Whose hands is your life in?

"Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one is to blame" - Erica Jong

Is there an area of your life which would be perfect if only _________ would do _____?

Forget it. You know by now that the only person you can change is yourself.

How can you take more responsibility for this area of your life?

How can you remind yourself of all the resources you have instead of allowing yourself to feel helpless and out of control?

Acknowledging the power you have, day to day, to affect your own destiny will make you far happier than fixating on the things that you can't control.

Stephen Covey talks about the Circle of Concern (all the things you may worry about) and Circle of Influence (the things you can actually change or affect in some way).

Ideally, you can expand your Circle of Influence by taking more action around the things that concern you.

This may involved talking to people who can help with a situation too big to handle yourself. It might even writing to a politician or getting involved with a campaigning group to allow your voice to be heard.

Decide to take charge. Anytime you want to blame someone, get into the habit of thinking about the kind of action you'd like to take if you were in their situation as well as actions you can take in your own situation.

Have you heard of magical thinking?

When I first heard this expression, I thought it was a good thing, like the Law of Attraction squared.

But really, it's when we know what we want or need from a situation but instead of communicating openly with those in our lives, we wish they'd just understand.

Without us having to ask.

Remember the famous scene from The Break Up when Jennifer Aniston tells Vince Vaughn she wants him to want to do the washing up?

No one wants to wash up. (Although, as Monica, her old roomate in Friends, Courteney Cox Arquette seemed to.) Aniston's character probably didn't enjoy it (if she had, it wouldn't have been an issue).

How might she have communicated things in a way that would have been more likely to get him to respond in the way she hoped?

What are you refusing to ask for right now?

Are you sulking or holding back in some way because you feel let down that you're not getting it?

Whether you want your boss to offer you a pay rise (without actually putting your case forward or even letting her know you'd appreciate one) or your partner to do something, start thinking of ways you can be more direct.

Why I love telephone / Skype coaching

I've always preferred telephone coaching to face to face coaching.

Maybe it's just me but I feel I can somehow listen more deeply on the phone as well as being able to connect with clients who live further afield.

And it seems to allow my clients to dig that bit deeper. With face to face coaching, we're very aware of the surroundings and telephone coaching helps cut out some of those distractions.

They are also in control of their environment (and can make sure they make the call away from any noise or distractions).

Telephone coaching also allows much more flexibility and I'm able to offer more evening appointments than I ever could with face to face coaching.

With the wonders of the web (www.Skype.com), clients can call free using Skype and if they also have a webcam, can benefit from virtual face to face coaching without the hassle of travelling.


To find out more about my telephone / Skype coaching services, please visit www.applecoaching.com

Please tell me what you think of my new design website

You can visit it at www.applecoaching.com and tell me what you think by emailing or commenting on this blog (have now enabled comments).

Thanks in advance for all your comments and suggestions.

What makes you happy?

"Whenever you are sincerely pleased, you are nourished." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I saw a documentary about Prime Suspect a while ago and Lynda La Plant said she had to tell Helen Mirren to stop smiling.

Her point was that women smile much more than men as a way of putting others at their ease.

Strangers on the street rarely tell men, "Cheer up luv, it might never happen."

When you stop smiling as a cover up, you'll start noticing what naturally lifts your spirits.

What makes you grin from the inside out?

Let yourself start noticing the things that genuinely please you.

Walking past a sleeping baby being pushed gently by his or her caregiver? Watching funny clips on YouTube?

Do more that will bring you into contact with the people and things that make you smile.

And if someone tries to get you to smile when you Just Don't Feel Like It, consider growling at them. Even the thought of their reaction might make you genuinely feel better.

Do you censor yourself too much?

I was amused to read about Adam Slavick-Lennard (aka Sleep Talkin Man - www.sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com) last week.

His wife, Karen, sick of being woken up by his endless sleep chatter decided to start blogging. It's become so popular that they're thinking about book deals and talking to several papers.

At first, I felt mortified for Adam, having his sleep talk publicised. But then it made me laugh.

From "Vampire penguins? Zombie guinea pigs? We're done for.... done for" to "Don't... Don't put the noodles and the dumplings together in the boat. They'll fight! The noodles are bullies. Poor dumplings."

Think about the times when you hold back, bite your tongue and otherwise stop yourself from communicating.

It may be that far from judging what you have to say, people respond to your honesty and openess.

No one's suggesting you switch your own inner censor off completely but ask yourself if there are times when you - and others - would benefit from you speaking out more...

What are you waiting for? Give what you want to receive

A piece I wrote about thank you notes ages ago came out today (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1243065/Does-send-thank-letters-more.html) and I wondered, how many of the people who say they prefer handwritten thank you cards and notes send them to their friends, families and colleagues etc.?

Often, we want things that we don't then give.

Is there something you'd like more of in your life?

Rather than waiting for it, how can you find more ways to give it?

For example, if you wish your partner would listen to you more, ask yourself when you last gave him or her your full attention.

If you wish people would be more open and honest with you, ask yourself if you're keeping anything important from them (or even from yourself).

This will help you shift things and may even inspire the person / people you're frustrated with to reciprocate...

(Alternatively, you could take the radical approach and learn to ask directly for what you need).

Are you expecting too much from yourself?

"Our limitations, our imperfections, our mistakes... these do not reflect our inferiority but are part of being human" - Joan Sheingold Ditzion

Reading this made me exhale with a sense of "Of course!"

But in daily life, I often forget that no one expects perfection from me or anyone else.

Think about your Christmas. Did you plan things so carefully imagining a Nigella-esque version even though that's impossible for most of us?

This year (and beyond), how can you take some pressure of yourself and just smile when things don't go to plan?

How can you support yourself so you don't contort yourself trying to make things perfect at work, at home, in your relationships and so on?

Being human (with all the mistakes this means) is just right.

How do you handle conflict?

While I love coaching my clients and helping them assert themselves in their relationships, lives and at work, my default position is to do whatever I can to avoid any kind of conflict.

In spite of all my coaching and NLP training and experience (not to mention other trainings I've done like non-violent communication and my ongoing psychosynthesis course) I have to coach myself A Lot to psych myself up to having difficult conversations in my own life.

I worry endlessly about what people will think of my saying certain things. I often judge myself for even having certain feelings.

Although I've stopped letting this anxiety stop me expressing myself, I doubt I'll ever feel completely at ease with it.

So I was horrified to learn that one of the training exercises we'd be doing at college this weekend involved expressing things that someone else had done (over the year we've been working together) to upset us in some way.

The paranoid part of me worried that I'd have a big, long line of people queuing up to tell me all the things about me that annoyed them.

I was also terrified of talking to the only person I'd had an issue but knew that a healthy, well-adjusted soul would discuss and release it.

I ended up having two challening conversations but afterwards, felt amazing. I'd managed to express myself and hear the other person's words.

I feel much freer now. And also horrified by the amount of energy I've spent, over the years, doing everything possible to avoid conflict.

When listening to the instructions for the exercise, I felt physically sick. And this was around potential conflict with a fellow student.

Think of all the people you come across in your family, neighbourhood, friendship circle, work and so on where you know them so much better (and they seem to know exactly how to push your buttons).

If anyone's springing to mind for you, I hope you'll find these tips helpful:

. Get used to checking in with yourself. Are you upset about something? Acknowledge it to yourself

. Take some time to think about what buttons it's pushed for you. Why are you feeling so upset about it?

. What would you like to happen? If you could wave a magic wand and not have to actually express your negative emotions, what outcome would you want?

. Now start thinking about ways you can take physical steps (sadly, magic wands don't work but they're a great tool for freeing you up to acknowledge your impossible feeling dreams and hopes) to make this happen

. Do you need to talk to someone about something they've done?

. How can you focus on how whatever it is makes YOU feel? (The less blamey you are, the better they'll hear you)

. Can you imagine asking them for whatever you need them to do to help you?

. Can you respect their wishes if, for whatever reason, they can't give you what you need?

I can feel my anxiety levels rising as I type this imagining all the opportunities to practice I usually ignore.

But from now on, I'm going to aim to take as many opportunities as possible to improve all my relationships.

It may feel clumsy at first but think of toddlers learing to walk. They don't give up because they fall over the first (several) time.

Does snow make us more spontaneous?

When the whole country seems to come to a halt at the mere mention of snow (and then we actually get quite a lot), it forces me to be more spontaneous.

Normally, I'm a complete planner. I psych myself up to do things and then do them.

But snow means that the things we normally take for granted (even just walking to the station / nearest bus stop) can feel harder to predict.

No matter how much I may want to go swimming, I can't cycle the six mile roundtrip on icy roads (and it would take decades to walk).

If I make it up the hill without falling over (again) will trains and buses even be running?

Being self employed and working from home most of the time means I can be pretty flexible and rearrange snow-affected things while still getting a lot done.

If you're affected, what can you do to help you enjoy the snow days more?

How can you go with the flow?

For me, thinking about trekking all the way into college tomorrow (two hours each way on a good day) when there's the possibility it will be cancelled makes me feel completely unspontaneous again.

But taking time to make some snow angels after shovelling helps me to smile about it and experience the present rather than worrying about what might happen.

What kind of person are you becoming?

Do you remember Scarlett in Gone With the Wind (the novel more so than the film)? She endlessly wanted to be a Great Lady like her mother. But not yet.

Being a "great lady" meant being patient, kind and all sorts of things that are hard work. Scarlett wanted to live before becoming more like Melly and her mother.

In books, TV and film, characters are often portrayed as good or bad.

In shows like Buffy, Angel would suddenly switch from good to evil and it could have been life threatening for Buffy. Georgina (Buffy's Michelle Trachtenburg) in Gossip Girl seems to have a similarly On/Off switch for her entire personality.

I remember watching Dr Quinn and loving the way that different characters were likeable and unlikeable eopisode to episode. The "good" ones made mistakes and even the violent, awful ones had some redeeming qualities.

In real life, though, we make our choices moment by moment.

Whether to be honest and face the consequences or tell that little lie for convenience.

To be honest with our accounts or expenses rather than including something that doesn't belong there.

How can you make daily decisions that help you become the person you want to be?

Take action against fear

"I am no longer afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my own ship" - Louisa May Alcott

The author best known for her novel, Little Women, was quite a pioneer. Even though she lived in a time when women weren't supposed to work in most fields, let alone have their own dreams, she supported her family through her writing.

I love the idea of not being afraid of storms but worry that even if I knew how to sail, there'd still be all sorts of things I'd be scared of (I'm not great with the whole "letting go" and "trusting" yet).

Still, I love Louisa's advice. While I'll probably never sail the seven seas, there are all sorts of things I've learned about to help me feel less fearful in my day to day life.

A few years ago, I knew nothing about running my own business but I started my own coaching practice while launching myself as a freelance journalist and writer.

Five years on, while I think I was a bit crazy to do things in this way, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I learned what I could about making it work (taking lots of opportunities to build my tool kit with more training and so on) as I went along.

Now that I'm training as a psychosynthesis psychotherapist, I regularly feel way out of my depth. But I also know that, quite apart from counselling skills and practical applications, I'm learning stuff about myself and healing things I never thought could be healed and this will help me in ALL areas of life.

What "storms" do you fear in your life?

What kind of training could help alleviate some of your fears?

Who can you talk to about them? (Someone who has done what you're scared / excited about trying? Someone who'll support you as you make progress?)

Acknowledge the things you're afraid of and then take steps to storm proof your life as much as you can.

Once you feel confident that you've done whatever YOU can do, it will be that much easier to relax and trust that you can sail through the seas ahead...