel cross!)

I feel much better about it today than I did yesterday (and know how lucky I am to have such a high class problem. I have everything else I need and am grateful) but would love to hear tips and suggestions that can ease future waiting...

Stop struggling - find more energy

"Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can cancel completely" - Martha Beck

After the lovely weather of the long weekend, it's rainy and grey outside. Personally, I love the rain but if it makes your heart sink, look for other ways (let's face it, we can never count on the weather) to cheer yourself up.

Look through your diary for the coming few days / weeks and notice your responses as certain things crop up. Is there anything you're especially looking forward to? Notice how just thinking about this makes you feel enthusiastic and energised.

What about the things you're dreading? Does thinking about something you have scheduled but don't want to do drain your energy?

As far as possible, cancel all the things that drain your energy and create more space for the things that help you feel invincible.

I know, I know, we all have certain obligations that can't be cancelled completely. But is there someone who might love doing what you keep procrastinating?

Maybe you can do a swap with someone else in your family or office? (Washing up everyday for vacuuming twice a week? Making some tricky phone calls for a couple of hours' admin?) Perhaps, if you work for yourself, you can barter with someone else or higher someone like a VA (Virtual Assistant).

It will take ongoing time and effort but the more you take control of your schedule so you increase what makes you feel good and decrease the energy drainers, the happier your life will be.

(c) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009

Would you ever withhold your work from the world out of rage?

This made me laugh so much when I saw Vicky Christina Barcelona. One of the characters wrote poetry but refused to publish them because he hated the world.

I'm laughing now at the very idea.

Still, are there areas where you hold yourself back? Don't share your gifts because you're angry? Or maybe afraid of how they'll be received?

(I realise I still stop singing whenever I think anyone else might be able to hear me. Not because I'm a misanthrope but embarrassment kicks in.)

Think about the way you express yourself, dance, sing, write, paint and so on. Would you like to become a bit bolder?

Build up, step by step...

(c) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009

Loving "Lie to me"

I learned about "eye accessing cues" while doing my NLP training. Our eyes move differently depending on whether we're creating (lying) or remembering an actual event (telling the truth).

While I found this part of the course interesting, I filed the info away under I'm Unlikely To Actually Need to Put This Into Practice - I couldn't imagine becoming fast enough at it all (especially as most people show it in certain ways but others do it differently) to put it into proper practice.

So I was reassured by Lie to Me (I already adore this show based on the research of real life psychologist and micro-expressions expert Dr Paul Ekman). The father-daughter relationship is especially cringe inducing - can you imagine having a "human lie detector" as a father when you just want to survive your teens?

Although the team spend everyday consulting on various cases / situations where people want to know the truth, they spend a lot of time studying these micro-expressions on a huge screen, pressing pause at incremental steps.

None of the characters are based on real people but I've not been able to stop worrying about the (fictional) one who practices Radical Honesty. How he doesn't get beaten up every day is beyond me - so much of what he says is inappropriate.

Still, it's made me much more conscious of how our actions really do speak much louder than our words.

Enjoy!

(C) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009

Be proud of your past

I watched The Return of the Killer Tomatoes last night. I'd recorded it assuming I'd give up after a couple of minutes (all I knew was it was one of George Clooney's early roles) but it was unexpectedly hilarious.

I laughed aloud several times (at lines like "That was the bravest thing I've ever seen a vegetable do") and really enjoyed it.

The reason it leaped out from the TV guide was that George Clooney was (gently) mocked for this role in practically every interview I read after he became a star. But rather than dismissing it as something he had to do to pay the rent / feeling victimised by the interviewer, he always seemed proud of his acting roots.

Thinking about your own life, is there a part you'd rather not remember? (For me, it's pretty much everything up until my mid-twenties!)

How can you embrace it as part of what made you who you are today?

(c) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Quick test: Are you an introvert or an extravert?

If you don't know, imagine you're feeling low on energy.

Would you rather spend time with other people or lock yourself away alone until you can recharge?

Extraverts get energised by spending time with other people. Introverts need that time alone beforehand.

I always thought I was an extravert but, naturally, am introverted. I've been quite surprised by how many of my loved ones are extraverts but knowing this really helps me when I'm feeling frazzled.

By working with your natural tendencies, you can find ways to enjoy the time you spend with other people and alone much more.

(c) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Are your eyes open?

Watching last week's Brothers and Sisters, when Sally Field's character, Nora, said her eyes are staying open, made me think of the (scary) Group sessions that make up part of my psychosynthesis training.

I need to keep my eyes wide open as I look at myself and my patterns - even when I want to fast forward through something uncomfortable, cover my eyes or just shut them tight.

Is there an area of your life that you've been "turning a blind eye" to? What are you now willing to see? Are there things that you're afraid to look at closely?

Will shielding yourself make these unpleasant aspects go away or are you setting yourself up to have to handle something even messier in the future?

How can you begin to open your eyes to your life - in a way that's appropriate - more?

Is there a friend or someone else who can help you?

No matter what you find, I think it's always better to know what you're dealing with. Even with eyes shut tightly, our imaginations can make things seem even worse.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Keeping your word

I just interviewed a parenting author who talked a lot about breaking trust with children.

Obviously, ideally, we'd all keep trust not only with children but with everyone we deal with.

Kids call us on things (if we've said we'll do something with them - ice cream, trampolining etc. - they'll hold us to it).

Adults may hide their disappointment better but it will change things. As for ourselves, how many times have you cancelled on yourself ("me time", a lie in / early night or day off)?

How would keeping your word - with yourself as well as the people you deal with - impact on your life?

Notice the things you find hardest to stick to. Maybe it's time to let them go (cross them off your list for good) or adapt them?

(C) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Do something different

Someone close (not a client) was moaning about not having time to wash the car. I suggested they try a handwash car wash they regularly drive past and they said, "Don't be so ridiculous, I can do it myself."

Seconds later, they asked, "How much?"

It's about £6 and they've now tried it and are delighted with the results.

I hadn't realised but they'd been meaning to wash it for ages. Everytime they walked past / got in, the guilt was there... Exhausting.

Is there anything you've been putting off for ages that could be done by someone else for a small fee you'd be happy to pay?

If you think paying for it is unfathomable, can you just get on with it and do it so you can finally start enjoying your dirty car equivalent?

Do something different. It may make your day (like the person who now plans to upgrade and get a wax and vacuum next time they get the car cleaned professionally).

Or you may realise that just doing whatever it is frees up enough energy to make your day anyway.

(c) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Fast-forwarding through life?

I love TV. There are so many great shows. I don't watch (what I consider - though others may disagree) trash but I love stuff that's well written, well produced and inspirational.

The downside is that I often find myself feeling inferior to genius fictional characters (Brennan on Bones, Reid on Criminal Minds, Rory on Gilmore Girls, Kitty on Brothers & Sisters (she just happened to accidentally write a bestselling book while on the campaign trail)...)

Another danger is that I sometimes want to fast-forward through boring / scary bits in real life.

Remembering to breathe deeply (whether I'm waiting for someone to stop an exceedingly long sentence or things suddenly feel very unpredicatable and I want to do away with suspense) helps ground me.

It connects me to real life and I'm able to figure out what's unsettling and how to handle that.

Next time you find yourself wanting to fast-forward through real life / delete something, take a moment to connect to the natural world (starting with your breath).

(c) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

The Delightful David Lynch

Watching him talk about the making of Eraserhead was better than the actual film (which gave me nightmares). (That poor, poor baby.)

David Lynch and Catherine Coulson (aka, The Log Lady from Twin Peaks) remembered how they'd done things over six years to create this weird world.

I loved the way they remembered the money struggles so cheerfully. It must have been bad (Lynch was actually living in the "Henry's room" set for a couple of years - scary!!!).

Yet they remembered people and institutions with fondness (not a bad word was said about anyone). They focused on fun they had creating things, the friendships with cast and crew and long ago eaten donuts and pie.

Is there something you wish you had a bigger budget for right now? (Marketing your business? New clothes? Raising a family?)

How can you have more fun with the enforced creativity smaller budgets demand?

(C) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Running in Heels - the importance of a positive attitude

I don't normally watch reality TV but am addicted (www.runninginheels.tv) to this. It follows three fashion interns at US Marie Claire.

I encourage my coaching clients to do whatever helps them feel better about themselves so they make bigger impacts when it comes to tackling larger goals. The good, positive, resourceful feelings have a ripple effect.

Research shows that people who feel happy are better at reading people, better at negotiating pay rises and better at spotting opportunities.

And, they get to feel happy, too.

One of the RiH interns is the opposite. Since the first day, almost every shot she's in shows her complaining about the other interns, whinging about her assignments, trying to make things harder for the other interns (by not sharing the odd opportunity) and generally being miserable.

It's possible that they've edited out all her little ray of sunshine moments but I'm finding her the hardest intern to sympathise with.

I wonder if the producers randomly picked one intern to give a worse first assignment to see what would happen.

But it's hard to watch her obsessing about her bad fortune. If she just focused on what she was meant to be doing instead of, e.g. postponing starting her assignment because she's eaten up with jealousy about another intern's (dodgy) approach, she'd prove herself more. It's not life or death stuff. But you can see, to her, it feels like it and it's eating her up.

If you're in a similar situation, thinking about the unfairness of your particular situation rather than marshalling your resources and getting out of it (or asking for help so the kind people around you can offer their support) think about what you can do, right now, to change your mind set.

What helps you feel better instantly? (Listening to a great song? Dancing around for a few minutes? A short run? A little yoga? A cartwheel? Watching or reading a little comedy?)

Even if you don't have room for any of this (at your desk at work, for example), you can take a moment to focus on your breath. This will instantly change your state and help you feel beter.

As your mood improves, you'll be better able to think of ways to ace that next assignment / make amends for that row or whatever has you feeling down.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Enjoying the sunshine

It's been such a beautiful day here.

I had a meeting this afternoon but we were able to sit outside (boosting our Vitamin D) as we worked and chatted.

I find it much easier to let go of irritations on days like today (which is good as my computer crashed and I could list several other annoyances but even contemplating them puts me in a bad mood).

This reminds me how important it is to focus on the positives.

I love the rain, too, but somehow, all the blue skies and white clouds I saw cycling from meeting to meeting makes everything seem much brighter.

What did you enjoy most about today? Ask yourself this simple question everyday and notice the shift...

(c) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Perfectly imperfect relationships

I spent the weekend with a roomfull of psychotherapists learning more about couples' counselling for a feature I'm working on. Juliet Grayson was the trainer.

It was brilliant to learn more techniques I can use when I do coaching and NLP with couples.

I've also learned how I can improve my own relationships.

And I've (possibly just temporarily - I don't want to get carried away) taken some of the pressure off myself about trying to be a perfect coach, journalist / writer and psychosynthesis trainee.

In my head (yes, I realise how ridiculous this sounds), I'd been kind of hoping that by the time I got to the end of my training, I'd find all the things I'm happy helping clients with but hate doing myself (e.g. setting boundaries, asserting myself and so on) a breeze.

It's good to be reminded that no relationship is perfect. Perfection doesn't exist.

We just muddle through as best as we can and aim to be more loving and peaceful in all our interactions.

But when things come up that need addressing, it can get messy and that's absolutely fine. It's absolutely normal.

So whatever issues you're worried about in your own relationships - including the way you see yourself - give yourself a break and relax.

Be kind to yourself when you feel vulnerable. This will have a ripple effect on all your interactions and relationships.

(c) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

More tweeting

I've been drafting and deleting tweets since signing up.

It feels bizarre to be inviting people to "follow" me.

Still, I've figured out how to add the little tools to my websites and hope it will all get easier as I become less self conscious about it.

Makes me think about other areas of my life. How much time and energy do I spend trying to censor myself?

Do you do the same?

What would happen if you said what you felt like saying when you wanted to?

What are you worried about happening?

Guilt free self care

I was feeling a bit run down last week so booked a hot stone massage for this evening. Now, having had a long weekend mainly off work, I'm arguing with myself about it.

I won't cancel but need to get rid of the guilt I feel about taking an hour (including the bike ride there and back) out when I have so much work to do.

Still, I know that I'll get much more done as a result...

Logically, I know (studies prove it again and again) that the best thing I can do for all areas of my life is to take some time out now and again to recharge.

So why such high resistance when it comes to actually doing it?

What kind of things (massage / exercise / meditation / daydreaming?) make you feel better?

Do you feel guilty about scheduling them in?

Cheryl Richardson, one of my favourite authors, calls it Extreme Self Care.

What can you start todya doing to put your own wellbeing higher on your list of priorities?

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Tweet tweet

I've just joined Twitter.

Am in the early stages of figuring out how to use it but do feel free to find me (AppleEve) if you'd like to know when blog, website, newsletter and other updates are available.

And if you're tweeting or have some recommendations for me, I'd love to find out more.

And you've won, too!!

I tape Ellen (along with Oprah and Rachael Ray) everyday.

While I often don't watch them, I like to see who's on.

Ellen makes me laugh so much I usually watch the first little bit with her comedy and her dance. And even though I never normally game show type programmes, I've stopped fastforwarding through her games.

They're the most ridiculous games ever (blindfold musical chairs / awww snap etc.) and to see a 50 year old woman finding them hilarious is, well, hilarious.

What makes me laugh most of all is the fact that the contestants (all grown women) play so hard. They get really competitive.

Yet for as long as I've been watching (the last few weeks), Ellen gives the same prize for second place and sometimes to her audience, too.

I can't imagine people at an office all putting in the same level of effort if they knew no matter what, everyone would earn the same.

But for the sake of bringing more fun into your life, can you think of ways to laugh more each day?

To put your heart and soul into the effort of something (even if the prize isn't really worth it or you'd get the same prize without the effort)?

Personally, I think Ellen likes to reward the contestants' joyful attitudes. I think if someone went through the motions, first place would win a prize but second prize would feel like losing.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2009.

Resilience and a positive attitude

I'm still feeling quite tearful after seeing Michael J Fox on Rachael Ray.

There's a lot of debate at the moment around luck and talent, mainly about people (understandably) feeling helpless and fearful about redundancies and opportunities.

But Michael has turned what most might see as a very negative situation into inspiration.

Not only for people dealing with Parkinson's but other chronic illnesses, job loss and any kind of adversity.

His bravery is astonishing.

He has kept his sense of humour but is also clearly serious about finding a cure.

No matter how demanding some of my clients might be, I can't imagine how his CEOs at http://www.michaeljfox.org/ feel - he says everytime he sees them, he asks "How's that cure coming?" Pressure!

But also, motivation...

Whatever your situation, research shows that people with a positive attitude are more likely to notice opportunities.

Neuroscience shows that we're better at negotiating when we feel positive, too.

But we're human.

And it wouldn't be natural to bounce back instantaneously - whether from rejection at an audition to losing a job you've held for decades or having a terrifying health diagnosis.

Michael says he kept his own diagnosis quiet for 7 years but when he came out about it, he realised that he was part of a community. He'd been missing out on support but probably wasn't ready to do it any sooner than he did.

Now, though, he says he doesn't have to lecture his kids about things like resilience as he demonstrates these essential qualities by example, on a daily basis.

Don't try to suppress natural reactions like sadness, shock and fear. Be gentle with yourself - whatever you're going through.

And don't be afraid to reach out for support from friends, family, online forums, your GP or whoever might be able to help you.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2009.

Who can sponsor you?

I heard about a couple of women (on Rachael Ray's show) who lost hundreds of pounds by asking their friends and families to sponsor them.

Not in a financial way but for general support. Some helped them by exercising with them, others helped them eat better. One offered to shave his head when she reached a certain weight, another to buy her a dress. Another friend offered a free haircut and so on.

The point is, these women got their loved ones on board.

It's not just about weight loss. Whatever your goal (to write a book / run a marathon / retrain for a new profession / clear debt or save up for something), allow your loved ones to help you get there.

Whether it's encouraging phone calls or practical support, they'll keep you accountable. And when you feel loved and supported, you'll be able to push that much harder...

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2009.

Accessing support wherever you can

I was delighted (and slightly mortified) that some of my favourite jokes were included in a recent piece I wrote for Rapport about the health benefits of laughter:

http://www.articlesbyevemenezescunningham.co.uk/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/rapportapositiveapproachtoyourhealth.pdf

They are especially bad but never fail to amuse me. I forwarded the piece onto a friend who shares my sense of humour (we've often joked about how hilarious - for us, as opposed to audiences - it would be if we did a comedy tour) and even showed my mum.

Her instant reaction? "Oh God, you're not serious!"

But generally, she's very supportive. Who in your life shows support no matter what you're doing?

I've been talking to several people recently who find their biggest achievements ignored by nearest and dearest while things they can do in their sleep are feted.

Pay attention to the support you're getting. Is it right for you? How can you be more supportive of your loved ones, too?

You can read other wellbeing and personal development related features at www.articlesbyevemenezescunningham.co.uk

(c) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

A window into a different world

If the array of women's magazines on the newshelves confuse you, imagine seeing a selection of women's magazines dating back to the 1700s...

I'd been meaning to go to this exhibition for months and finally made it yesterday.

I love magazines but filter out all the things I don't like about them. To see the way they've evolved over the centuries was pretty amazing.

Some had free gifts like "3 skeins of wool", another offered a pattern for the must have cape of the year and my friend said she'd read something about how to fix the handle on your well-pail (for drawing water?)

But even the more recent examples felt dated and alien. I picked up a copy of Company from 1982 and it was more like an academic journal than a women's magazine.

In most of the mags, text font sizes were tiny and all in mono (while some advertisers went the whole hog with colour).

I can't imagine modern readers forking out money for them today yet the journalism seemed very interesting.

As far as advice goes (being told what to eat, wear, say, do and so on), it turns out that until the 1850s, they shrank from focusing on fashion and beauty because (how amazing is this) women shouldn't be judged on the way we look.

For more information, visit
http://www.londonmet.ac.uk/thewomenslibrary/whats-on/exhibitions/betweenthecovers.cfm

Definintely worth checking out.

It also makes me wonder what future generations will make of the world reflected back to us in modern magazines.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Breathe

I feel like I've barely paused for breath since landing back home last week.

As well as having lots of work (brilliant but hectic), I had my psychotherapy training course this weekend.

The more I was doing, the less (naturally) I was getting done.

And then I remembered. Stop (or even just pause) and breathe.

Even when you don't have time to do a full meditation, you can take a moment (or a few) to just check in with yourself.

How are you feeling?

What sensations are you aware of?

Are you holding onto any tension in your body?

Breathe in and out and, very quickly, you will feel sooooo much better.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Holiday

I'm nearly sorted for Kenya now. Can't believe how quickly it's come around.

Sometimes, the preparation for time out of the office (not to mention prepping for all the things I'll need while away) seems overwhelming but I know it'll be worth it.

This blog will return when I get back in a few weeks.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

How do other people see you?

Yesterday, it seemed that everything I watched on TV had something to do with impersonations.

When Tina Fey was interviewed by Oprah about her infamous Sarah Palin impressions on Saturday Night Live she made it clear that she didn't want to be mean spirited about it (Palin was a good sport in going on SNL and some people worried that the impressions were actually boosting her ratings).

I almost cried with laughter watching Hilary Swank on Ellen. She bounded out and instead of greeting the host, she pretended to be the host. Sporting an Ellen-like hair cut from a film role (Amelia Earhart), she'd dressed as Ellen for Hallowe'en (we see it later in the UK). She bounded out and did the Ellen dance and the Ellen wave.

Ellen said she'd had no idea she looked so surprised like that.

Jon Stewart was also filmed reacting to John Oliver's impression of him as former Oscar host on The Daily Show. This impression had a little bit of meaness but Jon Stewart recognised that his job involves it, and, again, took it with good grace.

I don't like mean impressions but when they're affectionate, they can be hilarious.

They can also give us clues into the way we act in the world. Assuming you're not famous and don't see impersonator's versions of you on a regular basis, you could still think about the mannerisms, expressions (facial and verbal) and so on that are part of you.

Does anything stand out as something you'd like to drop? Is there anything you'd even want to exagerate?

You may even choose to get together with a group of trusted friends and "play" each other to build awareness of all the things you're so used to doing, you don't notice them.

By impersonating someone else, you might also hit on a way to tap into a more sociable, confident, fun, athletic or other you.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Innoculations for the heart

I've just had my final jab before I head off to Kenya next week.

I'm always alarmed when the nurse explains the risks of various diseases. A little part of me actually contemplates staying home.

But I know it'll be worth it and I'm really looking forward to seeing the country my mother was born and raised in (as well as to having a couple of weeks' holiday).

It made me think about life experiences like marriage, parenting and so many other things we risk as humans.

If people focused only on the scary aspects (something unthinkable happening to a child, betrayal and so on), the species would have died out a long, long time ago. No one would ever allow themselves to fall in love or to have children.

Is there something you're pushing away in your own life? It may be a risk to do with work or a creative venture or love... think about it.

In most emotional situations, there is no innoculation for the heart. But by surrounding your life with as much love as possible (supportive friends and family as well as the love and encouragement you can learn to give yourself), whatever happens will be easier to handle.

Sure, certain things will still hurt. A lot.

But it doesn't have to be deadly.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2009.

Giving yourself time and space

It may seem self indulgent, but if you don't allow yourself the time and space you need alone, you may end up feeling just as cranky as if you were sleep or food deprived.

Pay attention next time you find yourself:

. growing irritable with someone you care about
. feeling enraged on the roads (or even at the checkout)
. wanting to scream with frustration because you're on hold for just a minute or two

Give yourself a break and life's frustrations will no longer feel so major. And don't get cross with yourself for being human, just recognise it as your body's way of telling you to give yourself a break before you do anything you might regret.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Choosing the way you see things

I'm (along with every other coach in the world, probably) constantly reminding clients (and myself) that while we can't choose what happens to us, we can choose our reaction.

I've heard some amazing examples of people choosing happiness in the face of incredible odds and this beats all:

Matt and Ginny chose to see each moment they had with their very sick little son as a blessing. They celebrated every day they had with him and seemed devoid of any bitterness.

How lucky for little Eliot to be born into such an amazing family for his short life. I can't really say anymore but the video says it all:

http://www.oprah.com/media/20081001_tows_99balloons

(I cry at anything, but seriously, you'll probably need tissues.)

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Employment special - Be open to opportunities

I was on Sadie Nine's BBC Essex show this afternoon offering coaching advice for callers and listeners who had been made redundant / felt insecure in existing jobs / wanted a change etc.

No matter how unplanned your current situation, take back control. It's easy and natural to feel disempowered when changes are afoot in your company or even industry.

But there's probably not a great deal that you, personally, can do to make the whole field safer.

What you can do is focus on your own situation.

. keep your CV up to date
. read business pages
. update your skills by enrolling in an evening class
. tell your friends, family and acquaintances about the kind of work you're looking for (not in a desperate way but in a proactive way). The more you can share about this work, the more likely they are to think of you when someone mentions an opening
. practice your interview skills. If it's been a long time since your last one, practice role playing with friends / family

The more you can keep your focus on your outcome (finding work you love which also pays well) and the more positive you can be, the easier it will be to spot opportunities. You'll also come across as a more appealing candidate.

I'll share more coaching tips in my newsletter on Wednesday (you can sign up via my website if you don't already get them).

And if you'd like to listen to the employment special, I was on from 2.45-3.45pm today (http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/mainframe.shtml?http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/essex.shtml)

Good luck!

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2009.

Rejected: Tales of the Failed, Dumped and Canceled

I ordered this book based on the title alone.

When I started coaching, most of my clients were writers. While we face more rejection than many people, everyone on the planet has to deal with it.

(And it's not like being a musician, dancer, actor or model where you have to take the rejection in person and thank them for the opportunity rather than slump into a heap on the stage and weep openly).

I've only dipped into this book so far (am looking forward to reading it properly soon) but it's very entertaining. Many of the contributors are comedy writers.

And I imagine writing about their humiliation brought its own healing.

Next time you're in a situation where you feel rejected, distance yourself from it a little. Instead of allowing yourself to feel all the pain before you're ready, ask yourself how you might spin it for a laugh as you tell your partner / friend / mum later on.

Then remember whatever it was you set out to do (get a job that pays well and feels fulfilling / get published / onstage etc.) and keep going.

Keep seeking and applying for every possible opportunity. Build up those rejection muscles and let them make you stronger.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

What are your instincts telling you about your life?

Oprah (yay Sky+!!) was about paying attention to The Gift of Fear, today.

Most of it was about life threatening situations and, people paying attention to their instincts saving them.

But the author, Gavin de Becker, also pointed out that our instincts warn us when we're moving off track in our everyday lives.

He said that when we don't pay attention to our feelings that something's wrong (maybe with a job or relationship), our instincts force us to pay greater attention by giving us panic attacks or illness.

Is there an area of your life where, even though you think you're being silly, your body is giving you signals (a feeling in your gut, a pain somewhere, nausea or some other symtom) that it's time to pay attention and get back on the right track for you?

As De Becker points out, when a small animal senses a lion and runs away before the lion can even be seen, it doesn't beat itself up saying "I'm so ridiculous for running. What's wrong with me?"

Sit with your fears. What are they trying to tell you? How can they help you move your life into a happier and healthier direction?

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

The Thought Police - Part 2

Funnily enough, we were talking about apologies on Sadie Nine's show (click here to listen and choose Saturday lunchtime http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/mainframe.shtml?http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/essex.shtml) this weekend.

I was very much in the minority (a few callers called me the Thought Police and one called me worse) but stand by what I said: I think the world would be a much nicer place if, instead of waiting until something affects us personally to take offense, we use our empathy skills to think, "You know what, I didn't mean to cause offence there but completely see how it might have seemed like I did and I'm sorry."

Sure, bullying toughens some people up but in many cases, it leaves scars (or worse) that can last forever.

I want to live in a world where people feel able to stand up for themselves when people are unkind to them.

But not everyone has unshakable self confidence or a safety net at home where they can talk through those hurt feelings and be assured that they're not inherently wrong themselves.

So I feel we all have a duty to stand up for people who may not feel confident enough to stand up for themselves.

That doesn't mean that I think we should decide that we know better than others what should be considered offensive. And I don't think that the Carol Thatcher thing should have been leaked or sold to the press. A quiet word would have been much better.

We all have our own hot spots. People who barely bat an eyelid at racist, sexist or homophobic remarks become sensitive when someone says something about a disability (or the other way around).

But if we think about it, I'm sure we can all remember times when we felt unable, for whatever reason, to stand up for ourselves. Maybe we were the only woman or man in a group etc.

Hopefully, we can all learn to express ourselves more kindly and learn from each other.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2009.

Beware of The Thought Police. Is it you?

To watch or read any news this week, it seems that everyone's having to apologise for something someone thinks they should never have said.

Call me PC but I'm all for being kind and avoiding hurting anyone (whether it's a minority or majority, everyone has feelings and respect is a good thing).

I don't believe that my (or anyone else's) freedom of expression should over-ride someone else's right to not be verbally abused or insulted.

Having said that, we all have "bad" thoughts. Thoughts that, if we suppress and repress them, will only bubble up inappropriately and hurtfully.

If something's upsetting you and you're not comfortable enough (even in your own head, in your diary or with a trusted friend or therapist) to explore those feelings, you won't be able to shine a healing light on them so they can be released.

Instead, they'll fester and make you feel guilty for even having them (while also using up a lot of your energy as you try to deny them).

If you have thoughts that just won't be silenced, light a candle or small flashlight. Begin to examine them.

In many cases, just acknowledging them will help you set them (and yourself) free without hurting anyone.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2009.