Short break

I'm taking a break from my blog but you can read archived (usually updated each week) newsletters - if you're not already a subscriber - at http://applecoaching.com/id2.html

You can also read some of the features and tips I'm contributing to a wide range of titles at www.evemenezescunningham.co.uk

Workplace stress and how to counter it

I just read an interesting piece on workplace stress in the Guardian's G2 supplement - How to survive workplace stress in the recession http://gu.com/p/2h427/tw

I'm my own boss but still have to remind myself that I need balance.

Yesterday was a very long day and I happily worked until midnight. But I made sure I could sleep in a little this morning and yesterday's work was the kind of thing that makes a differece long term.

I've had jobs in the past where no matter how hard I worked, I didn't seem to make a dent in my workload. That did not involve my being happy about overtime.

It's easy to get caught up in the fear of a situation (what if I don't do what's being asked for me? What if I get made redundant next? What if I burn out and am unable to work at all?) but this kind of thinking is simply going to add to your stress.

Unless you use it positively.

Give yourself some time to actually think things through. What IF you simply can't manage? Let your mind wander? What's the worst case scenario you can think of?

Often, this can actually bring some relief. Once you've realised that you can cope even if your worst case situation occurs, you'll be better able to manage.

If you're doing the work of former colleagues who haven't been replaced, ask your boss if there's a timeframe in place for the hiring freeze to thaw.

You don't have to let your stress build up until it explodes. Instead, even if you feel no one else understands, empathise with yourself.

Trying to deny that you're under pressure when you're working long hours and trying to do too much is just going to add to your stress.

Acknowledging that you're under tremendous pressure and think about practical ways you can relieve it.

This might include making time for exercise, fitting in some meditation or other relaxation, eating nourishing food and getting enough sleep etc.

Even if, at the moment, it feels like complete fantasy, make a list. What would help you feel better right now? Some things may be impossible to put into action at the moment but you'll find at least a few ideas you can start integrating into your life today.

Is violence ever a good way to teach children respect?

I don't understand why so many people confuse discipline with violence.

I believe that children should be raised to respect others as well as themselves but don't understand how being hit, smacked, caned or otherwise harmed teaches them anything other than:

a) fear and

b) that it's OK for more powerful people to harm smaller, more helpless people in order to get what they want.

Even the callers who said "It didn't do me any harm" remembered being hit far more vividly than the reason for this punishment.

Surely it's far more effective to guide them by doing things like:

. taking your rubbish to a bin rather than dropping litter

. showing them that you respect them and other people you deal with

. listening to them

. explaining the difference between being disappointed in their behaviour and giving up on them (that you'll never give up on them or stop loving them).

To hear more of my (unpopular! For suggesting NOT beating children!) views on today's Sadie Nine show, please click here to listen - http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/radio/bbc_radio_essex

We also talked about the election and different parties' proposed policies on education.

Are you jealous? Is someone jealous of you?

Read more of my tips in Cathy Winston's AOL article on dealing with jealousy -
http://w18ceww.lemondrop.co.uk/2010/04/16/the-a-z-of-love-j-is-for-jealousy/

Keeping kids safe and the impact of punk (BBC Essex)

If you'd like to listen to our discussions of topics including letting your kids play outside and punk, you can click here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0076334/Sadie_Nine_09_04_2010/

How do you feel about your Ex?

Read more tips and advice for dealing with them (whether you want to create a new friendship or make a clean break) here - http://www.lemondrop.co.uk/2010/03/20/the-a-z-of-love-e-is-for-exes/

Grow more of what you love

Yesterday was (this hemisphere's) Spring Equinox.

As you sit in the sun (or at least begin to imagine it as a more distinct possibility than even a few days ago), instead of just thinking that your lawn, if you have one, needs mowing, think about the other things you're growing.

How can you grow more of what you love?

Who are the friends and family who make you feel like the best version of yourself?

What books / magazines / films / TV shows and so on bring out the best in you?

Which hobbies do you lose yourself in most easily, emerging feeling creative, energised and refreshed?

Weeds can be as beautiful as cultivated flowers (more so, often) but if you feel that your life is over-run, think of ways to cut back.

Focus your energy on the new projects you want to get off the ground this spring. Think about the sunshine and water equivalents (support wise) you can provide to help yourself grow...

How's your communication with the people you love?

You can read Cathy's AOL blog (including some of my tips) at http://www.lemondrop.co.uk/2010/03/17/the-a-z-of-love-c-is-for-communication

Why (if you do) do you wear make-up?

Is it a bit of fun or an effort to hide behind it?

You can read Cathy Winston's aol blog (with some tips from me) here - http://uk.stylelist.com/2010/03/15/are-you-caught-in-the-cosmetics-trap/

"Today, if you become frightened, instead become inspired"

I always love Grey's Anatomy. I can't think of any other programme I've ever seen where such drive and ambition, even from women, is shown as a good thing.

Last week's episode (Give Peace a Chance) was, I think, my all time favourite. We got away from all the bickering of the past few weeks and everyone was focused on an impossible (banned by the Chief) surgery on an inoperable tumour.

Don't want to give anything away for people who plan to see it but I loved the sentiment of turning fear into inspiration.

The patient coaxed the doctor (McDreamy / Derek Shepherd - aka "the world's foremost neurosurgeon") into doing the surgery in a very calm but certain way (hard to pull off when you've been told you're going to die or end up paralysed): "Today, if you become frightened, instead become inspired".

When you think of your own life, is there a situation that leaps out at you as one which has or could inspire you but instead often frightens you into avoiding the risk?

What support do you need as you take this leap?

McDreamy needed support to get through the extremely long surgery and although he'd "gone rogue", had dozens of interns keen to help. The difference between the talks with the surgeons who were inspired and amazed and the risk-averse few was obvious.

Thinking back to your own life, have you spoken about the situation to people close to you?

How can you keep it from those who pour cold water on your dreams and instead get the support from people who truly want to see you succeed (and maybe even be a part of it themselves)?

What can you do differently, from today, to turn your fears into inspiration?

What have you been putting off?

Martha Beck has an amusing saying: "Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can cancel altogether."

If you're feeling overwhelmed, take another look at your schedule / To Do list.

What can be cancelled?

What can someone else do?

What will you feel better for doing yourself?

If you don't already have a scheduling or To Do list system that works for you, free your brain now and write everything you can think of down.

I'd find it hard to function without my page to a day diary (I'm one of those people who loves ticking things off when completed). Some people like electronic planners, others, wall planners and some keep long lists which they add to and manage even though it may look chaotic from the outside. Some people write things down on their hands.

PostIt notes can help you get organised. If you know certain things have to be done but you're not yet sure when they need to be done or who by, PostIts can help you be more flexible with them without worrying about losing track.

You know yourself best. Experiment and hone your system so it supports you.

Using NLP in your language (in a way that doesn't make you sound like a loon)

Before I trained in NLP, I was a bit wary. I'd heard of it being used in sales to get people to buy things and so on and just didn't like that idea.

Fortunately, it's not about mind control or anything sinister like that.

The idea of trance put me off until I realised that I'd been using trance language on myself - with negative effects - for much of my life unconsciously.

Have you ever told yourself "I can't, I'm fat / stupid / useless" or anything else that does the opposite of motivating you to take action that could change your situation?

That's a form of trance language - you say it so often and in such a resigned, believing way, before you know it, you're acting that way.

Wouldn't it be better to tell yourself, "Of course I can do it!" (and, naturally, follow up this thought with an action plan - thinking alone won't get it done)?

Get into the habit of noticing your instant reactions to things. Are you using trance language on yourself? When you are, is it helping you or making things worse?

Another tip is known as the double bind. A sales person might use it like this: "Would you like to buy the green or the red?" or "Would you like to book for Monday or Wednesday?"

Someone who has no intention of buying either isn't going to suddenly decide to go with the red or Wednesday but if someone is already ready to buy, this phrasing can help.

A parent might ask their child, "Would you like to go to bed now or in half an hour?"

And the child who has agreed to go to bed in half an hour rather than now will be far less resistant when the time has come.

Other common uses are to avoid the use of negatives like "Don't _____" The idea behind this is that our brains cannot process the instruction without first imagining doing the very thing they're being told not to. No smoking makes you think of smoking.

You may want to experiment with saying what you want the person to do instead. For example, "Could you speak more quietly please?" rather than "Don't shout." "I'd really appreciate your being on time" as opposed to "Don't be late" and so on.

"Try" is another word to avoid whenever possible (unless you're playing rugby). If you say, "I'll try", if you think about it, there's probably already a little part of you making an excuse.

If you commit to doing it, you put more energy behind your intention and make getting up at stupid o'clock for an early morning swim / run (or whatever you're psyching yourself up for) far more likely.

It'll take practice and vigilance (I just deleted a couple of instances where I'd suggested try right here and I've been practicing for years!) but it's worth it.

Do you ask for what you're worth at work?

How often have you asked for a pay raise at work?

If you work for yourself, do you charge what you're worth or too little?

When you have psyched yourself up to quote what you're worth or present reasons for being worth more to your company than you've been getting, how comfortable do you feel about it?

Do you think:

a) Sure, I wish they'd offered more without my having to ask but they know I'm worth every penny and I'm sure I'll get it. If not here, then somewhere else...

b) I feel so greedy. So many people have lost their jobs / I'm lucky to be working in a field I enjoy...

c) I hope this doesn't prompt them to fire me / never hire me again. And that they don't tell all their aquaintances how outrageous I was to ask...

Which person's attitude do you think would be most likely to get the new rates she or he hopes for?

How can you boost your own confidence more so you believe in your value to your employer / clients and customers?

Before going into that meeting / making that call / writing that email, can you boost your morale by reading testimonials, positive reviews, clients' comments and other things that remind you that you're great at your job?

If you worry "But I'm not great at my job", what specific areas could you use a revision course or extra training in? What would help you be better at your work?

What do your colleagues / bosses / clients / others you work with value most about you? If nothing springs to mind, can you ask a few trusted souls?

It may be that, on this occassion, you don't get more money. But by having raised it, your manager / client will know that you'd like more and when they next have budget meetings, they'll be more likely to allocate more for you in the future.

Even if you don't get more money, you'll be getting valuable feedback. Ask for specifics. What do you need to do to prove your worth? What kind of timeframe are they thinking of?

You may choose to look elsewhere but whatever you do, doing something is more empowering that just sitting at your desk wishing they'd recognise your worth without you having to point it out.

The confidence to be yourself

On Sadie's show today (to listen, please visit http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/radio/bbc_radio_essex/ and choose Friday, 19th February, noon to 2pm), things got quite controversial.

We had the most calls about Elton John's statement about Jesus being kind, intelligent and gay. Was this offensive to Christians?

My views seemed to be in the minority. When I was initially given the story to read, the only offence I felt was that David Furnish was referred to as Elton's "husband" (the quotation marks make it sound like it's not quite as real a relationship as the reporter's is or would be).

But as I thought about it, I became increasingly pleased on behalf of all the kids growing up (and adults who still fear this) being told that they would literally Go To Hell because of who they love.

On Ellen, Ellen Degeneres said something like "No one ever gives you a card or cake saying 'Good for you, you're gay!'" when her charater was struggling to come out. Apparently, after that episode wrapped, the crew and cast wheeled out an enormous cake saying "Good for you, you're gay!"

How can any kind of love be wrong?

We all need people to look up to. I'm no longer Catholic partly because there were so few women in the story (and those that were mentioned were either too saintly for me to even dream about emulating or, like my namesake, responsible for the downfall of humanity).

I'm Indian / Irish and remember being confused as a child by Jesus and Mary's blue eyes and blond hair. For the part of the world they were said to come from, surely they'd have been much darker?

Yet I understand the need for people in this part of the world to have rewritten history, as it were, and create images that reflected them so they could feel closer somehow.

My parents did their best to counter this kind of unconscious stereotyping (pale good, dark bad etc.) but seeing more mixed race role models around as I've got older (though I still sometimes feel like an oddity with the Indian Irish combo) has had a healthy impact on my own self esteem.

The idea that kids growing up confused about their sexuality (or sure about it but feeling that it isn't OK) and then being told that they're wrong hurts my heart.

I wish we could treat everyone with respect and try to see where people we don't understand are coming from. Having said that, I'm a little anxious in case this post and what I said on air offends any Christians. Not to mention potential offence caused to people of all the religions we didn't mention.

Whether you're a woman trying to break through a barrier at work, a stay at home father struggling to find acceptance at the school gate when or anyone not fully in the mainstream, I hope you'll find the confidence to keep on being you.

"To be natural is such a very difficult pose to keep up" - Oscar Wilde

I've heard of celebrated actors saying that they were painfully shy children and losing themselves in a role was a liberating experience.

But for many people, getting through life as themselves can feel like quite a performance.

How do you express who you are in the way you:

. dress?

. live?

. work?

. love?

. dance?

. sing?

. decorate your surroundings?

. cook?

. create?

What more could you do to be more naturally you?

"You don't have to teach a seed how to become a flower" Diana Whitmore

I love this quote. Whitmore explains that "Just as the seed of a flower contains the blueprint for the flower which the seed will become, and inherently knows how to become that flower, there is a similar knowing to be found in the depth of our humanity."

It reminds me a bit of a Kabbalah saying I heard ages ago. That every blade of grass has it's own angel whispering encouragement "grow, grow".

Are you allowing yourself to become the person you're meant to be or are you trying to fit into a life / job / relationship that goes against the grain?

Whitmore talks about the futility of an acorn trying to become a rose bush. Oak trees rock. Why would any acorn want to become anything else? And yet how often do we humans try to force ourselves into a different way of being?

When you think about your life, do any areas stick out as times you're trying to be anything other than yourself?

When do you feel most like yourself?

Who supports you in being you?

Who makes you feel like you're not good enough just the way you are?

Pay attention to the times when you try to change others, too.

Make simple changes with your shedule, friends and other areas so you spend more time just being you and being appreciated and accepted for that.

What do you do when you feel defeated?

"Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent." - Marilyn Vos Savant

I've been reading about Sophia Loren's early attempts to get a big break and she apparently failed several screen tests.

Whether you're feeling defeated in a quest for fame and fortune or if the simplest things in life feel overwhelming, take things one step at a time.

When you feel like giving up, take some deep breaths to centre yourself and ask yourself, if you could have anything, right now, to help you feel better, what would it be?

Will reaching out to someone help? Who can you phone / see / contact who can then help you pick yourself up again?

Maybe you need some time to wallow and regroup? Decide to give yourself some set time to really feel the defeat - an hour? 20 minutes? What memories of other defeats are coming up for you? Use a diary or just sit with it but let it all out.

Will distracting yourself help? Doing some exercise or taking yourself out of your head and into the cinema?

You always know what's best for you if you just allow yourself to get in touch with that part of yourself.

Don't dismiss things that feel like defeats but make sure you know that you don't have to let the situation become permanent.

CV being ignored? The CSI:NY response...

As a freelance journalist, I'm used to repitching feature ideas that have been rejected or ignored.

Sometimes, one I'd practically given up on finds a new lease of life with a title I've wanted to get into for ages. And sometimes, they continue to be rejected and ignored.

Either way, I've learned that sending out more ideas is the best way of handling it. Waiting for a response without taking other actions would be pretty depressing.

Still, I was amazed by the audacity of Sarah Carter's (Shark) character, Haylen, on CSI: NY. Having sent three CVs to the lab and hearing nothing back, she didn't think:

. they don't want me
. they have enough staff
. they've given the job to someone more qualified
. there's something I don't know about but I must not be right for the role

Fictional Haylen thought Obviously, they really want me but they just can't afford me. I know, I'll apply for government funding. That way, they can hire me and I'll get paid from someone else's budget...

I thought Mac might still decide against signing off on Haylen joining the team. (It's early days and while I've so far resisted reading future episode guides, it wouldn't surprise me if she turns out to be a stalker or some other kind of problem).

But she's joined.

In an unscientific poll, I've asked a few people how they'd handle their CV being ignored after sending it, three times, to their dream employer.

No one has suggested going over potential boss's head to apply for funding but maybe Haylen can inspire you to be a little more proactive (though maybe not quite so extreme)...

Do you shop to cheer yourself up?

According to a study from the University of Hertfordshire, 79% of women see shopping as a way to cheer themselves up. 40% said depression makes them spend.

But, as anyone who's ever had any debt knows, this cheer up strategy can cost more than just money - from sleepless nights worrying about paying off credit cards to relationship angst if you're keeping your spending from your partner.

Women aren't the only ones who spend money when they know they'd be better off saving.

Are you an emotional overspender?

Before heading for the checkout (in a shop or online), ask yourself what you're really trying to buy. Is it the item you're buying or the lifestyle you'd like to have?

If you're trying to buy into more than the actual thing you're buying, think of other things you can do instead.

Think about the way you feel when you decide to go shopping.

If you're physically going, what prompted you to walk into the shop? Were you walking past and saw something calling to you from inside? Did you set out deliberately to shop?

If shopping online, what were you doing before you ended up on your favourite online shopping site?

By getting to know your own triggers, you'll be better able to identify the times when you're trying to use shopping as a fix and when you're simply buying something that you need, want and can afford.

To help see your spending habits more clearly, start a log.

To begin with, note every single expense within minutes of making it (if you wait until the evening, you'll probably have forgotten a lot).

Then, once a week, take some time to review it.

No one's suggesting you stop spending altogether, but by shopping a bit more mindfully, you'll wind up much happier with the things you purchase.

How were you feeling when you bought ___?

Is there anything you now regret buying?

What could you have done instead to have a longer term (and cheaper) effect on your mood?

Penelope Cruz's Oscar

I read a lovely interview with Penelope Cruz in Stylist magazine.

Unlike all the stars who say they keep their Oscars hidden away / they never look at them / they've even forgotten where it is, Penelope says she moves it from room to room, trying to make a decision.

"I even took it to the beach one day! It's like being five when you finally get a toy you've been asking for!"

I love the idea of her enjoying her accomplishment. Allowing the success of the award to settle in every cell.

What do you do when you get something you've been working towards?

Do you immediately move on to the next thing or allow yourself some time to celebrate?

Rewards are very important as they offer you the chance to sit with the accomplishment of whatever you've just achieved.

Whether your reward is a cup of tea after decluttering a junk drawer, a night out after finishing a big assignment or even a holiday after a big project, remember that it's important to keep your word to yourself.

Can you imagine if you had a child and you promised that when they ____ you'd give them ____ and then you didn't keep your word?

When you've been very busy and working hard, taking a break can feel quite challenging but you owe it to yourself to let yourself breathe a bit before taking on your next challenge.

Whose hands is your life in?

"Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one is to blame" - Erica Jong

Is there an area of your life which would be perfect if only _________ would do _____?

Forget it. You know by now that the only person you can change is yourself.

How can you take more responsibility for this area of your life?

How can you remind yourself of all the resources you have instead of allowing yourself to feel helpless and out of control?

Acknowledging the power you have, day to day, to affect your own destiny will make you far happier than fixating on the things that you can't control.

Stephen Covey talks about the Circle of Concern (all the things you may worry about) and Circle of Influence (the things you can actually change or affect in some way).

Ideally, you can expand your Circle of Influence by taking more action around the things that concern you.

This may involved talking to people who can help with a situation too big to handle yourself. It might even writing to a politician or getting involved with a campaigning group to allow your voice to be heard.

Decide to take charge. Anytime you want to blame someone, get into the habit of thinking about the kind of action you'd like to take if you were in their situation as well as actions you can take in your own situation.

Have you heard of magical thinking?

When I first heard this expression, I thought it was a good thing, like the Law of Attraction squared.

But really, it's when we know what we want or need from a situation but instead of communicating openly with those in our lives, we wish they'd just understand.

Without us having to ask.

Remember the famous scene from The Break Up when Jennifer Aniston tells Vince Vaughn she wants him to want to do the washing up?

No one wants to wash up. (Although, as Monica, her old roomate in Friends, Courteney Cox Arquette seemed to.) Aniston's character probably didn't enjoy it (if she had, it wouldn't have been an issue).

How might she have communicated things in a way that would have been more likely to get him to respond in the way she hoped?

What are you refusing to ask for right now?

Are you sulking or holding back in some way because you feel let down that you're not getting it?

Whether you want your boss to offer you a pay rise (without actually putting your case forward or even letting her know you'd appreciate one) or your partner to do something, start thinking of ways you can be more direct.

Why I love telephone / Skype coaching

I've always preferred telephone coaching to face to face coaching.

Maybe it's just me but I feel I can somehow listen more deeply on the phone as well as being able to connect with clients who live further afield.

And it seems to allow my clients to dig that bit deeper. With face to face coaching, we're very aware of the surroundings and telephone coaching helps cut out some of those distractions.

They are also in control of their environment (and can make sure they make the call away from any noise or distractions).

Telephone coaching also allows much more flexibility and I'm able to offer more evening appointments than I ever could with face to face coaching.

With the wonders of the web (www.Skype.com), clients can call free using Skype and if they also have a webcam, can benefit from virtual face to face coaching without the hassle of travelling.


To find out more about my telephone / Skype coaching services, please visit www.applecoaching.com

Please tell me what you think of my new design website

You can visit it at www.applecoaching.com and tell me what you think by emailing or commenting on this blog (have now enabled comments).

Thanks in advance for all your comments and suggestions.

What makes you happy?

"Whenever you are sincerely pleased, you are nourished." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I saw a documentary about Prime Suspect a while ago and Lynda La Plant said she had to tell Helen Mirren to stop smiling.

Her point was that women smile much more than men as a way of putting others at their ease.

Strangers on the street rarely tell men, "Cheer up luv, it might never happen."

When you stop smiling as a cover up, you'll start noticing what naturally lifts your spirits.

What makes you grin from the inside out?

Let yourself start noticing the things that genuinely please you.

Walking past a sleeping baby being pushed gently by his or her caregiver? Watching funny clips on YouTube?

Do more that will bring you into contact with the people and things that make you smile.

And if someone tries to get you to smile when you Just Don't Feel Like It, consider growling at them. Even the thought of their reaction might make you genuinely feel better.

Do you censor yourself too much?

I was amused to read about Adam Slavick-Lennard (aka Sleep Talkin Man - www.sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com) last week.

His wife, Karen, sick of being woken up by his endless sleep chatter decided to start blogging. It's become so popular that they're thinking about book deals and talking to several papers.

At first, I felt mortified for Adam, having his sleep talk publicised. But then it made me laugh.

From "Vampire penguins? Zombie guinea pigs? We're done for.... done for" to "Don't... Don't put the noodles and the dumplings together in the boat. They'll fight! The noodles are bullies. Poor dumplings."

Think about the times when you hold back, bite your tongue and otherwise stop yourself from communicating.

It may be that far from judging what you have to say, people respond to your honesty and openess.

No one's suggesting you switch your own inner censor off completely but ask yourself if there are times when you - and others - would benefit from you speaking out more...

What are you waiting for? Give what you want to receive

A piece I wrote about thank you notes ages ago came out today (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1243065/Does-send-thank-letters-more.html) and I wondered, how many of the people who say they prefer handwritten thank you cards and notes send them to their friends, families and colleagues etc.?

Often, we want things that we don't then give.

Is there something you'd like more of in your life?

Rather than waiting for it, how can you find more ways to give it?

For example, if you wish your partner would listen to you more, ask yourself when you last gave him or her your full attention.

If you wish people would be more open and honest with you, ask yourself if you're keeping anything important from them (or even from yourself).

This will help you shift things and may even inspire the person / people you're frustrated with to reciprocate...

(Alternatively, you could take the radical approach and learn to ask directly for what you need).

Are you expecting too much from yourself?

"Our limitations, our imperfections, our mistakes... these do not reflect our inferiority but are part of being human" - Joan Sheingold Ditzion

Reading this made me exhale with a sense of "Of course!"

But in daily life, I often forget that no one expects perfection from me or anyone else.

Think about your Christmas. Did you plan things so carefully imagining a Nigella-esque version even though that's impossible for most of us?

This year (and beyond), how can you take some pressure of yourself and just smile when things don't go to plan?

How can you support yourself so you don't contort yourself trying to make things perfect at work, at home, in your relationships and so on?

Being human (with all the mistakes this means) is just right.

How do you handle conflict?

While I love coaching my clients and helping them assert themselves in their relationships, lives and at work, my default position is to do whatever I can to avoid any kind of conflict.

In spite of all my coaching and NLP training and experience (not to mention other trainings I've done like non-violent communication and my ongoing psychosynthesis course) I have to coach myself A Lot to psych myself up to having difficult conversations in my own life.

I worry endlessly about what people will think of my saying certain things. I often judge myself for even having certain feelings.

Although I've stopped letting this anxiety stop me expressing myself, I doubt I'll ever feel completely at ease with it.

So I was horrified to learn that one of the training exercises we'd be doing at college this weekend involved expressing things that someone else had done (over the year we've been working together) to upset us in some way.

The paranoid part of me worried that I'd have a big, long line of people queuing up to tell me all the things about me that annoyed them.

I was also terrified of talking to the only person I'd had an issue but knew that a healthy, well-adjusted soul would discuss and release it.

I ended up having two challening conversations but afterwards, felt amazing. I'd managed to express myself and hear the other person's words.

I feel much freer now. And also horrified by the amount of energy I've spent, over the years, doing everything possible to avoid conflict.

When listening to the instructions for the exercise, I felt physically sick. And this was around potential conflict with a fellow student.

Think of all the people you come across in your family, neighbourhood, friendship circle, work and so on where you know them so much better (and they seem to know exactly how to push your buttons).

If anyone's springing to mind for you, I hope you'll find these tips helpful:

. Get used to checking in with yourself. Are you upset about something? Acknowledge it to yourself

. Take some time to think about what buttons it's pushed for you. Why are you feeling so upset about it?

. What would you like to happen? If you could wave a magic wand and not have to actually express your negative emotions, what outcome would you want?

. Now start thinking about ways you can take physical steps (sadly, magic wands don't work but they're a great tool for freeing you up to acknowledge your impossible feeling dreams and hopes) to make this happen

. Do you need to talk to someone about something they've done?

. How can you focus on how whatever it is makes YOU feel? (The less blamey you are, the better they'll hear you)

. Can you imagine asking them for whatever you need them to do to help you?

. Can you respect their wishes if, for whatever reason, they can't give you what you need?

I can feel my anxiety levels rising as I type this imagining all the opportunities to practice I usually ignore.

But from now on, I'm going to aim to take as many opportunities as possible to improve all my relationships.

It may feel clumsy at first but think of toddlers learing to walk. They don't give up because they fall over the first (several) time.

Does snow make us more spontaneous?

When the whole country seems to come to a halt at the mere mention of snow (and then we actually get quite a lot), it forces me to be more spontaneous.

Normally, I'm a complete planner. I psych myself up to do things and then do them.

But snow means that the things we normally take for granted (even just walking to the station / nearest bus stop) can feel harder to predict.

No matter how much I may want to go swimming, I can't cycle the six mile roundtrip on icy roads (and it would take decades to walk).

If I make it up the hill without falling over (again) will trains and buses even be running?

Being self employed and working from home most of the time means I can be pretty flexible and rearrange snow-affected things while still getting a lot done.

If you're affected, what can you do to help you enjoy the snow days more?

How can you go with the flow?

For me, thinking about trekking all the way into college tomorrow (two hours each way on a good day) when there's the possibility it will be cancelled makes me feel completely unspontaneous again.

But taking time to make some snow angels after shovelling helps me to smile about it and experience the present rather than worrying about what might happen.

What kind of person are you becoming?

Do you remember Scarlett in Gone With the Wind (the novel more so than the film)? She endlessly wanted to be a Great Lady like her mother. But not yet.

Being a "great lady" meant being patient, kind and all sorts of things that are hard work. Scarlett wanted to live before becoming more like Melly and her mother.

In books, TV and film, characters are often portrayed as good or bad.

In shows like Buffy, Angel would suddenly switch from good to evil and it could have been life threatening for Buffy. Georgina (Buffy's Michelle Trachtenburg) in Gossip Girl seems to have a similarly On/Off switch for her entire personality.

I remember watching Dr Quinn and loving the way that different characters were likeable and unlikeable eopisode to episode. The "good" ones made mistakes and even the violent, awful ones had some redeeming qualities.

In real life, though, we make our choices moment by moment.

Whether to be honest and face the consequences or tell that little lie for convenience.

To be honest with our accounts or expenses rather than including something that doesn't belong there.

How can you make daily decisions that help you become the person you want to be?

Take action against fear

"I am no longer afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my own ship" - Louisa May Alcott

The author best known for her novel, Little Women, was quite a pioneer. Even though she lived in a time when women weren't supposed to work in most fields, let alone have their own dreams, she supported her family through her writing.

I love the idea of not being afraid of storms but worry that even if I knew how to sail, there'd still be all sorts of things I'd be scared of (I'm not great with the whole "letting go" and "trusting" yet).

Still, I love Louisa's advice. While I'll probably never sail the seven seas, there are all sorts of things I've learned about to help me feel less fearful in my day to day life.

A few years ago, I knew nothing about running my own business but I started my own coaching practice while launching myself as a freelance journalist and writer.

Five years on, while I think I was a bit crazy to do things in this way, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I learned what I could about making it work (taking lots of opportunities to build my tool kit with more training and so on) as I went along.

Now that I'm training as a psychosynthesis psychotherapist, I regularly feel way out of my depth. But I also know that, quite apart from counselling skills and practical applications, I'm learning stuff about myself and healing things I never thought could be healed and this will help me in ALL areas of life.

What "storms" do you fear in your life?

What kind of training could help alleviate some of your fears?

Who can you talk to about them? (Someone who has done what you're scared / excited about trying? Someone who'll support you as you make progress?)

Acknowledge the things you're afraid of and then take steps to storm proof your life as much as you can.

Once you feel confident that you've done whatever YOU can do, it will be that much easier to relax and trust that you can sail through the seas ahead...