"You don't have to teach a seed how to become a flower" Diana Whitmore

I love this quote. Whitmore explains that "Just as the seed of a flower contains the blueprint for the flower which the seed will become, and inherently knows how to become that flower, there is a similar knowing to be found in the depth of our humanity."

It reminds me a bit of a Kabbalah saying I heard ages ago. That every blade of grass has it's own angel whispering encouragement "grow, grow".

Are you allowing yourself to become the person you're meant to be or are you trying to fit into a life / job / relationship that goes against the grain?

Whitmore talks about the futility of an acorn trying to become a rose bush. Oak trees rock. Why would any acorn want to become anything else? And yet how often do we humans try to force ourselves into a different way of being?

When you think about your life, do any areas stick out as times you're trying to be anything other than yourself?

When do you feel most like yourself?

Who supports you in being you?

Who makes you feel like you're not good enough just the way you are?

Pay attention to the times when you try to change others, too.

Make simple changes with your shedule, friends and other areas so you spend more time just being you and being appreciated and accepted for that.

How do you handle conflict?

While I love coaching my clients and helping them assert themselves in their relationships, lives and at work, my default position is to do whatever I can to avoid any kind of conflict.

In spite of all my coaching and NLP training and experience (not to mention other trainings I've done like non-violent communication and my ongoing psychosynthesis course) I have to coach myself A Lot to psych myself up to having difficult conversations in my own life.

I worry endlessly about what people will think of my saying certain things. I often judge myself for even having certain feelings.

Although I've stopped letting this anxiety stop me expressing myself, I doubt I'll ever feel completely at ease with it.

So I was horrified to learn that one of the training exercises we'd be doing at college this weekend involved expressing things that someone else had done (over the year we've been working together) to upset us in some way.

The paranoid part of me worried that I'd have a big, long line of people queuing up to tell me all the things about me that annoyed them.

I was also terrified of talking to the only person I'd had an issue but knew that a healthy, well-adjusted soul would discuss and release it.

I ended up having two challening conversations but afterwards, felt amazing. I'd managed to express myself and hear the other person's words.

I feel much freer now. And also horrified by the amount of energy I've spent, over the years, doing everything possible to avoid conflict.

When listening to the instructions for the exercise, I felt physically sick. And this was around potential conflict with a fellow student.

Think of all the people you come across in your family, neighbourhood, friendship circle, work and so on where you know them so much better (and they seem to know exactly how to push your buttons).

If anyone's springing to mind for you, I hope you'll find these tips helpful:

. Get used to checking in with yourself. Are you upset about something? Acknowledge it to yourself

. Take some time to think about what buttons it's pushed for you. Why are you feeling so upset about it?

. What would you like to happen? If you could wave a magic wand and not have to actually express your negative emotions, what outcome would you want?

. Now start thinking about ways you can take physical steps (sadly, magic wands don't work but they're a great tool for freeing you up to acknowledge your impossible feeling dreams and hopes) to make this happen

. Do you need to talk to someone about something they've done?

. How can you focus on how whatever it is makes YOU feel? (The less blamey you are, the better they'll hear you)

. Can you imagine asking them for whatever you need them to do to help you?

. Can you respect their wishes if, for whatever reason, they can't give you what you need?

I can feel my anxiety levels rising as I type this imagining all the opportunities to practice I usually ignore.

But from now on, I'm going to aim to take as many opportunities as possible to improve all my relationships.

It may feel clumsy at first but think of toddlers learing to walk. They don't give up because they fall over the first (several) time.

Are your eyes open?

Watching last week's Brothers and Sisters, when Sally Field's character, Nora, said her eyes are staying open, made me think of the (scary) Group sessions that make up part of my psychosynthesis training.

I need to keep my eyes wide open as I look at myself and my patterns - even when I want to fast forward through something uncomfortable, cover my eyes or just shut them tight.

Is there an area of your life that you've been "turning a blind eye" to? What are you now willing to see? Are there things that you're afraid to look at closely?

Will shielding yourself make these unpleasant aspects go away or are you setting yourself up to have to handle something even messier in the future?

How can you begin to open your eyes to your life - in a way that's appropriate - more?

Is there a friend or someone else who can help you?

No matter what you find, I think it's always better to know what you're dealing with. Even with eyes shut tightly, our imaginations can make things seem even worse.

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2009.

Psychosynthesis - stripping away everything that's holding you back and letting you shine

I love helping my coaching clients feel better about themselves. But sometimes, people need to delve that bit deeper and therapy is a better option.

The best description I've heard so far is that therapy helps people move from not OK to fine. Coaching takes them from OK to extraordinary.

Some people can benefit from both - coaching to help with areas that need improvement and therapy to help eradicate pain from the past.

I recently started training as a psychosynthesis psychotherapist (www.psychosynthesis.edu) and completed the Essentials Course last night.

I'm really looking forward to sharing some of the techniques I learned with my coaching clients (as appropriate - I won't be qualified as a counsellor for three years and a psychotherapist for five).

The Essentials Course is open to everyone (you don't have to want to become a counsellor or psychotherapist) and is, frankly, amazing.

If you're feeling stuck and would like to strip away pain, baggage, doubt and any other negative pattern that's attached itself to you over your lifetime, give it a go.

I've been using coaching techniques on myself as well as my clients for years. I love knowing how to help myself and my clients psych ourselves up to do pretty much anything. But after this five day psychosynthesis course, I'm left with an inner glow that feels effortless (no psyching up required).

All I need to do now is stay open to it...

© Eve Menezes Cunningham / www.applecoaching.com 2008.