Using NLP in your language (in a way that doesn't make you sound like a loon)

Before I trained in NLP, I was a bit wary. I'd heard of it being used in sales to get people to buy things and so on and just didn't like that idea.

Fortunately, it's not about mind control or anything sinister like that.

The idea of trance put me off until I realised that I'd been using trance language on myself - with negative effects - for much of my life unconsciously.

Have you ever told yourself "I can't, I'm fat / stupid / useless" or anything else that does the opposite of motivating you to take action that could change your situation?

That's a form of trance language - you say it so often and in such a resigned, believing way, before you know it, you're acting that way.

Wouldn't it be better to tell yourself, "Of course I can do it!" (and, naturally, follow up this thought with an action plan - thinking alone won't get it done)?

Get into the habit of noticing your instant reactions to things. Are you using trance language on yourself? When you are, is it helping you or making things worse?

Another tip is known as the double bind. A sales person might use it like this: "Would you like to buy the green or the red?" or "Would you like to book for Monday or Wednesday?"

Someone who has no intention of buying either isn't going to suddenly decide to go with the red or Wednesday but if someone is already ready to buy, this phrasing can help.

A parent might ask their child, "Would you like to go to bed now or in half an hour?"

And the child who has agreed to go to bed in half an hour rather than now will be far less resistant when the time has come.

Other common uses are to avoid the use of negatives like "Don't _____" The idea behind this is that our brains cannot process the instruction without first imagining doing the very thing they're being told not to. No smoking makes you think of smoking.

You may want to experiment with saying what you want the person to do instead. For example, "Could you speak more quietly please?" rather than "Don't shout." "I'd really appreciate your being on time" as opposed to "Don't be late" and so on.

"Try" is another word to avoid whenever possible (unless you're playing rugby). If you say, "I'll try", if you think about it, there's probably already a little part of you making an excuse.

If you commit to doing it, you put more energy behind your intention and make getting up at stupid o'clock for an early morning swim / run (or whatever you're psyching yourself up for) far more likely.

It'll take practice and vigilance (I just deleted a couple of instances where I'd suggested try right here and I've been practicing for years!) but it's worth it.

How do you handle conflict?

While I love coaching my clients and helping them assert themselves in their relationships, lives and at work, my default position is to do whatever I can to avoid any kind of conflict.

In spite of all my coaching and NLP training and experience (not to mention other trainings I've done like non-violent communication and my ongoing psychosynthesis course) I have to coach myself A Lot to psych myself up to having difficult conversations in my own life.

I worry endlessly about what people will think of my saying certain things. I often judge myself for even having certain feelings.

Although I've stopped letting this anxiety stop me expressing myself, I doubt I'll ever feel completely at ease with it.

So I was horrified to learn that one of the training exercises we'd be doing at college this weekend involved expressing things that someone else had done (over the year we've been working together) to upset us in some way.

The paranoid part of me worried that I'd have a big, long line of people queuing up to tell me all the things about me that annoyed them.

I was also terrified of talking to the only person I'd had an issue but knew that a healthy, well-adjusted soul would discuss and release it.

I ended up having two challening conversations but afterwards, felt amazing. I'd managed to express myself and hear the other person's words.

I feel much freer now. And also horrified by the amount of energy I've spent, over the years, doing everything possible to avoid conflict.

When listening to the instructions for the exercise, I felt physically sick. And this was around potential conflict with a fellow student.

Think of all the people you come across in your family, neighbourhood, friendship circle, work and so on where you know them so much better (and they seem to know exactly how to push your buttons).

If anyone's springing to mind for you, I hope you'll find these tips helpful:

. Get used to checking in with yourself. Are you upset about something? Acknowledge it to yourself

. Take some time to think about what buttons it's pushed for you. Why are you feeling so upset about it?

. What would you like to happen? If you could wave a magic wand and not have to actually express your negative emotions, what outcome would you want?

. Now start thinking about ways you can take physical steps (sadly, magic wands don't work but they're a great tool for freeing you up to acknowledge your impossible feeling dreams and hopes) to make this happen

. Do you need to talk to someone about something they've done?

. How can you focus on how whatever it is makes YOU feel? (The less blamey you are, the better they'll hear you)

. Can you imagine asking them for whatever you need them to do to help you?

. Can you respect their wishes if, for whatever reason, they can't give you what you need?

I can feel my anxiety levels rising as I type this imagining all the opportunities to practice I usually ignore.

But from now on, I'm going to aim to take as many opportunities as possible to improve all my relationships.

It may feel clumsy at first but think of toddlers learing to walk. They don't give up because they fall over the first (several) time.

Are you making decisions based on love or fear?

I keep hearing Marianne Williamson's voice in my head as I ask myself this about my own decisions.

It sounds so simple - making decisions based on love (or, in NLP terms, "towards") will help you feel better than basing everything on fear (or "away from").

Yet fear can easily take over and compress us so we tense and hold on so tightly, we can't even imagine what it is we want. We just know what we don't want.

What kind of decisions do you find easy to base on love?

For example, do you take on clients or jobs because of what Kristen Chenoweth (author of the delightful memoir, A Little Bit Wicked) would call The Fun Factor or is it ALL based around money, benefits and what you worry might happen if you don't?

If you're a parent, do you let your hopes for your children influence your decision making when they want to do something alone or does fear get in the way?

I'm not at all suggesting that fear doesn't have it's place. Often, fear can be a lifesaver when we tune into that instinct that then keeps us safe.

But if more of your decisions are based on what you're afraid of rather than what you love (and what will help you expand as a person), it may be time to rethink things.

Next time you need to make a decision, take a few moments to sit quietly with the options. Just checking in and figuring out which direction is driven by love and which by fear will help you notice patterns and potentially make changes.

Loving "Lie to me"

I learned about "eye accessing cues" while doing my NLP training. Our eyes move differently depending on whether we're creating (lying) or remembering an actual event (telling the truth).

While I found this part of the course interesting, I filed the info away under I'm Unlikely To Actually Need to Put This Into Practice - I couldn't imagine becoming fast enough at it all (especially as most people show it in certain ways but others do it differently) to put it into proper practice.

So I was reassured by Lie to Me (I already adore this show based on the research of real life psychologist and micro-expressions expert Dr Paul Ekman). The father-daughter relationship is especially cringe inducing - can you imagine having a "human lie detector" as a father when you just want to survive your teens?

Although the team spend everyday consulting on various cases / situations where people want to know the truth, they spend a lot of time studying these micro-expressions on a huge screen, pressing pause at incremental steps.

None of the characters are based on real people but I've not been able to stop worrying about the (fictional) one who practices Radical Honesty. How he doesn't get beaten up every day is beyond me - so much of what he says is inappropriate.

Still, it's made me much more conscious of how our actions really do speak much louder than our words.

Enjoy!

(C) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009