If you do just one thing differently in 2009...

Before making any decision, make sure it’s right for you.

Take a few deep breaths and centre yourself.

Is your first reaction to grin and feel excited? Or is it a sinking feeling that fills you with dread?

As often as possible, make decisions based on that good feeling and you won’t go wrong.

This works for work, relationships, family, health, getting fit and even shopping.

Get into the habit of taking some deep breaths a few times a day and just asking yourself, “How do I feel right now?” for clues about what you’re already doing.

It's the simplest thing you can do to get yourself on the right path for you. Trust your gut and tune in regularly.

Happy New Year!

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

What's in a name?

I'm ridiculously pleased that my name is suddenly popular. According to the Guardian Top 100, (http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2008/dec/29/baby-names-list) Eve is #68 (Evie's #12!). I know it's silly to be so happy, but all through school, I was the only Eve (I think there was another a few years younger but don't remember properly). The only Eves I knew of were, well, the one who got blamed for absolutely everything (Adam always seemed to get off lightly - it wasn't his fault, he was tempted...).

Eve Ensler (http://www.vday.org) was the first "Eve" role model I had (a fantastic role model for anyone, I think) and by my 20s, I started growing into my name.

Is your name on this year's list?

Do you wish there were more people to share it with or do you wish you had a more unusual name? (The grass often seems greener.)

As we enter 2009, think about not just your name but who you are becoming. What do you want people to think of when they hear your name? (We all judge names by people we've known who've had them.)

How can you become more like the person you want to be? How can you become more yourself?

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

Whatever happens tomorrow, remember that everyone's doing their best

While Christmas can be wonderful (and I hope it will be for all of you), holidays can feel quite stressful.

If you find yourself biting your tongue or feel like screaming, take a moment to remind yourself that everyone is doing their best. (That includes the person who's offered you seconds repeatedly in spite of your saying "No, thank you but it was delicious", the person who hasn't let anyone else get a word in edgewise inspite of pained looks all around, the "joky" person who doesn't seem to realise how offensive he or she is being and so on...)

It's easy to feel frustrated and grouchy. Maybe you feel that the effort you've put into making Christmas wonderful for everyone isn't being appreciated. Or maybe you think everyone's making a big fuss over nothing.

Whatever your complaints, take a deep breath and remind yourself: Everyone is doing their best.

We only really know what's going on for ourselves. That jokey person may be desperately trying to put a smile on in spite of health or money worries. The person who keeps rejecting your food may have been told that if he or she doesn't reduce their cholesterol, 2009 will be filled with ill health. Do your best to not take other people's actions personally and remind yourself that we're all doing our best at any given moment. In other moments, that best can be better and others even worse, but cut everyone - and yourself - a little slack.

Just by keeping this in mind, you'll find the day much more enjoyable.

Wishing you all a fantastic Christmas and New Year!

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

"Feel good" films - watch what you watch

I watched Honey again this weekend and was pleased that it lived up to my memory of it as a delightfully uplifting film. The TV guide had only given it two stars but we're often at odds over film choices. This was about a choreographer's dreams for herself and her community.

Looking through the bumper issue, there are loads of delightful films and programmes coming up. And while I love certain murder and mayhem programmes (the CSIs, Without a Trace, Law & Order SVU, Bones, Medium... I'm sure I'll kick myself later for forgetting other favourites), it's good to have some life affirming fare mixed in, too.

As you plot your viewing, reading and listening for the holidays, ask yourself "Is this going to make me feel better about myself? Will it inspire me?"

Sometimes, you won't want to be uplifted. Just remind yourself that you have a choice - you can even switch off that mind-numbingly frustrating show and enjoy some peace and quiet.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

The horror of changing rooms

I used to regularly buy clothes without trying them on but, while I still hate changing rooms, have learned to live with it.

Yesterday, between meetings in London, I figured I'd take advantage of all the extended sales the news keeps reporting. My arms ached from all the dresses I was taking into the changing rooms (I only wanted one, but figured I'd try on lots).

And it was incredibly depressing.

Even though I spend most of my working hours focused on wellbeing and confidence (between my coaching practice and freelance writing), I was feeling very sorry for myself.

Nothing looked right. It all felt uncomfortable. And my head was filled with images of airbrushed models who'd have somehow transformed them into the most beautiful dresses ever.

Later on, I popped into a much smaller branch and found the perfect dress without trying it on. Fortunately, it fits but I also realise that all the terrible attempts earlier in the day gave me a better idea of my body shape (from all imaginable angles).

Moral of the story? I could do all my shopping online and order two sizes sending the least flattering ones back (but the idea of lugging rejects all the way to the Post Office since my local one's closed...)

Or I could recreate the feeling I had when I walked into the smaller store and made the successful purchase. It wasn't crowded so I didn't feel headachy and disoriented from the minute I walked in. And I was feeling good after a really enjoyable meeting.

Some women (apparently) love shopping. I doubt I'll ever be one of them but am very pleased with my new dress...

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

Everyone's talking - must be about me

The final episode of Brothers & Sisters (S2) made me laugh. Both Saul and Kevin walked into a tense looking room and automatically assumed that everyone was talking about them.

Have you ever done that? Blurted out something that was still safely a secret because it was so prominent in your mind you assumed everyone else knew?

With party season in full swing, walking into crowded rooms where everyone's talking is pretty normal. What will help you feel more relaxed?

. when you arrive, assess the situation. Don't immediately feel you have to contribute to a conversation you've not been part of. Listen until you feel caught up then take it from there.

. if you're really nervous, think about meeting a friend (or even stranger) beforehand. I've done this a few times this year with work events and it's made a huge difference to my enjoyment of the parties. I always spoke to people when I arrived alone but, by arriving with others, I was able to invite people who looked like they were on their own to join us.

. wear something you feel comfortable in. Will your party outfit see you through the whole night (from walking to stations / being stuck in traffic on icy roads / dancing / standing up for hours...)?

. Pick and choose the invites you accept. Go to the ones you feel good about. Not sure? Pick up that invitation again / open the email and check in with yourself. Does your heart sink or excitement bubble?

Have fun!

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

What's the biggest energy drain in your life right now?

According to the results of my recent poll, 23% dislike saying "no", 11% don't prioritise getting enough rest / me time / exercise / good food, 8% blame negative people, 44% procrastinate and a mere 6% have all the energy they need.

I think that's fantastic for the energetic 6% but suspect that most of us find life draining occassionally. And, at this time of year, it can feel even worse.

Long queues at the Post Office trying to mail parcels, rushing to meet many work deadlines before people wind down for the bank holidays, trying to keep presents hidden from curious children...

But once you've identified your biggest energy drain, you can plan around it. Make your daily run / swim / yoga practice / walk / meditation a priority. Ensure that nutritious food is more accessible than junk food that leaves you feeling worse afterwards. If you can't sleep in, go to bed earlier or squeeze in an afternoon nap. Do something purely for yourself at least once a day.

If negative people are getting you down, change your response to them (I know, I know - it sounds so easy but it can be soooo infuriating!). Practice. Laugh off their grumpiness as you might with a small toddler tantruming. Don't let it attack your wellbeing.

If you're procrastinating, ask yourself why. Presumably, there are some things that always get done on time (feeding yourself / your family / your pets? Certain deadlines?) - what do they have in common? Is it because that particular boss / child / pet is so demanding?

How can you prioritise your own goals?

Rethink your energy drains and let them guide you into new, better habits.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Does it feel safe to be you?

As the old saying goes, "What other people think of me is none of my business!"

But sometimes I struggle to walk the walk with my confidence coaching. I don't always feel confident but I've learned how to help myself feel better when needed.

Lately, I've been in a number of positions where I've needed to trust that it's OK to be me and that my thoughts, feelings and opinions are safe to share. I've been a regular panelist on BBC Essex's Loud Women for over a year now and am definitely becoming more opinionated as a result (to hear Saturday's show, you can use the link on http://www.applecoaching.com/).

I've also found myself writing more personal features as well as my regular journalism (http://www.articlesbyevemenezescunningham.co.uk/). Even though my Session Summaries and Action Plans are about my clients, I've noticed that they've become much more direct over the years I've been coaching. This blog and my newsletter have become more personal, too.

While some people unsubscribe (sob), most of the feedback I get is positive and encouraging. These are the subscribers I keep in mind when writing future pieces.

Do you ever feel that it's not safe to be yourself? Maybe you're completely yourself at work but censor yourself around your partner's friends? Or perhaps visiting your family immediately takes you back to a time when you felt you couldn't talk to anyone?

By becoming aware of the people you feel safest around (even when you're disagreeing, you know that your essence is loved and accepted), you'll be better able to recreate this feeling in all areas of your life.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

Gentle pushes

Have you ever pushed yourself so far out of your comfort zone that you've scuttled back in and stayed stuck for ages?

Think about something you want to accomplish. It might be to do with work, a relationship, a long held (but potentially buried) dream...?

How can you break it down into steps so manageable you'll want to get started right away? Say, for example, your goal was to start a successful new business, initial steps might include:

• getting in touch with your local business link to find out about available resources
• finding out about similar businesses in your area
• figuring out what would make your product or service different and better
• perfecting your product or service with practice / extra training etc.
• reading about business and your chosen industry

Depending on how long you've been thinking about your own dream, you'll be at different stages. For some people, choosing a business related book from their local library and checking it out might feel quite daunting as they'd not dared admit, even to themselves, that this is something that they want to do.

For others, they might leap straight in with market research and business plans.

Know yourself and work with, rather than against, your personalility. For long term progress, you're much better off taking small, regular steps in the right direction that leaping too far too fast and scaring yourself back into old habits.

Whether your goal is to launch a business, write a book, start dating again or lose weight, break it down, take it slow and be kind to yourself.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

If only life could be a dvd

I'm terrible with suspense. If I'm waiting to hear about something important to me, I've learned to get on with other things and stay active but each time I think about the incoming verdict, wish I could fast forward.

I guess it started when I was little and couldn't handle the Nancy Drew cliffhangers. Even though I might be on book 13 out of hundreds, I'd worry she was going to die so would always flip forward to check that she was alive and well at the end. I still read enough of the end of books (not whole paragraphs but checking for certain names etc.) to reassure me as I progress. This makes more sense with the suspense filled Kathy Reichs, Sue Grafton, Janet Evanovich and Sara Paretsky but I do it with biographies, too. Autobiographies are a bit easier (they lived to tell the tale) but...

And when they finish a TV series with a cliffhanger, I regularly check online for episode guides (US sites normally have them up in advance) to check who's still alive and OK. "Spoiler alerts", they call them yet they enable me to enjoy what's coming without too much concern for all the fictional characters.

I'm an extreme case but can you think of areas in your life where suspense spoils things for you? How can you learn to enjoy it more? OK, if not enjoy it, manage it?

What else could you do so you're not waiting by the phone / letterbox / email?

Are there certain programmes and films you can watch with ease while others are too tense with suspense?

Think about the things that make you feel most anxious. What message might these storylines have for your own life?

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Try something new today

I love to try new things, generally, in most areas of life and food.

Apart from when it comes to yoghurt.

For some reason, I've only ever been able to eat strawberry yoghurt (occassionally raspberry) and, with all the new ad campaigns going on about the nutritional benefits, have been eating a mini pot a day.

So, becoming a bit bored with strawberry but apprehensive about not liking my new choice, I decided to branch out. Just with a four-pack. And strawberry and rhubarb made a delish trifle so maybe...

And I'm happy to report that it was lovely.

While I'm no freegan (the adventurous souls who forage for food in skips and generally have an incredibly varied diet of fresh produce as a result), it felt quite liberating.

Can you think of something you always choose by default? It may be in your shopping list (or maybe you wing it without a list but still buy the same things over and over) or places you visit on holiday, the kind of person you befriend or date, exercise plans... What might happen if you tried something new?

Start small with something (like yoghurt) where the risk factor is pretty low. Who knows what you'll build up to!

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Addiction or assistance?

Do you ever leave home without your BlackBerry / mobile? Are they ever switched off? Do you make time for friends you don't work with?

I was planning for this to be very "coachy" but realised today that I need to pay attention to my own advice.

I'd been feeling smug (I rarely turn my little pay-as-you-go mobile on unless I'm meeting someone or checking my landline for messages) but then I realised how much I depend on my BlackBerry.

I'll be going to Kenya for a couple of weeks in March and am already stressing about potential reception problems. The idea of being uncontactable by clients and potential clients for two whole weeks makes me consider not going. I'd only check it once or twice a day!

While I'm nowhere near as bad as the woman who took her BlackBerry in with her to the delivery room while she was in labour, the idea of life (well, work) without it is uncomfortable.

Can you think of anything that's made the transition from assistance to addiction in your life or work?

If you're concerned (or if people close to you think you should be), experiment with weaning yourself off. If you normally check for messages several times each evening and throughout the weekend, set times to do so to keep yourself, rather than the labour saving device, in control.

Spend some time, each day, when you're only answerable to yourself. How does that feel? Liberatingly untethered or anxious?

I'd love to hear about it.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Do talk to strangers this World Hello Day

Hello!

Do you make eye contact with strangers as you cross their paths during your day? I remember a friend teaching me how to look just above people's heads to avoid all eye contact (and falling over from looking at the ground) when I was a kid and I thought it was the most brilliant thing ever.

More recently, I've been unlearning this and often smile at strangers. This morning, even before remembering that today is World Hello Day, I started conversations with several strangers at my new yoga class.

I had a mini conversation at the checkout when I was buying milk and said a winded pitiful "Hello" to a couple of complete strangers who were giving me strange looks as I cycled slowly uphill. (One smiled back but the other looked quite alarmed.)

Personally speaking, I find it much easier to open up to potential conversations when I'm feeling relaxed and good about life in general. If I'm anxious or stressed, my reflex is to keep people at a distance.

Are you happy to talk to anyone anytime? If you're less likely to say "hello" to a stranger, might knowing that it could be helping bring about world peace (www.worldhelloday.org) make you more likely to overcome your natural reserve?

I'd love to hear how you get on (eve@applecoaching.com)...

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Running on empty?

Last week, I noticed that my video remote wasn't working properly. I had to keep getting up to press the relevant buttons on the actual machine (outrageous!). After a while, I had the blinding idea of changing the batteries to see if that might help.

It made such a difference, I was really impressed. From getting to the point where I was wondering where I'd be able to buy a new video when I needed to replace it (does anywhere even sell them anymore?), it was good as new.

So it felt like an added bonus that this was my first weekend completely off in ages. It's so obvious that we humans need downtime. Not vegging in front of the TV (although that can be great, too) but actual "flow" time to help us recharge. Whether that involves reading something engrossing, painting, playing music, walking or something completely different is up to you.

Yet so few people make it a priority. When did you last give yourself any length of time off just for you? If you can't schedule in a whole day, make it an hour. Go with the flow and keep checking in with yourself: What do you feel like doing right now?

It'll be worth it.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

How personally do you take things?

Even if you're the type of person feels responsible for absolutely everything, you can still learn to distance yourself. (As an "Eve" who was raised as a Catholic, I used to take on far more than my fair share of guilt.)

So instead of thinking that there's nothing you can do to change things, start thinking about the times when you notice it most.

Are you prone to oversensitivity when an issue has to do with your work? Family? Relationships? Or maybe any mention of your children is potentially explosive?

Start paying attention to any criticism (real, implied or even imagined) that you feel. Take a step back (emotionally if you can't do it physically) and simply ask yourself:

1) Does the person criticising have their own agenda which has absolutely nothing to do with me?

2) Is this something I feel that needs work?

3) Have other people ever said anything similar? (Even if this is the case, it's possible that they all had an agenda)

I'm not suggesting you ignore people's attempts to help you when that's what they're doing. But stop letting people's opinions run your life. As the old saying goes: "What other people think of me is none of my business".

By questioning criticism before absorbing it and deciding whether or not you choose to take it on board, you're immediately taking the sting out of it. And even if you decide to act on it, you'll be in a much stronger position.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Committing to change

I was on Loud Women again this weekend and, naturally, there was a lot of talk about the election (to listen, please click http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/mainframe.shtml?http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/essex.shtml and choose Saturday Lunchtime).

As my personal high has begun to wear off (who am I kidding? I'm still beaming everytime I think about it!), I've become increasingly impressed by the fact that so many voters (whoever they chose to vote for) queued for hours and hours.

Being a woman, I've always been more aware of the struggle to get the vote so I've never not voted, but, in recent years, I've done this by post. Before that, going to my local polling station may have involved a 1/2 hour queue but hours and hours? I can't imagine it.

Still, any kind of change needs a concerted effort. If you want to improve your relationship or work, eating habits or fitness, general wellbeing or confidence, there's no point just saying you want to make a change.

How can you commit to making it happen? What do you need to start doing differently every single day?

It's often tempting to pick the easy option but it will be worth the effort when you truly commit to the life and work you want and start seeing those results.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Simple things to make you feel better

There's something very comforting and confidence boosting about doing things you don't usually do in order to take better care of yourself.

I recently piled up all my clothes that needed buttons to be sewed back on (not that many - five buttons in total) and just sat down and did it while listening to some nice music.

It gave me a real sense of satisfaction. And the previous energy drain (everytime I'd spotted each item, I'd thought, "Oh, I really ought to ____") was replaced with a little sense of pride.

And, not being a natural seamstress (I know, sewing buttons on is hardly designing my own evening wear collection), I felt pleased that the thread held!

Do you remember Nicole Kidman's character in Cold Mountain? She'd been bred (I think they called it breeding then) to do aesthetically pleasing things like flower arranging, embroidery and singing. But she couldn't grow her own food or do anything practical.

Renee Zellweger's character helped her learn to fend for herself more and function in the real world.

We're very fortunate in this part of the world and time in history. In spite of the "current economic climate", it's likely that, as you read this, you have access to safe drinking water, food and shelter. That when you don't let worries spiral, you realise that, actually, most if not all of your basic needs are being met.

So instead of focusing on and worrying about the markets and other things you probably don't have a huge deal of say over, think about how you can make things that bit better.

Learning or doing simple things to take care of yourself and the things you already own can be a nice boost.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

Psychosynthesis - stripping away everything that's holding you back and letting you shine

I love helping my coaching clients feel better about themselves. But sometimes, people need to delve that bit deeper and therapy is a better option.

The best description I've heard so far is that therapy helps people move from not OK to fine. Coaching takes them from OK to extraordinary.

Some people can benefit from both - coaching to help with areas that need improvement and therapy to help eradicate pain from the past.

I recently started training as a psychosynthesis psychotherapist (www.psychosynthesis.edu) and completed the Essentials Course last night.

I'm really looking forward to sharing some of the techniques I learned with my coaching clients (as appropriate - I won't be qualified as a counsellor for three years and a psychotherapist for five).

The Essentials Course is open to everyone (you don't have to want to become a counsellor or psychotherapist) and is, frankly, amazing.

If you're feeling stuck and would like to strip away pain, baggage, doubt and any other negative pattern that's attached itself to you over your lifetime, give it a go.

I've been using coaching techniques on myself as well as my clients for years. I love knowing how to help myself and my clients psych ourselves up to do pretty much anything. But after this five day psychosynthesis course, I'm left with an inner glow that feels effortless (no psyching up required).

All I need to do now is stay open to it...

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

What's next? Botox for babies?

I'm so bored of all the ads I see daily featuring beautiful women apparently moaning about invisble (airbrushed out) wrinkles.

Life's short. Why waste so much of it worrying about things that, in the grand scheme of things, really don't matter?

Part of me would love to see an baby in a similar ad. If we saw a beautiful baby bemoaning her or his wrinkly skin / baby fat, we'd recognise it as ludicrous. Maybe we'd even stop being so hard on ourselves...

Yet we seem to believe that these adult models (many of them accomplished actors) have nothing better to do than long for younger looking skin?

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

Could your insecurity be ruining things for you?

I logged on happily this morning and was mortified to see that I'd let someone down yesterday. We'd arranged to meet up and I had it down for next week and she had it down for yesterday.

I phoned immediately to explain and apologise but it got me thinking. Because she emailed a friendly, concerned message over, I was made aware immediately and able to sort things out.

Other, less secure people (and I'd have done the same until relatively recently!!) might have thought "S/he hates me. Fine. Never mind."

Even though I'm disappointed to have missed out yesterday afternoon, I know we'll meet again another time.

A more extreme example of this (albeit from Home & Away) was a guy who thought he'd been jilted on his wedding day. His response was to turn off his mobile and leave town to drown his sorrows. When he found out that his bride had actually been held hostage (and thoughts of her beloved had helped her through the ordeal - not quite sure how he did find out as he'd been uncontactable, but hey, that's the beauty of Home & Away), he came back. Now she's feeling hurt and betrayed because he'd immediately hooked up with another woman.

Are you the kind of person who generally feels ok about yourself?

Who, if someone lets you down, feels able to call them to find out what happened?

Or do you expect to be let down at some level so retreat emotionally whenever you feel this is happening?

Who would you prefer to be friends with? Someone so needy that they need endless reassurance or someone who knows they're OK (fab, even) and figure that other people know that too?

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

How do other people see you?

I was surprised and flattered when a fairly new friend told me that I'm calm. A lot of the time, I feel very shaky but I've learned to cover it up as I've got older. And I no longer let feeling wobbly stop me doing anything.

Naturally, I pointed out how I don't feel calm a lot of the time and how I often have to psych myself up to do things.

Still, it was a lovely ego boost.

Is there a quality you work hard at projecting? Maybe (like, me, apparently), while you've been faking it, you've actually started to make it!!

Ask someone you know and trust how you come across in certain situations and you'll probably be happily surprised. Most of us judge ourselves far more harshly than we do strangers and friends.

Start seeing yourself through others' more gentle eyes more and it will become easier to grow into the kind of person you want to be.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Ever had a day when everything feels like too much effort?

If you can give yourself a break, do. You might feel like "Oh, but I need to finish..." but sometimes, a short break can be all you need to re-energise you.

Go for a short walk or have a stretch.

Taking yourself away from whatever you're struggling with, think about what you're resisting. Are you trying to do too much? How can you break it down into smaller chunks? Are there other things you need to do that feel more appealing? Swap tasks and give yourself a boost by ticking something else off your list.

Think of a reward for when you've finished it. Maybe a biscuit or phoning a friend or even watching your favourite programme. Promise yourself that it will be worth it and use a combination of carrot and stick approaches to get yourself through the apathy...

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Stop being so apologetic

Have you noticed how the people who really should apologise for their behaviour never do? I'm not suggesting you start trampling over people to get what you want but do stop apologising for nothing.

Respect yourself.

If it feels too difficult, replace the automatic "Sorry" with a "Thank you" - this works well if you're apologising to lots of people getting up to let you through at the cinema / theatre / rugby.

When I you most apology-prone?

What phrases can you start using instead of sorry in the future? Practice at home alone so it's more natural.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Photoshoot coverups

Most of us know that most photos we see are retouched but I had no idea how intensive this process was until I watched Alesha Dixon's programme the other day.

I'd not heard of her before and admit that I thought it was a publicity stunt to land a cover she'd not normally get. But the programme was great. She was open and honest about her mixed feelings.

I knew that these images affect girls' (and grown women's) self esteem (http://www.articlesbyevemenezescunningham.co.uk/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/naturalhealthgrowingpains.pdf) but watching those media savvy teens' little faces falls as they realised the extent was even sadder than hearing the small children criticise their adorable little selves.

Ms Dixon took part in a poll where voters chose the digitally enhanced photos and she said "It's a good thing I have inner confidence!"

Still, she took off her makeup on camera (revealing that underneath the makeup, she's still stunning). And with the untouched cover, the picture editors still highlighted all the flaws they saw even though they weren't going to hide them.

What chance do women have when it seems that everyone from photographers and the photo subjects, picture editors, columnists and readers take delight in highlighting other women's imperfections?

I was reminded of Charlize Theron's comments about being considered "brave" for going against the pretty role route expected of her and it does seem odd that in 2008, while men are admired for all sorts of activities, going without makeup is heroic for women.

I prefer Elizabeth Wurtzel's encouragement to be glad that as mere mortals (as opposed to fashion models), we get to be seen in 3D. We are generally viewed in real life so laugh/sing/have fun!

Don't wait for permission to feel good about the way you look. As Ms Wurtzel says, "I myself believe that I am about ten times prettier than I actually am. By dint of sheer will power, I have managed to convince many people of this."

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Quick experiment / excuse to eat chocolate

If you're not already convinced that you're more likely to achieve your goals when you're feeling good about yourself and confident in your ability to do so, try this quick experiment.

1) Fill a small bowl with Minstrels / Peanut M&Ms / Malteasers or any other chocolates that are similarly sized (raisins just don't seem to work so well).

2) Throw them into the air, one at a time and catch them in your mouth.

Observe your thoughts as you do this. As well as "Mmm, this is delicious!" you'll quickly notice that when you anticipate failure, you miss your mouth. It's as if your body knows the second you doubt yourself and then proves you right.

Even if you think you fully intend to catch it, there'll be times when you miss and you'll know that you sabotaged yourself (not throwing high enough, moving away at the last minute etc.)

As you build up confidence in the chocolate catching arena, think about things in your daily life that you're maybe not being confident enough about.

What would you do differently if you knew that there was no way you could fail?

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

"I haven't done any of the things I meant to do today"

Have you ever had one of those days when instead of checking things off your To Do list, you find yourself spending hours on something completely different?

If it happens a lot, think about reprioritising your time so you get the important things done instead of wasting time with things that, ultimately, don't make a difference.

But if it's occasional, just give yourself a break. Cross off all the items unchecked and reschedule them for tomorrow or over the coming few days.

Then make a whole new list to honour all the things you did accomplish when you'd come off course a bit.

By reminding yourself that you weren't wasting the time, you'll feel much better and able to either take a break or focus on what you consider to be the most important items.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

Accepting yourself as you are

I watched Penelope (starring Christina Ricci, Reese Witherspoon and James McAvoy) the other day and cried three separate times at its sweet message.

If you don't know the story, Penelope has been born with the snout of a pig due to an ancient family curse and her well-meaning parents have hidden her away to protect her. But after seeing one too many potential suiters flee in terror when she reveals her face, Penelope decides enough is enough and goes out (hiding behind a scarf) to explore.

I don't want to give the ending away but highly recommend this delightful fairy tale for anyone wanting to remind their children (or themselves) that there is so much more to everybody than the way we look.

What could you start accepting about yourself right now to make life so much better? Your weight (as it is right now)? Hair (style / thickness / colour)? Skin?

Next time you start mentally ripping into this poor part of you, take a closer look and appreciate it.

When you stop being your own worst critic, you'll find stress related eating / spots etc. will diminish and because you'll know there's so much more to you that this "flaw", you'll lose the hangup and be free.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

Watch your language

Not the obvious, but think about the way you explain things to yourself and others. Do you ever say or think things like:

"I always get..."
"then ____ happened..."
"I have to..."

The person saying these things sounds like she or he has absolutely no control over her life.

When you start making your language more active ("I did this...", "I choose to..." and so on), you'll remind yourself that you're in control of your life.

If something's not panning out (passive, again) the way you'd like, think of what you can actively do to make a happier outcome more likely.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

decadent day off

I qualified as an NLP Master Practitioner (INLPTA) on Sunday after nearly a year of training and coursework. Having spent so many weekends working on this and other coaching and writing work, I decided to give myself a day off to celebrate (it's what I get my clients to do, but I completely understand it feeling challenging).

Because I knew I would end up working if I stayed at home and had a pyjama day, I went into London to visit the batting cages at Northwick Park. They're the only ones in the UK and, being 32 rather than, say, 12, it felt ridiculously indulgent to travel all the way across London from Essex, not for a work related meeting or even to meet a friend but to play baseball.

It was completely worth it!!!

I then enjoyed some dim sum and browsed in a stationery superstore (I'll be starting my psychotherapy training next month - any excuse, really) and even walked a little in some woods in London before heading home to change into my pjs, eat chocolates and watch a dvd.

Sure, I checked my BlackBerry for emails at intervals during the day and did the same with voicemail, but it was a decadent day off.

And already, today, I've felt the benefits.

Julia Cameron (author of The Artist's Way and others) recommeds "artist's dates" on a regular basis. She suggests walks in nature, trips to galleries and museums and other soul inspiring activities.

While baseball batting cages probably aren't on her list, it worked for me. I'm definitely going to schedule in soul days on a more regular basis and wake up and let myself do whatever I feel guided to do (matinee cinema? theatre? sea side?).

What would be on your list of things to do if your only criteria was pleasing yourself? How can you make more time to fit this nurturing activities into your life?

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

Low risk ways to handle fear of failure

Many of my clients worry about failure. Some find it so unacceptable, they refuse (at first) to put themselves in any circumstance that may include failure of any kind.

If you feel like this, treat overcoming your fear of failure as you would a goal you were working towards. Break down a big fear (humiliating yourself in front of the entire board during a presentation or meeting at work) into smaller steps until you have a low risk option you can practice (maybe introducing yourself to a neighbour you've never spoken to).

Practice taking chances in low risk ways. If you always watch rom coms or action adventures, experiment with foreign films or thrillers. If you always order the same thing from your favourite takeaway, try something different from their menu. Or try a different takeaway place.

What low risk ways can you think of to help you experiment more and, ultimately, fear failure far less?

1)

2)

3)

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

"Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave." ~ Mary Tyler Moore

I love the idea of practicing bravery. Even if you don't see yourself as brave in any area of your life, chances are, someone else admires you. You probably know people who stay (mainly) positive even when everything around them seems to be collapsing, people who, after painful break-ups, dust their hearts off and launch into a new relationship, entrepreneurs who want to share their love of a particular kind of work with the world and many other people who demonstrate bravery on a daily basis.

What area of your life would benefit most from your practising bravery? You probably already know the answer. But if you're really stuck, ask a friend if there's anything they notice about the way you live your life where you could maybe play things less safely.

Mistakes help us learn what doesn't work and also show us that it's safe to fail. You've probably heard the old story about the toddler who stood up, took a few steps, fell flat on her face and said "Right, that's it. I'm never doing that again!"

Obviously, that would be a ridiculous approach to life but we often trap ourselves with similar thoughts. Start identifying small steps that may fail but that will also help you grow into the you you want to become...

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

Choose happiness

I know a few people who seem to believe that being miserable somehow makes them "better" or more intelligent that happy people. But no one is either / or. Sure, a lot is down to temperament, but anyone can choose to become happier.

Think about the things you're focusing your attention on. If you're feeling down, is watching the sensationalised news going to make you feel better or might it increase your feelings of helplessness and despair?

Are there people in your life who literally suck the life right out of you? Known as "energy vampires" they get away with it because you let them. For some people, ending relationships and friendships feels necessary but in most situations, you just have to set new boundaries.

Next time conversation shifts to criticism (of you or the world in general), experiment with phrases that let them know you're no longer willing to take on their misery and judgement.

It will take a concerted effort on your part but keep going and you'll find your happiness muscles get stronger every day...

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Celebrate

It's my 4th business birthday tomorrow. For months, I've had the day marked as "celebrate!!"

But now, due to deadlines and appointments, I won't be taking the whole day off. Still, I'm definitely going to mark this. Rushing from one target / deadline / client to the next without ever stopping to (cheesy as it sounds) appreciate life can lead to burnout.

When was the last time you rewarded your efforts with some time out? Think about the coming week. What's your biggest project? How can you incorporate some celebration time into your schedule to reward yourself when you complete it?

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Would you lie about your age? (Psychologies magazine, October 2009)

I took part in a debate for Psychologies magazine (October 2008) about lying about your age. To read the full feature, please click here http://www.articlesbyevemenezescunningham.co.uk/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/psychologiesage.pdf

Personally speaking, I don't really understand why anyone would want to. I'm 32 and, when people have assumed I'm younger, instead of being flattered, I've felt a surge of relief that I've got through the age they thought I was and I don't have to repeat anything. I figure the older we get (assuming we still have our health), the better we know ourselves and what works for us. We can create the kind of life that will suit us.

I also think that looking older is a natural part of life from the moment we're born so I'd much rather put my energy into living than "fighting age" - a losing and pointless battle. I look forward to getting older. I admire women and men who become more confident in themselves with each passing year. (When I recently bought a new foundation, I found it quite frustrating trying to wade through all the anti aging options when I just wanted a basic foundation with as few chemicals as possible.)

Then again, the work I do (writing and confidence coaching) isn't dependent on my looks. Perhaps if I worked in an industry where I routinely saw younger women getting the limited opportunities while older women vanished, I'd be more tempted. I have grown up very aware of the discrepancy between women aging and men aging (e.g. knowing that Tom Hanks and Sally Field played each other's love interests in Punch Line only for her to be cast as his mother shortly afterwards in Forrest Gump).

Lying about your age can make you look older. I recently saw an actor I thought I recognised from my year at school in a magazine. She had the same name and looked like the same person but was claiming to be 28. I mentioned it to another old school friend and she laughed at me saying it was her but that she was lying about her age. She's a beautiful woman of 32 but by saying she's 28, she's putting an awful lot of pressure on herself to look younger. Then again, she might not have been cast if they'd known her real age.

With a potential partner, boss or even stranger, I'd much rather focus on things other than my age. I don't think I'd be judging other people based on how old I thought they looked. The way people behave is much more important. And I can think of countless women who are amazing role models for aging powerfully and gracefully (becoming more and more themselves and no longer worrying so much about what the world might be thinking about them).

If someone were to meet a potential partner, future boss or even stranger and they lied about their age, I imagine they'd spend much more energy (and create lots of extra stress) trying to keep up the act rather than focusing on being good at their job or a good partner.

If you're concerned about aging and wanted to lie about it, ask yourself why.

What benefit do you think lying will give you?

How else might you create that same benefit without being dishonest?

So if a client was worried about looking older than they were, we could look into the kind of lifestyle choices they were making and see how different choices would make them happier and, as a by-product, take years off.

Or if they were worried about health, I'd find out what specifically was bothering them and how they could strengthen their body in the meantime to make, e.g. osteoporosis, less like (join a gym, do yoga and other weight bearing exercises, get more calcium and vitamin d etc.).

Everyone has different reasons for things and while many people might feel compelled to lie about their ages, dig deeper. Why would you prefer people to think you are that age? What does your current age prevent you from doing? How else can you get around it without acting as if the year on your birth certificate is something you've done wrong, somehow?

The anti-aging industry is so powerful, people assume that every woman wants to look younger (not true). So, for someone who wants to meet a man and is being paired up with septogenarians when they're decades younger, ask yourself what kind of man you would like to meet and where you're most likely to meet someone like that. Don't let a sexist / age-ist agency make you feel bad when you've got absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about.

You can sign up for weekly Be Confident from your Core tips straight to your inbox at http://www.applecoaching.com/. And if you'd like to read previous newsletters, they're now available online at http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs075/1101656191861/archive/1102226859836.html

Secret ambitions

Someone asked me today if I'd ever had a secret ambition. I promptly answered that I'd love to be a rock star like Alicia Keys or James Hetfield (Metallica) but currently only sing out loud when I know for a fact that all my neighbours are out.

My other secret ambition (to be a writer) is how I make my living (writing and coaching since 2004) so that feels great.

I love the question. A secret ambition. A completely free pass for another aspect of your personality to grow and develop...

What's your secret ambition?

Can you imagine ever making it a reality? (I coached myself into my freelance writing career after training as a life coach.)

Or is it something you're happy to just smile when you contemplate it? (I wouldn't really want to be a rock star. I just love the idea of being that kind of extraverted soul.)

What can you start doing to bring your secret ambition to life? (E.g. singing at the top of your lungs when you have the privacy and space / brushing up on your science to see if it's worth training to be a doctor / doing a short run to see if you can imagine yourself training hard enough to complete a marathon?)

I'd love to hear how you get on. You can email me at eve@applecoaching.com

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Are you a highly sensitive person?

Since I was little, I've occassionally been called things like "over-sensitive", "very emotional" and other labels that make me sound anxious and neurotic.

Through my training and experience as a coach (and, as I've got older) I've learned more and more ways to handle it. There are all sorts of ways to make things fun instead of feeling like life's an endurance test.

I'll still cry at anything: music that sounds so amazing tears stream down my face, a lovely film, walking past a book in a library or bookstore that made me cry when I read it, something really sad on Home & Away (I know, the fact that I still watch it is pretty sad in itself), even reading the name Rachel Corrie sets me off again.

I'm also extremely sensitive to noise, smells, tastes, light etc. So when I heard about the Highly Sensitive Person (do the test here), I breathed a sigh of relief.

Now, when the endless sounds of the ice cream van (it's raining, the nieghbourhood kids are on holiday, no one's coming out!!!) make me want to scream, I can shrug and remind myself that it's nothing personal.

And that an early night and scheduling in more breaks and "me time" will make me less cranky.

What can you do for yourself to counter sensory overload in your life or work?

1)

2)

3)

Remind yourself that you're in charge of your own life and that there are always things you can do (even if that means wearing earplugs or shades in January).

(c) Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Stop trying to fit the wrong mould

Jennifer Lopez told Easy Living magazine that she remembered an early manager telling her she should lose weight. What do you think her response was?

a) Losing weight and becoming less energetic (and thus less able to push forward with her dreams)?
b) Sacking him but internalising his negative message that she was somehow (at a slim size 10) too much for the world? or
c) Figuring that "Anybody who could be so stupid as to say, 'You have to fit into this mould or you can't make it' is really short-sighted"?

(If you haven't guessed, her response was c.)

Has anybody ever told you that you couldn't do something because of something that shouldn't hold you back? Paul McCartney famously couldn't read music yet he and John Lennon were prolific.

Create your own mould. If you don't yet know what this is, give it some thought now. What do you like about yourself?

1)
2)
3)

How can you emphasise these qualities, characteristics and skills?

Start valuing your unique contributions and perspectives. The more you appreciate yourself, the more others will follow.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Are you carrying too much emotional baggage? Lighten up in stages

Is there an area of life that you keep trying to suppress? Trying to pack these unwanted emotions away is like extra baggage in a suitcase that even sitting on top of won't close. It will weigh you down.

I know it's easier said than done... "Let it go", "Move on", "Forgive and forget" sound simple enough. And yet, very few people manage to release all unhelpful feelings, attachments and general baggage.

The Brahma Kumaris' (www.bkwsu.org/uk/welcome) Dadi Janki escaped violence and abuse but fled to safety and, now in her 90s, still travels the world spreading her message of peace, love and non-attachment.

Imagine yourself letting go off that row / heartbreak / betrayal and the feelings of lightness that will follow.

I'm not yet able to release everything but by choosing to get rid of what I can, I'm heading in the right direction. Be gentle with yourself and take small steps into a genuinely lighter life.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

Feel more confident at parties and events

Marie Claire magazine is celebrating its 20th birthday this month and lots of its staff are sharing their tips.

Editor Marie O'Riordon's was the most surprising. When she needs a confidence boost when attending events alone, she channels fictitious figures like Carrie Bradshaw.

Next time you're worried about going to that works do / wedding / large family gathering / impromptu party, remind yourself that:

1) everyone has felt similarly nervous about something
2) you can still have a really enjoyable time
3) there are countless fictitious characters you can choose from to help the event go more smoothly for you.

Don't live your life on the sidelines. Enjoy!!

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

Are you nearly there yet?

Watching Little Manhattan (very sweet film) and seeing Bradley Whitford (The West Wing and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip) reminded me of an article I read about him and his wife, Jane Kaczmarek a while back.

Turns out that both were really struggling and it had got to the point where one or both of them was going to give up there acting dreams in order to bring in some money for the family.

Then, within one week, Bradley landed the part of Josh Lyman in The West Wing and Jane landed the part of Lois in Malcolm in the Middle.

Imagine if either of them had given up!!!! Both have gone on to win numerous awards and fans and every time I see them on screen I smile thinking "Yay! They didn't quit!"

Is there a dream you're close to giving up on?

What would you do to make it a reality if you knew for sure that there was no way you could fail?

Go for it!!!

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

Are you trying to breathe for other people?

Watching Grey's Anatomy last week, I felt sorry for Derek and Meredith. He told her he loved her but couldn't keep breathing for her (he spent an hour literally breathing for her after pulling her from the water a few weeks ago. He thinks she should have swum harder and is questioning her will to live).

So in their case, he literally has been breathing for her.

As a coach, I have to be careful not to try to breathe for my clients. Sometimes, I believe in them more than they seem to believe in themselves. But with coaching, you have to be motivated to make the changes to your life, behaviour, beliefs and so on yourself. I can support my clients but I can't do their share of the work for them.

Are there instances in your life when you know you are attempting to breathe for other people? I know a woman who, after many years of marriage, agreed to move with her husband to his homeland (he emigrated here decades ago). Rather than him making the arrangements, she's ending up talking him into his own dream! He's come around but it sounds like a very strange scenario.

List all the people you've ever wanted to breathe for:

1)
2)
3)

How can you practice taking a step back? Not abandoning anyone. But letting them know you're there for help while encouraging them to help themselves? Empowering rather than saving them...

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

Clutter v. minimalism

Albert Einstein apparently said "If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk?"

I love my desk. As well as my trusty laptop, I'm surrounded by my diary (aka my brain), a cow toast rack I use for receipts, a large red plastic apple I use to contain small items (some might call them clutter) and a mug for pens etc. I also have a little wooden Namaste (Hindu for "the Divine within me greets the Divine within you") prayer hand carving and some post it notes with a large citrine crystal as a paperweight.

This is perfect for me but I know lots of people who'd consider it cluttered. Equally, I know many people (and have coached many clients on clutter clearing issues) who can barely access their keyboards let alone see what the desk looks like beneath their things.

Ultimately, it's whatever works best for you. If you like the idea of being more minimalist, experiment with it. See what you can put away. What do you use everyday? Can you put less needed items out of site but still easily accessible?

Might your desk actually benefit from more personal touches? What would motivate and inspire you as you sit and work? Pictures of your family or friends? A funny cartoon?

Experiment with it and find your perfect way of working...

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Just do it

"When you're frightened, don't sit still, keep on doing something. The act of doing will give you back your courage" - Grace Ogot

It sounds simple. But how many times have you withdrawn into fear and anxiety instead of forging forward?

Many of my writer clients (and myself, too, when I'm wearing my freelance writer hat!) have benefitted from choosing action over inaction. Yes, it's tempting sometimes to wallow and wait for a response from that editor / agent / publisher.

But when you start working on your next idea and getting that one out there, it's much easier to pick up momentum.

And whether that first editor gets back to you with a commission or not, you'll be much more likely to get other commissions by taking action.

Think about your own line of work. How can you anticipate times of fear by giving yourself a default action to do? Something fairly simple that you can take action on even when you're feeling a little wobbly?

Go for it!

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Clues from crankiness

Instead of beating yourself up the next time you feel irritable, see if you can decipher your mood's clues.

It may be basic like needing to get more sleep / exercise /certain nutrients.

Or it may point to life changes that would make you happier.

Think about the things that make you feel cranky on a regular basis. Make a list:

1)
2)
3)

Do you notice any patterns or themes?

Give yourself permission to be cranky and use that to help make the world, and your life, better.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Courting controversy and authentic expression

Have you ever watched in horror or awe as people (in your daily life or someone you read about or see on TV) express the most outlanding opinions or wear outrageous outfits?

No one's suggesting you start arguing or clashing colours / patterns just for the sake of it. But do you ever bite your tongue or wear something staid and later wish you'd expressed yourself more?

To become more daring, ask yourself:

1) Whose outrageousness do you admire most? (Add as many names as possible here)
2) How can you bring some of their chutzpah into your own life or wardrobe?

It may be that you'd like to be more you as you live your life. Or maybe you wish you had the courage to defend other people when someone bolshy makes a hurtful remark.

Challenge yourself to start speaking your truth more often.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

What kind of support do you have?

Sanjeev Baskhar tells a joke:

PARENT: What do you want to be when you grow up?
CHILD: An actor.
PARENT: It's pronounced doctor.

Bearing in mind that however supportive (or not) your parents were, you're in control of your life now, are you being held back by other people's expectations for you?

Too many people live their whole lives doing work or even married to people they never loved. If you're not already, when are you going to start living for yourself?

What do you want to be when you "grow up"? Who supports you (or would if they knew how serious you are)? How can you spend more time with them?

Who will never understand your goals? How can you avoid letting them rain on your parade?

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.

Wise words from JK Rowling

"There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you." JK Rowling

It sounds obvious but many people still (even in their 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond) say "if only" as if they didn't have a chance.

Yes, our early years are especially formative and it takes effort and discipline to overcome setbacks. But the alternative is prolonging that misery.

So take charge.

What three things would you like to rewrite from your childhood (traumas you wished hadn't happened, things you wish your parents had encouraged, support in a particular area...):

1)

2)

3)

Bearing in mind that we can't turn back time, how can you start giving yourself the support / protection / guidance you've been longing for?

What can you start doing differently right now?

Taking responsibility is scary but it'll be worth it.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008

Exercises for your heart

When was the last time you followed your heart?

You may have been brought up to over-ride your heart's messages for you by paying more attention to your head.

But sometimes, doing something that will feel good is just what all of you needs. What makes your heart feel better?

Spending unexpected time with your partner? Enjoying time with your baby / kids (instead of being focused on how you need to get everyone out of the door)? Playing with your dog / cat / horse? Watching cloud formations in the sky from your back on the grass?

List three things you don't normally "have time" for:

1)

2)

3)

Fit them in and start feeling better instantly.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008

Decode your dreams

As well as helping you figure out what your waking dreams are (what kind of work / relationships / home etc. do you want to create?), coaching can help you understand what your night time dreams are trying to tell you.

By understanding what your unconscious mind is trying to say, you can save yourself a lot of effort as you go about your daily life.

I've always had really odd dreams. By the time I was a teenager, I'd given up on dream dictionaries as the definitions felt so arbitrary. How could a cat mean the same thing for someone who had a cat phobia, a cat lover and someone who may have recently lost their cat? Who could believe that a dream involving cigarettes would mean the same for a non smoker, a heavy smoker and someone who'd quit?

Are you interested in learning more about what your dreams mean for you and techniques to help you decode future dreams yourself? I hope you'll find my new Decode Your Dreams Breakthrough Session of interest.

You can find out more by visiting http://www.applecoaching.com/phdi/p1.nsf/supppages/1138?opendocument&part=2 or emailing eve@applecoaching.com

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008

What's the nicest thing you could do for yourself right now?

Often, we know exactly what would make us feel better / help us move towards our goals. And yet, we try to rationalise restraint.

I regularly see clients get better results when I've helped them prioritise themselves and their own wellbeing but I still have to give myself a pep talk when it comes to treating myself with the same care.

So I've just booked myself a back massage for tomorrow. Yes, I'll inevitably be working late to make up for the time out of my office but I know it's worth it. It's been years since my last massage and when I find myself writing a lot about wellbeing, I know I need to be extra vigilant to avoid neglecting my own.

Just ask yourself the question: "What is the nicest thing I could do for myself right now?" and let the answer surprise you.

You know what you need. It might be the opportunity to shut (or leave open) your car windows and belt out your favourite songs at the top of your lungs? It might be leaving the house or office to go for a walk? Connecting with a fun friend who makes you laugh?

Be nice to yourself and schedule it in.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008.

Confessions of a shy confidence coach

When I was starting out as a coach, I felt that I should be perfect. But over the years, I've realised that the fact that I've had to use all these coaching, NLP and complementary tools myself allows me to have more empathy for my clients.

I was reminded of this ridiculous pressure I used to put on myself a few days ago. I'd been interviewed for Psychologies and myself and the other women in the piece had gone to Brixton for an all day photoshoot.

Some seemed far more extraverted and confident than me but when one of them asked about my own confidence and confidence coaching, it just wasn't an issue.

Confidence is different for everyone. For you it might mean making a phone call you've been putting off, for someone else, singing Kareoke in a crowded bar. For one person it might be going to a party (or even to a local shop) sober and for another person, it could be singing live in front of a crowd of thousands.

What challenges your confidence?

While I'm definitely more confident now than I've ever been, I'll probably never be the kind of person who feels completely at ease in front of a camera (or having hair and make up done). And that's fine.

I've coached clients whose lives are hard for me to imagine. But I love helping them access their own confidence reserves so they can fly even higher. Other clients are so shy that little steps are enormous for them.

Basically, I now have the confidence to know that as long as I can help people, it's OK to feel shy / nervous / excited about things. I'm constantly pushing out my own comfort zones.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008. All rights reserved.

Stop struggling. Practice happiness.

I watched A Prairie Home Companion last night. While bits were slow, there were several gems. They included: "Life is a struggle. If you ever feel happy, be patient. This will pass."

Although it made me laugh in the film, I feel sad thinking about all the people who take such a gloomy view in reality.

It's like the opposite of Will Smith's take. When he was interviewed by Jonathan Ross, Jonathan gently mocked him over his Oscar nomination (rather than win).

Will protested that all the nominees were winners. That's what they'd been told at the Oscar lunch.

Sure, he was being funny. But think about Will Smith's success. I think his habit of looking at life in this way - even when others half (or whole)-heartedly try to make him feel bad - has contributed to it hugely.

I believe that happiness is a practice. Saying it takes work makes it sound like a chore. But by practicing happiness, as you might yoga or meditation, you can retrain your brain to find the joy in life.

Sure, bad things will still happen, but, overall, you'll be better prepared for them than if you were to live everyday waiting for the worst case scenario.

Think of something that's happened today. How can you reframe it in a way that will not only help you feel better but make future success more likely?

As an example, I got a rejection from a potential editor today where she asked for other ideas. In my years as a freelance journalist, I've become so used to reframing rejection, I don't need to wallow at all. Instead, I'm focusing on pitching her something she'll want to commission next time (this week so the iron's still hot).

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008

What makes you laugh?

What do the Dalai Lama, Isabel Losada, Desmond Tutu, Martha Beck, Susan Sarandon and many more have in common?

They all value the power of laughter. As well as feeling good at the time (unless you're desperately trying not to laugh in an inappropriate situation), more and more research is showing how good this free medicine is.

Yet we still take life soooo seriously. If the Dalai Lama can find things to laugh about in his life, I'm sure you can in yours.

I have a friend I've known since we were ten. She can still make me literally fall down laughing. This was embarrassing for me, aged eleven, walking back from the station after school. As an adult it can be even more so (in a restaurant or shop, drawing strange looks from everyone). But it's still a lot of fun.

How can you make more space for laughter in your own life? Which friends and family members have you doubled over laughing? What kind of books make you laugh aloud on the train? (For me, authors who make me both laugh and cry include: Lorna Landvik, Pearl Cleage, Marian Keyes, Rebecca Wells, Alexander McCall Smith, Sue Grafton, Anne O Faulk, Maeve Binchy, Martha Beck, Isabel Losada, Gloria Steinem, Eve Ensler, Maria Shriver and, of course Elizabeth Gilbert).

Your sense of humour is likely to be different from mine (most people's is). But scan your own book shelves / film collection / TV guide.

List three ways you can schedule in some likely laughter over the next few days:

1)

2)

3)

What do you call two rows of cabbages? (scroll down for the answer)











A dual cabbage way...


© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008

You never know where asking for help could lead you

A few weeks ago, I wrote here about asking for help.

Still feeling on a roll, I contacted another favourite author last week to find out if I could interview her.

Interviewing Isabel Losada and now Martha Beck have been career highlights for me. I'm really looking forward to writing these features up (for Rapport, the NLP and Personal Development magazine - I'll upload pdfs to my site when they publish).

And if I hadn't asked the original aquaintance for help, I don't think it would have occurred to me to be so bold.

In the past, I needed to feel desperate for help (e.g. shouting "Help! Fire!" from my burning kitchen / asking for help carrying things while on crutches / after surgery etc.) before asking. So it's refreshing and even liberating to find that it gets that bit easier as you practice.

Is there someone - anyone - you can think of who might be able to help you with something? Anything from babysitting or DIY help to advice or something more major.

Often, because asking is challenging, we talk ourselves out of things that others would be delighted to help us with.

List three people you're going to test the waters with this week:

1)

2)

3)


© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008

Make the world a bit better by being kind to yourself

Have you ever noticed that on the days when you indulge yourself (giving yourself whatever you need: a lie in, good food, exercise, treats, whatever makes you feel good), you become nicer?

Too many people are brought up to believe that taking good care of ourselves is selfish. But it's when we deprive ourselves that we get cranky. If you've been kind to yourself and someone cuts in front of you, you're much more likely to let it go with a shrug than if you're already feeling a bit "grrr" yourself.

So make the world a better place by being kinder to yourself.

What three treats can you schedule in today that you know will make you a nicer version of you?

1)

2)

3)

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008

How do you feel when you stop?

Are you one of those people who regularly comes down with something on the first day of a much needed holiday? Do you work late and then find it hard to get a good night's sleep? Are weekends gone in a flash after playing catchup the whole time? Does the idea of just one lie-in sound as distant as a dream of winning a lottery you don't play?

When you've been running on adrenaline for any length of time, your best bet is to avoid a huge buildup of cortisol (the "stress hormone"). So if you've been working late for days to meet a deadline, when it's over, go to the gym. Or if you've been handling all the childcare solo for days, when you get the support you need, consider a nice long walk.

This physical activity will help your body release that stress and you're more likely to wake up feeling fab the next day. Think of it as changing gears - if you try to go from 1 to 4 without transitioning properly, your car will protest.

Ease into it. Even if you've not been working crazy hours (at work or within your family), taking 20 minutes to do nothing can feel too indulgent. But checking in with yourself can keep you on track more effectively than any amount of drive. Get into a new habit of stopping everything every couple of hours. If you can't even allow yourself five minutes, make it one.

Ask yourself "How do I feel right now?" Are you carrying tension or pain anywhere in your body? Is your heart racing? Are your eyes tired?

What three things (e.g. spending a little time unwinding with a good book / phoning a friend / spending some time in silence each day / simply shutting your eyes and taking a 5 minute nap) can you start doing today to pay better attention to your body and your needs?

1)
2)
3)

And if you're around on Saturday 21/6/08, you can start unwinding by tuning into BBC Essex's (www.bbc.co.uk/essex) Loud Women from noon to 2pm (I'll be on the panel again).

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008

Why are you procrastinating?

Do you ever find yourself spending lots of time doing relatively unimportant things instead of settling down to the most important tasks?

Whenever you find yourself struggling to get going, ask yourself if it's because it's too overwhelming.

By breaking a large, quite abstract task (such as "promote my business") down into a more manageable one ("make contact with ten potential clients / customers"), it'll be much easier to get going.

If you're struggling at home, for example, to clear a cluttered room, break it down to smaller chunks like one drawer or shelf at a time.

Keep breaking your goal down further and further until your next step is so simple, you'll feel really enthusiastic about getting started.

List three ways you can break things down:

1)

2)

3)

Don't forget to promise yourself a treat for when you've finished.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008

Trust your gut

I regularly encourage clients to let their instincts help guide their decisions. When they think about working with a particular person or group or accepting an invitation, do they feel good about it?

But, in real life, it can feel more tricky. I met a potential colleague recently who seemed lovely and very interesting. One thing made me feel a little uneasy as I cycled home. It took the shine off the good feeling I had about the project. So I emailed to double check.

Turned out, this little thing was a big thing. Part of me tried to talk myself into it but it just felt like it would turn into a nightmarish way of working. So I politely declined and said I'd like to help in another way if they wanted but got a very curt reply.

Although it's a bit disappointing, I feel hugely relieved. If we'd been working together, it could have turned into a nightmare.

Can you think of a situation in your life or work where you let an uneasy feeling slide? What happened? Do you wish you'd paid attention to your instincts?

How can you learn to listen to your gut? When you're making a good decision, how do you feel? (Taller? Strong? Centred?)

What about iffy decisions? (Slightly nauseous? Pounding chest? A bit sweaty?)

These feelings can feel like letdowns but when you realise your body is trying to help you, it will become much easier to make the right decisions for you.

List three checklist questions you can ask yourself (e.g. When I think about picking up the phone / meeting this person, a) I feel good, or b) my heart sinks to my feet with a growing sense of impending doom) to help you make better decisions from now on:

1)
2)
3)

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / http://www.applecoaching.com/ 2008

Asking for help

When you think about something you want to bring into your life, can you think of anyone who could help? Someone who maybe did what you want to do so could offer some advice?

How comfortable do you feel about asking them to help you?

I have to be honest. I hate asking for help. I much prefer being able to help other people. But this morning I resolved to email someone who I hoped could offer me some advice.

I figured that even if she said "no", I'd be off the hook (with myself) for having asked. In fact, she's very happy to help.

Emboldened, I got in touch with one of my favourite authors (Isabel Losada) about a commission for a magazine I write for regularly. I didn't know if I'd hear back but she couldn't have been more gracious or helpful.

Can you think of a goal you have where you could use some outside help? Yes, reading books is wonderful, but sometimes, picking up the phone, knocking on a door or sending a letter or email is better.

Who can help you get what you want in life? A former colleague? An old friend? A neighbour? List three people you've been putting off asking:

1)
2)
3)

Go on... What's the worst that can happen? Even if they feel unable to help you right now, you'll have expanded your comfort zones by having asked.

I love hearing how you're getting on so please keep your emails coming (eve@applecoaching.com).

All best wishes,

Eve

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008

Follow the sun

I was in Spain again last week running another coaching week. As I enjoyed daily mountain walks (not that high but nice and invigorating, overlooking olive groves), I thought about the fields of sunflowers in the distance below.

When the clouds cleared, entire fields of these beautiful yellow flowers blossomed. Sunflowers turn their heads to face the sun (I may well be the only person on the planet who only found this out last week) so they can absorb as much of its goodness - warmth and light - as possible.

We humans often overthink life, relationships and work. We end up giving problems and issues far more attention than all the good things in life. I was asked for a quote for a feature about gratitude this week (should appear in Zest - I'll put a pdf on my site when it's out). It's something that's really simple (although it takes discipline) but many people overlook it.

How can you shift your focus more towards the things about your work / relationships /health / financial situation / life in general that make you want to grin?

Start by listing three things that never fail to boost your mood (from a nice chat with a friend to singing at the top of your lungs in the car / shower):

1)
2)
3)

List the things that you're grateful for, not just today but going back as far as you can remember. Add to this list daily and also look out for patterns. What kind of activities / days / thoughts consistently make you happy?

Schedule them in so you have at least one on your To Do list every day. Bring more sunshine into your life all year round...

I love hearing how you're getting on so please keep your emails coming (eve@applecoaching.com).

All best wishes,

Eve

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008

What do you do when the world feels a bit wobbly?

Have you ever had one of those days when the world feels it's spinning too fast? That the slightest false move might knock you right off the planet?

Often, it's just a sign that you need to be extra gentle with yourself. Beating yourself up over feeling hypersensitive will just make you feel worse.

So do something kind for yourself: Walk, watch a nice movie, take a hot bath (add some pink food colouring and bubbles for extra comfort), make yourself some hot chocolate, take some Rescue Remedy, phone or meet a friend, let it all out in your diary, do some EFT, lose yourself in a good book or book an afternoon / day / week off as a promise that you're going to take better care of your own needs...

If you're familiar enough with NLP, step "off" your timeline and "into the void". This is a bizarre sensation which will help you release any stresses before returning to real life feeling rested, refreshed and wise. (If you'd like to know more, email eve@applecoaching.com).

Even though you may be really busy with work or a family situation, the fact that things feel as if they're spiralling is a sign that you should try something different.

You'll be in a much better position to handle the fall out from that error / row when you've sorted yourself out. Taking yourself out of the stressful situation and treating yourself with compassion will give you the perspective you need to return to it later.

I'd love to hear how you get on.

And you can sign up for Confidence Coaching Tips straight to your inbox at www.applecoaching.com

Taking care of yourself

Coaching in Spain last week was really good. It was lovely to meet the participants and I'm looking forward to going to the second Spanish property (near Seville) at the end of next week.

Being away from the day to day commitments means there's more time to think about how things could be even better.

The daily yoga, Pilates and swimming was just what I needed, too.

One of the most challenging things about being a coach is putting into practice all the the things I know I would benefit from doing myself.

I'm endlessly talking to clients about prioritising their wellbeing so they don't burn out / end up resenting the people they love etc.

Yet I completely understand how it can be tough to do this. We're (especially women) often brought up to think of meeting our own (or even acknowledging our own) needs as selfish.

But when you take good care of yourself, everyone in your life - from your loved ones to colleagues, neighbours and even strangers in the street - will benefit.

Who do you find it hard to say "No" to? Do you ever catch yourself feeling like a martyr? By spending a few moments thinking about triggers that often lead to exhaustion and resentment, you'll be better able to take care of yourself in the future.

If you find the idea of caring for yourself to be challenging, I'd recommend reading Cheryl Richardson's wonderful books for pointers. She also has some Extreme Self Care cards which can help you get into the habit of looking after the most important person in your life - you.

To sign up for confidence tips straight to your inbox, please visit www.applecoaching.com

Making the most of who you are - 100%

I'm heading off to Andalucia tonight to run the first of six week long coaching courses for www.Well-Being-Breaks.com

My weeks are themed "re-invent yourself" but it's really about making the best of the person you are.

No one should ever try to be anyone other than themselves. Often, you'll notice that the people you admire the most - whether they're people you know personally or performers, scientists, entrepreneurs, athletes or anyone else - are people who are 100% true to themselves.

If you weren't afraid of what other people might say about you, what would you be doing differently? Would you be more confident, assertive and creative at work? More loving and carefree at home?

Make a list of the people you admire and what it is you're particularly drawn to. I'm sure I'll think of loads of people later on when it's too late to add more, but to start my own list:

1) Oprah for knowing how to present all sorts of inspirational and entertaining information so it's accessible to lots of people.
2) The Dalai Lama for smiling and being a force for peace in spite of all he's endured.
3) Gloria Steinem for helping so many women and men recognise that "women are whole people, too" without being anti-men.
4) David Lynch for expressing himself so fully and confidently (even when, at the end of a film, I'm utterly clueless as to how it all makes sense, I love the way he just allows his visions to unfold).
5) Kathy Reichs, Pearl Cleage, Marian Keyes, Sara Paretsky, Sue Grafton and a million other fiction writers who, again, go with their imaginary worlds and follow them so completely, you feel like you're there when you read them...

Even if it's just for a few minutes, allow your mind to wander... What would you do differently today, this week, this year, if you allowed your intuition and gut to guide your every move instead of second guessing yourself?

List the ideas that crop up and see where it takes you...

I'd love to hear how you get on. You can email me at eve@applecoaching.com

And if you'd like free coaching tips by email, you can subscribe at www.applecoaching.com

Be prepared and enjoy life's challenges (more)

I bought some wellies recently and they’ve revolutionised my life. I love walking in the rain (it rarely occurs to me to go for a walk when it’s sunny). But, in the past, the idea of ruining my shoes would often put me off.

Last week, I wore my wellies (an elegant and sophisticated pair with enormous yellow daffodils all over them) and when I stepped off the road, I was instantly glad. There’s a short walk across a field from the road to the woods and even this was hugely muddy.

By the time I got into the actual woods, it was hard going even with the wellies.

But it was also so much fun. I had appropriate footware so could enjoy the muddy terrain. I even enjoyed almost falling over several times. When I got to a little stream, I was able to wade through it. I felt like a big kid.

Basically, the wellies meant I was properly equipped and could enjoy walking through the mud.

It made me think about challenging situations in life. While some things are far from enjoyable, being properly equipped to handle things – using all the resources you have available – can transform your experience of it.

For example, the house fire in January was traumatic and has meant lots of major upheaval. But because the insurance company and builders have been so amazing, along with all the other people they’ve brought in to help, the rebuilding has been as pleasant as possible.

Without such a lovely, supportive team, it would have felt like walking up hill in the mud wearing sandals. But their presence has meant that everything that’s cropped up (leaking roof, boiler leaking carbon monoxide and several other issues) has been immediately referred to an expert in that field. I wouldn’t have had a clue but it was all sorted for me.

And all the work should be completed over the next couple of weeks.

Is there a situation in your life that just feels too overwhelming and difficult? Whatever the problem, by equipping yourself with the right support, it will be much easier to handle.

Think of three situations and ask yourself “Who can I contact for help with this? What resources am I not yet using?”

I’ve already worn my wellies several times since. I’ve even found myself feeling a little disappointed when it’s not muddy and challenging enough to need them!

To sign up for confidence tips straight to your inbox and information about my coaching services, please visit www.applecoaching.com

Confident to the bone

I’ve been watching Bones Season 2 on DVD. As well as really enjoying the general drama of it, I love the confidence the characters have. The other scientists are known as “squints” but they know that the work they do is important so don’t care.

“Bones” herself is Dr Temperence Brennan, a forensic anthropologist. The nicknames seem to help the FBI guy handle his scientific ignorance better. And he’s completely confident in his FBI skills so doesn’t have an inferiority complex about it all.

At one point, Tempe’s boyfriend wants her to drop everything to sail around with him on his impulse buy sailboat. There is shock and horror all around when she declines. Why would she want to give up sailing off into the sunset to study bones? (Maybe it's because she likes to bring peace to the families of victims when she’s trained her whole life to develop such expertise!) Luckily, she has enough confidence in herself to know that her work is there.

Another character who doesn’t give into peer pressure is Angela. She’s part artist, part scientist and often feels add odds with all the death they’re dealing with. But rather than conform to majority rule and harden herself, she instead tells the rest of the team that they need to develop more “whimsy.”

Is there a situation in your life where you might be paying too much attention to someone else’s opinions? At work? In a relationship? About a new hairstyle or outfit?

How would it feel to be certain that what you’re doing in that situation is worthwhile? That you don’t need anyone else’s approval? That you know deep in your bones that you’re doing the right thing for you right now?

Does this experiment make you more confident about your decision? It might even make you feel better about someone else’s perspective (if you have to try really hard to fake confidence, you may realise that it’s not the best decision for you right now).

Take the time to get a sense of what feeling confident to the bone would be like.

Learn to trust yourself more and more each day by checking in with yourself about all sorts of things and your confidence will soar.

For FREE confidence tips and advice straight to your inbox, please visit www.applecoaching.com

Public humilation

I've done quite a bit of radio now and enjoy the fact that I usually relax so much, I forget it's being broadcast live. Recently, I've filmed a few television programmes, offering coaching advice, for a new satellite channel. When I was asked to take part in a more political show, I said "Of course! Thanks for thinking of me" and looked forward to discussing various headlines.

But when I got there and read the stories, I realised they were a far cry from my usual type. The other panelists were from the Free Tibet Campaign and Channel 4. I was introduced as a freelance journalist (I specialise in wellbeing and personal development).

A couple of the stories felt like things I could comment quite sensibly on. And two, I was utterly clueless about. Even after rereading them, I just didn't get it. The presenter's introduction to "in depth analysis" made me realise that perhaps I wasn't in the right place at the right time.

It went out live. As I watched it on the internet yesterday (sadly after I'd sent my newsletter out with a link to it), I realised that I hadn't been imagining the mortification. I was just about OK for the first three stories (although I did look, as my own mother said through absolute gales of laughter, as if I might have just wandered into the studio off the street).

And the final story I was asked to comment on was the one I was completely ignorant about. Re the Bear Stearns bank crisis, I tried to integrate what the other panelists had and admitted that I didn't really understand why it's a problem if a bank gets bailed out. Like Virgin buying Northern Rock here. Doh! Doh! Doh! Doh! Doh!

My mother said she saw the panelist next to me desperately try to stifle his own laughter and started howling at the hilarity again. When the presenter started talking about the final story (Obama), I thought "Phew! I know lots about this one, I can redeem myself" but then they ran out of time....

After picking myself up off the floor where I was cringing and laughing at the same time, I figured, all I can do is learn from it.

When was the last time you had a mortifying experience? What did you do?

I've learned that:

1) I need to be better prepared next time (if there is a next time!) and I need to tell the presenter which stories I have the most to say about. This way, rather than feeling like a kid being quizzed on a subject she doesn't take in a higher set, I'll be better able to steer things in a more sensible direction.

2) I should have spoken up during the last story and put my point of view across instead of waiting to be asked to speak.

3) It's better to laugh about it than to cry. There's nothing I can do to go back in time to fix it, so it's just about figuring out what to do differently next time.

In the past, I'd have been paralysed. I'd have simply thought "No more TV or even leaving the house or picking up the telephone. Way too many opportunities for humiliation!"

Now I know it's not the end of the world but there are lots of things I can do to do better in the future. By focusing on what I want to happen (poise and elegance would be fantastic!), I can let go off the past and move on.

(Doh! Doh! Doh!!!)

Whether you've embarrassed yourself or you just wish you had more confidence, please visit http://www.applecoaching.com/ for free confidence and self esteem boosting tips and ideas.