Using NLP in your language (in a way that doesn't make you sound like a loon)

Before I trained in NLP, I was a bit wary. I'd heard of it being used in sales to get people to buy things and so on and just didn't like that idea.

Fortunately, it's not about mind control or anything sinister like that.

The idea of trance put me off until I realised that I'd been using trance language on myself - with negative effects - for much of my life unconsciously.

Have you ever told yourself "I can't, I'm fat / stupid / useless" or anything else that does the opposite of motivating you to take action that could change your situation?

That's a form of trance language - you say it so often and in such a resigned, believing way, before you know it, you're acting that way.

Wouldn't it be better to tell yourself, "Of course I can do it!" (and, naturally, follow up this thought with an action plan - thinking alone won't get it done)?

Get into the habit of noticing your instant reactions to things. Are you using trance language on yourself? When you are, is it helping you or making things worse?

Another tip is known as the double bind. A sales person might use it like this: "Would you like to buy the green or the red?" or "Would you like to book for Monday or Wednesday?"

Someone who has no intention of buying either isn't going to suddenly decide to go with the red or Wednesday but if someone is already ready to buy, this phrasing can help.

A parent might ask their child, "Would you like to go to bed now or in half an hour?"

And the child who has agreed to go to bed in half an hour rather than now will be far less resistant when the time has come.

Other common uses are to avoid the use of negatives like "Don't _____" The idea behind this is that our brains cannot process the instruction without first imagining doing the very thing they're being told not to. No smoking makes you think of smoking.

You may want to experiment with saying what you want the person to do instead. For example, "Could you speak more quietly please?" rather than "Don't shout." "I'd really appreciate your being on time" as opposed to "Don't be late" and so on.

"Try" is another word to avoid whenever possible (unless you're playing rugby). If you say, "I'll try", if you think about it, there's probably already a little part of you making an excuse.

If you commit to doing it, you put more energy behind your intention and make getting up at stupid o'clock for an early morning swim / run (or whatever you're psyching yourself up for) far more likely.

It'll take practice and vigilance (I just deleted a couple of instances where I'd suggested try right here and I've been practicing for years!) but it's worth it.

Do you ask for what you're worth at work?

How often have you asked for a pay raise at work?

If you work for yourself, do you charge what you're worth or too little?

When you have psyched yourself up to quote what you're worth or present reasons for being worth more to your company than you've been getting, how comfortable do you feel about it?

Do you think:

a) Sure, I wish they'd offered more without my having to ask but they know I'm worth every penny and I'm sure I'll get it. If not here, then somewhere else...

b) I feel so greedy. So many people have lost their jobs / I'm lucky to be working in a field I enjoy...

c) I hope this doesn't prompt them to fire me / never hire me again. And that they don't tell all their aquaintances how outrageous I was to ask...

Which person's attitude do you think would be most likely to get the new rates she or he hopes for?

How can you boost your own confidence more so you believe in your value to your employer / clients and customers?

Before going into that meeting / making that call / writing that email, can you boost your morale by reading testimonials, positive reviews, clients' comments and other things that remind you that you're great at your job?

If you worry "But I'm not great at my job", what specific areas could you use a revision course or extra training in? What would help you be better at your work?

What do your colleagues / bosses / clients / others you work with value most about you? If nothing springs to mind, can you ask a few trusted souls?

It may be that, on this occassion, you don't get more money. But by having raised it, your manager / client will know that you'd like more and when they next have budget meetings, they'll be more likely to allocate more for you in the future.

Even if you don't get more money, you'll be getting valuable feedback. Ask for specifics. What do you need to do to prove your worth? What kind of timeframe are they thinking of?

You may choose to look elsewhere but whatever you do, doing something is more empowering that just sitting at your desk wishing they'd recognise your worth without you having to point it out.

The confidence to be yourself

On Sadie's show today (to listen, please visit http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/radio/bbc_radio_essex/ and choose Friday, 19th February, noon to 2pm), things got quite controversial.

We had the most calls about Elton John's statement about Jesus being kind, intelligent and gay. Was this offensive to Christians?

My views seemed to be in the minority. When I was initially given the story to read, the only offence I felt was that David Furnish was referred to as Elton's "husband" (the quotation marks make it sound like it's not quite as real a relationship as the reporter's is or would be).

But as I thought about it, I became increasingly pleased on behalf of all the kids growing up (and adults who still fear this) being told that they would literally Go To Hell because of who they love.

On Ellen, Ellen Degeneres said something like "No one ever gives you a card or cake saying 'Good for you, you're gay!'" when her charater was struggling to come out. Apparently, after that episode wrapped, the crew and cast wheeled out an enormous cake saying "Good for you, you're gay!"

How can any kind of love be wrong?

We all need people to look up to. I'm no longer Catholic partly because there were so few women in the story (and those that were mentioned were either too saintly for me to even dream about emulating or, like my namesake, responsible for the downfall of humanity).

I'm Indian / Irish and remember being confused as a child by Jesus and Mary's blue eyes and blond hair. For the part of the world they were said to come from, surely they'd have been much darker?

Yet I understand the need for people in this part of the world to have rewritten history, as it were, and create images that reflected them so they could feel closer somehow.

My parents did their best to counter this kind of unconscious stereotyping (pale good, dark bad etc.) but seeing more mixed race role models around as I've got older (though I still sometimes feel like an oddity with the Indian Irish combo) has had a healthy impact on my own self esteem.

The idea that kids growing up confused about their sexuality (or sure about it but feeling that it isn't OK) and then being told that they're wrong hurts my heart.

I wish we could treat everyone with respect and try to see where people we don't understand are coming from. Having said that, I'm a little anxious in case this post and what I said on air offends any Christians. Not to mention potential offence caused to people of all the religions we didn't mention.

Whether you're a woman trying to break through a barrier at work, a stay at home father struggling to find acceptance at the school gate when or anyone not fully in the mainstream, I hope you'll find the confidence to keep on being you.

"To be natural is such a very difficult pose to keep up" - Oscar Wilde

I've heard of celebrated actors saying that they were painfully shy children and losing themselves in a role was a liberating experience.

But for many people, getting through life as themselves can feel like quite a performance.

How do you express who you are in the way you:

. dress?

. live?

. work?

. love?

. dance?

. sing?

. decorate your surroundings?

. cook?

. create?

What more could you do to be more naturally you?

"You don't have to teach a seed how to become a flower" Diana Whitmore

I love this quote. Whitmore explains that "Just as the seed of a flower contains the blueprint for the flower which the seed will become, and inherently knows how to become that flower, there is a similar knowing to be found in the depth of our humanity."

It reminds me a bit of a Kabbalah saying I heard ages ago. That every blade of grass has it's own angel whispering encouragement "grow, grow".

Are you allowing yourself to become the person you're meant to be or are you trying to fit into a life / job / relationship that goes against the grain?

Whitmore talks about the futility of an acorn trying to become a rose bush. Oak trees rock. Why would any acorn want to become anything else? And yet how often do we humans try to force ourselves into a different way of being?

When you think about your life, do any areas stick out as times you're trying to be anything other than yourself?

When do you feel most like yourself?

Who supports you in being you?

Who makes you feel like you're not good enough just the way you are?

Pay attention to the times when you try to change others, too.

Make simple changes with your shedule, friends and other areas so you spend more time just being you and being appreciated and accepted for that.

What do you do when you feel defeated?

"Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent." - Marilyn Vos Savant

I've been reading about Sophia Loren's early attempts to get a big break and she apparently failed several screen tests.

Whether you're feeling defeated in a quest for fame and fortune or if the simplest things in life feel overwhelming, take things one step at a time.

When you feel like giving up, take some deep breaths to centre yourself and ask yourself, if you could have anything, right now, to help you feel better, what would it be?

Will reaching out to someone help? Who can you phone / see / contact who can then help you pick yourself up again?

Maybe you need some time to wallow and regroup? Decide to give yourself some set time to really feel the defeat - an hour? 20 minutes? What memories of other defeats are coming up for you? Use a diary or just sit with it but let it all out.

Will distracting yourself help? Doing some exercise or taking yourself out of your head and into the cinema?

You always know what's best for you if you just allow yourself to get in touch with that part of yourself.

Don't dismiss things that feel like defeats but make sure you know that you don't have to let the situation become permanent.

CV being ignored? The CSI:NY response...

As a freelance journalist, I'm used to repitching feature ideas that have been rejected or ignored.

Sometimes, one I'd practically given up on finds a new lease of life with a title I've wanted to get into for ages. And sometimes, they continue to be rejected and ignored.

Either way, I've learned that sending out more ideas is the best way of handling it. Waiting for a response without taking other actions would be pretty depressing.

Still, I was amazed by the audacity of Sarah Carter's (Shark) character, Haylen, on CSI: NY. Having sent three CVs to the lab and hearing nothing back, she didn't think:

. they don't want me
. they have enough staff
. they've given the job to someone more qualified
. there's something I don't know about but I must not be right for the role

Fictional Haylen thought Obviously, they really want me but they just can't afford me. I know, I'll apply for government funding. That way, they can hire me and I'll get paid from someone else's budget...

I thought Mac might still decide against signing off on Haylen joining the team. (It's early days and while I've so far resisted reading future episode guides, it wouldn't surprise me if she turns out to be a stalker or some other kind of problem).

But she's joined.

In an unscientific poll, I've asked a few people how they'd handle their CV being ignored after sending it, three times, to their dream employer.

No one has suggested going over potential boss's head to apply for funding but maybe Haylen can inspire you to be a little more proactive (though maybe not quite so extreme)...

Do you shop to cheer yourself up?

According to a study from the University of Hertfordshire, 79% of women see shopping as a way to cheer themselves up. 40% said depression makes them spend.

But, as anyone who's ever had any debt knows, this cheer up strategy can cost more than just money - from sleepless nights worrying about paying off credit cards to relationship angst if you're keeping your spending from your partner.

Women aren't the only ones who spend money when they know they'd be better off saving.

Are you an emotional overspender?

Before heading for the checkout (in a shop or online), ask yourself what you're really trying to buy. Is it the item you're buying or the lifestyle you'd like to have?

If you're trying to buy into more than the actual thing you're buying, think of other things you can do instead.

Think about the way you feel when you decide to go shopping.

If you're physically going, what prompted you to walk into the shop? Were you walking past and saw something calling to you from inside? Did you set out deliberately to shop?

If shopping online, what were you doing before you ended up on your favourite online shopping site?

By getting to know your own triggers, you'll be better able to identify the times when you're trying to use shopping as a fix and when you're simply buying something that you need, want and can afford.

To help see your spending habits more clearly, start a log.

To begin with, note every single expense within minutes of making it (if you wait until the evening, you'll probably have forgotten a lot).

Then, once a week, take some time to review it.

No one's suggesting you stop spending altogether, but by shopping a bit more mindfully, you'll wind up much happier with the things you purchase.

How were you feeling when you bought ___?

Is there anything you now regret buying?

What could you have done instead to have a longer term (and cheaper) effect on your mood?

Penelope Cruz's Oscar

I read a lovely interview with Penelope Cruz in Stylist magazine.

Unlike all the stars who say they keep their Oscars hidden away / they never look at them / they've even forgotten where it is, Penelope says she moves it from room to room, trying to make a decision.

"I even took it to the beach one day! It's like being five when you finally get a toy you've been asking for!"

I love the idea of her enjoying her accomplishment. Allowing the success of the award to settle in every cell.

What do you do when you get something you've been working towards?

Do you immediately move on to the next thing or allow yourself some time to celebrate?

Rewards are very important as they offer you the chance to sit with the accomplishment of whatever you've just achieved.

Whether your reward is a cup of tea after decluttering a junk drawer, a night out after finishing a big assignment or even a holiday after a big project, remember that it's important to keep your word to yourself.

Can you imagine if you had a child and you promised that when they ____ you'd give them ____ and then you didn't keep your word?

When you've been very busy and working hard, taking a break can feel quite challenging but you owe it to yourself to let yourself breathe a bit before taking on your next challenge.