Do you censor yourself too much?

I was amused to read about Adam Slavick-Lennard (aka Sleep Talkin Man - www.sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com) last week.

His wife, Karen, sick of being woken up by his endless sleep chatter decided to start blogging. It's become so popular that they're thinking about book deals and talking to several papers.

At first, I felt mortified for Adam, having his sleep talk publicised. But then it made me laugh.

From "Vampire penguins? Zombie guinea pigs? We're done for.... done for" to "Don't... Don't put the noodles and the dumplings together in the boat. They'll fight! The noodles are bullies. Poor dumplings."

Think about the times when you hold back, bite your tongue and otherwise stop yourself from communicating.

It may be that far from judging what you have to say, people respond to your honesty and openess.

No one's suggesting you switch your own inner censor off completely but ask yourself if there are times when you - and others - would benefit from you speaking out more...

What are you waiting for? Give what you want to receive

A piece I wrote about thank you notes ages ago came out today (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1243065/Does-send-thank-letters-more.html) and I wondered, how many of the people who say they prefer handwritten thank you cards and notes send them to their friends, families and colleagues etc.?

Often, we want things that we don't then give.

Is there something you'd like more of in your life?

Rather than waiting for it, how can you find more ways to give it?

For example, if you wish your partner would listen to you more, ask yourself when you last gave him or her your full attention.

If you wish people would be more open and honest with you, ask yourself if you're keeping anything important from them (or even from yourself).

This will help you shift things and may even inspire the person / people you're frustrated with to reciprocate...

(Alternatively, you could take the radical approach and learn to ask directly for what you need).

Are you expecting too much from yourself?

"Our limitations, our imperfections, our mistakes... these do not reflect our inferiority but are part of being human" - Joan Sheingold Ditzion

Reading this made me exhale with a sense of "Of course!"

But in daily life, I often forget that no one expects perfection from me or anyone else.

Think about your Christmas. Did you plan things so carefully imagining a Nigella-esque version even though that's impossible for most of us?

This year (and beyond), how can you take some pressure of yourself and just smile when things don't go to plan?

How can you support yourself so you don't contort yourself trying to make things perfect at work, at home, in your relationships and so on?

Being human (with all the mistakes this means) is just right.

How do you handle conflict?

While I love coaching my clients and helping them assert themselves in their relationships, lives and at work, my default position is to do whatever I can to avoid any kind of conflict.

In spite of all my coaching and NLP training and experience (not to mention other trainings I've done like non-violent communication and my ongoing psychosynthesis course) I have to coach myself A Lot to psych myself up to having difficult conversations in my own life.

I worry endlessly about what people will think of my saying certain things. I often judge myself for even having certain feelings.

Although I've stopped letting this anxiety stop me expressing myself, I doubt I'll ever feel completely at ease with it.

So I was horrified to learn that one of the training exercises we'd be doing at college this weekend involved expressing things that someone else had done (over the year we've been working together) to upset us in some way.

The paranoid part of me worried that I'd have a big, long line of people queuing up to tell me all the things about me that annoyed them.

I was also terrified of talking to the only person I'd had an issue but knew that a healthy, well-adjusted soul would discuss and release it.

I ended up having two challening conversations but afterwards, felt amazing. I'd managed to express myself and hear the other person's words.

I feel much freer now. And also horrified by the amount of energy I've spent, over the years, doing everything possible to avoid conflict.

When listening to the instructions for the exercise, I felt physically sick. And this was around potential conflict with a fellow student.

Think of all the people you come across in your family, neighbourhood, friendship circle, work and so on where you know them so much better (and they seem to know exactly how to push your buttons).

If anyone's springing to mind for you, I hope you'll find these tips helpful:

. Get used to checking in with yourself. Are you upset about something? Acknowledge it to yourself

. Take some time to think about what buttons it's pushed for you. Why are you feeling so upset about it?

. What would you like to happen? If you could wave a magic wand and not have to actually express your negative emotions, what outcome would you want?

. Now start thinking about ways you can take physical steps (sadly, magic wands don't work but they're a great tool for freeing you up to acknowledge your impossible feeling dreams and hopes) to make this happen

. Do you need to talk to someone about something they've done?

. How can you focus on how whatever it is makes YOU feel? (The less blamey you are, the better they'll hear you)

. Can you imagine asking them for whatever you need them to do to help you?

. Can you respect their wishes if, for whatever reason, they can't give you what you need?

I can feel my anxiety levels rising as I type this imagining all the opportunities to practice I usually ignore.

But from now on, I'm going to aim to take as many opportunities as possible to improve all my relationships.

It may feel clumsy at first but think of toddlers learing to walk. They don't give up because they fall over the first (several) time.

Does snow make us more spontaneous?

When the whole country seems to come to a halt at the mere mention of snow (and then we actually get quite a lot), it forces me to be more spontaneous.

Normally, I'm a complete planner. I psych myself up to do things and then do them.

But snow means that the things we normally take for granted (even just walking to the station / nearest bus stop) can feel harder to predict.

No matter how much I may want to go swimming, I can't cycle the six mile roundtrip on icy roads (and it would take decades to walk).

If I make it up the hill without falling over (again) will trains and buses even be running?

Being self employed and working from home most of the time means I can be pretty flexible and rearrange snow-affected things while still getting a lot done.

If you're affected, what can you do to help you enjoy the snow days more?

How can you go with the flow?

For me, thinking about trekking all the way into college tomorrow (two hours each way on a good day) when there's the possibility it will be cancelled makes me feel completely unspontaneous again.

But taking time to make some snow angels after shovelling helps me to smile about it and experience the present rather than worrying about what might happen.

What kind of person are you becoming?

Do you remember Scarlett in Gone With the Wind (the novel more so than the film)? She endlessly wanted to be a Great Lady like her mother. But not yet.

Being a "great lady" meant being patient, kind and all sorts of things that are hard work. Scarlett wanted to live before becoming more like Melly and her mother.

In books, TV and film, characters are often portrayed as good or bad.

In shows like Buffy, Angel would suddenly switch from good to evil and it could have been life threatening for Buffy. Georgina (Buffy's Michelle Trachtenburg) in Gossip Girl seems to have a similarly On/Off switch for her entire personality.

I remember watching Dr Quinn and loving the way that different characters were likeable and unlikeable eopisode to episode. The "good" ones made mistakes and even the violent, awful ones had some redeeming qualities.

In real life, though, we make our choices moment by moment.

Whether to be honest and face the consequences or tell that little lie for convenience.

To be honest with our accounts or expenses rather than including something that doesn't belong there.

How can you make daily decisions that help you become the person you want to be?

Take action against fear

"I am no longer afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my own ship" - Louisa May Alcott

The author best known for her novel, Little Women, was quite a pioneer. Even though she lived in a time when women weren't supposed to work in most fields, let alone have their own dreams, she supported her family through her writing.

I love the idea of not being afraid of storms but worry that even if I knew how to sail, there'd still be all sorts of things I'd be scared of (I'm not great with the whole "letting go" and "trusting" yet).

Still, I love Louisa's advice. While I'll probably never sail the seven seas, there are all sorts of things I've learned about to help me feel less fearful in my day to day life.

A few years ago, I knew nothing about running my own business but I started my own coaching practice while launching myself as a freelance journalist and writer.

Five years on, while I think I was a bit crazy to do things in this way, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I learned what I could about making it work (taking lots of opportunities to build my tool kit with more training and so on) as I went along.

Now that I'm training as a psychosynthesis psychotherapist, I regularly feel way out of my depth. But I also know that, quite apart from counselling skills and practical applications, I'm learning stuff about myself and healing things I never thought could be healed and this will help me in ALL areas of life.

What "storms" do you fear in your life?

What kind of training could help alleviate some of your fears?

Who can you talk to about them? (Someone who has done what you're scared / excited about trying? Someone who'll support you as you make progress?)

Acknowledge the things you're afraid of and then take steps to storm proof your life as much as you can.

Once you feel confident that you've done whatever YOU can do, it will be that much easier to relax and trust that you can sail through the seas ahead...